Hey Kids! Chivas USA has a backup keeper named Preston Burpo who, according to Wikipedia, is nicknamed Stone. I couldn't figure out a way to fit that organically into the post, so we'll just leave it as the most awkward lede ever and move on. How will Chivas fare this season? We can ask the Virgin of Guadalupe or Timecube. Because I'm still upset that my Virgin of Guadalupe candle I bought at Giant Eagle for $1.99 is completely unscented (what am I supposed to do? Pray to it?), let's go to Mr. Marbles himself:

Relevant Passage:

"God claimed to have created a single day rotation of Earth. I have created simultaneous 4 day rotation of Earth. Why do you worship such a stupid God? Do you really believe that your Jew God screwed a hole in the ground to create Adam and Eve out of dirt, at the same time that woman existed in the nation of NOD, Nation of Damsels from where Cain got wife? Adam and Eve were created at the same time, but sexless. A rib was removed from eve and a hole left to make a woman of her. The rib was stuck on Adam to make a man of him - and Eve is still trying to get her rib back."

Interpretation:

That Gene, he just can't not mention whenever there's a Jew on the team. Yes, Jonathon Bornstein is half-Jewish, but who are we to go around accusing people of screwing holes in the earth? That's just crazy, Timecube guy, just crazy. I tried to get something else out of that sentence, but the nation of Nation of Damsels bit makes me think there's not a lot of proofreading going on over there. Fuck it, it probably means Carlos Llamosa has scurvy. Stop being a pussy and eat some citrus. Furthermore, the confusing mashup of backwards biblical references and misunderstanding of the female anatomy probably means someone (my pick: Amado Guevara) is going to pull a Juwanna Mann this season. Amado wants his rib back and you're just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

Season Rating: 7 out of 22 Simultaneous 4 Day Timecubes