Hooray! Another women's championship for Tennessee! Pat Summit scores her record-earth universe-shattering seventh title as head coach of the Tennessee Volunteers! Rejoice!

But if you aren't rejoicing over women's madness being over (I was drinking...and the Pirates game was on...) you may wonder...how is that lady so good at coaching basketball? Why does she vaguely resemble my mother? IS she the one who made me that batch of delicious cookies last night?

Well I'm here to tell you that no. She is not. In fact she has NEVER made a batch of cookies in her life. Summit's husband has served her breakfast in bed each and every one of the seven mornings post-championship, and will continue to do so as long as Ole' Patty keeps on winnin'.

In a shocking tell all, Summit's husband (who we'll call Hal because I couldn't find his actual name) Hal recently revealed that head coach Pat has NEVER VOLUNTEERED FOR ANYTHING IN HER LIFE. AND SHE COACHES THE TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS!

That's right ladies and gents...no soup kitchens, fundraisers, PTA meetings, girl scout thin mint sellathons...nothing! While she may be a Goddess in the Women's NCAA world, Summit is apparently so selfish that she personally answers phone inquiries from the United Way with a curt 'F#$% OFF!'

Shocking yes, but hey, that Desperate Housewives show is supposed to have told us that mom's lead secret lives right? (Again, this could be completely wrong, I have more important shows to watch...Like Friday Night Lights...Cause I'm a MAN MAN MAN) Well Summit can now be included in that fine group of Feminine 'Haters' that includes elites such as Ann Coulter.

Why do you hate non-profit organizations Pat? Why? Just give UNICEF a try. All you have to do is go trick-or-treating with your kiddies on Halloween and collect change in a little orange box. Just give it a try. Some underprivileged American might actually be able to call you a real 'hero' if you do.

(The author would like to note that this, like his other posts, is completely fictitious. Pat Summit is actually quite the upstanding volunteer and this author is proud of her for winning lots of fancy awards.)