I Have Finally Picked A Side In The MLS

After following the league for 5 years I am finally throwing my allegiance behind one team, Toronto FC. I've weighed my options, watched about 10x the games anybody should, and broke down why I came to my conclusion.

Reasons I didn't choose other MLS teams:

1. DC United. I thought about picking them when Freddy Adu joined up but I thought better. I didn't want to be a bandwagon jumper. Also I can't pick a team that doesn't play in a soccer specific stadium. I have a few family members who are DC United fans but they aren't the team for me.

2. Chivas USA. Stupid name and they didn't keep the old Chivas rules of only signing Mexican players. Thanks for Bob Bradley though we all appreciate it.

3. LA Galaxy. If I rooted for a team that David Beckham and Landon Donovan played for I would officially grow a vagina. Not sure if I want that.

4. Columbus Crew. I don't root for teams that play in Ohio its the yinzer in me coming out.

5. New England Revolution. Fuck no, I used to live in New England's asshole Rhode Island. Those fucking people and their down-syndrome Boston accents almost drove me crazy. I like Clint Dempsey though.

6. Houston Dynamo. Stolen from San Jose no thanks. Then didn't use the original name picked Houston 1836. I loved that team name finally a non-FC name in the MLS that actually made sense.

7. FC Dallas. I almost chose them but then I thought harder and realized Carlos Ruiz is a douchebag.

8. Kansas City Wizards. I hated when the changed the Washington Bullets to the Wizards and I hated changed the Wiz to the Wizards. I would like somebody to look me in the eye and tell me the Wizard of Oz is better than The Wiz. I'm coming out and saying it, if you don't like The Wiz you are a racist.

9. New York Red Bulls. I loved it when Red Bull bought the team and changed the name like they did to FC Salzburg. I was hoping they were going to sign Ronaldo in the summer so that he could hit 300 pounds and still score 40 goals but that didn't happen. Then Bruce Arena became coach so fuck em.

10. Chicago Fire. They were choice b) but they made a major mistake right before my choice signed Blanco. I don't root for teams with former Mexican National Team captains.

11. Real Salt Lake. Dumbest name in sports history. Real is a reference to the king of Spain. So when you get your ten wives and bring them to a Real Salt Lake game give a bow to the royal crown of Spain.

12. Colorado Rapids. Every game I have ever watched them play has been terrible. Just boring as all get out.

So I was left with one team, the new expansion team. They drafted an awesome young midfielder Maurice Edu, brought in one of my favorite foreign MLS players Ronnie O'Brien, and hired a terrible coach Mo Johnston to give me something to complain about. Rogers Cable owns them just like the Maple Leafs so this team is going to have money to spare. In five years maybe bring Owen Hargreaves back to his homeland.


3 Responses to “I Have Finally Picked A Side In The MLS”

  1. # Blogger Freshman

    I thought you should know I spent much of my workday tracking down the current whereabouts of one "Bad" Bob Thanda. It appears he's coming off the bench for Aveley F.C. of the Isthmian League Division One South (perhaps better known as the second division of the Ryman League, but probably not), which puts him at three levels below Conference National and one step above U15 Girls Special Olympics.  

  2. # Blogger B. Marcks

    I did this not long ago and couldn't come up with a team for very similar reasons, the last one being I can't root for a team from Canada. I just can't. So I'm just going to sit back and wait for Zidane and that's me team. And if it never happens maybe I'll just be one of "The Mutts" and root for the Pittsburgh Riverhounds.

    I do really wish I could follow an MLS team though.  

  3. # Blogger Jason Cramer

    Bob Thanda is still playing that is great. Remember when he kept getting called up by Democratic Republic of Congo and we lost him for like 4 games. Then we would drop from the playoff zone.

    Roy Essandoah is still the best gym teacher/striker to ever live. Man I miss playing Football Manager.

    I am kind of leary of rooting for a Canadian team but I think due to my love of hockey I can swing it.  

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