Make Me Michigan's New Head Coach

I've decided that I'm going to throw my name in the race to be the new Michigan basketball head coach. My qualifications are sparse but I do have extensive background in watching college basketball. What I lack in basketball coaching experience I make up with an extensive knowledge of how the Fab 5 was built. Through hard work and charismatic *wink,wink* recruiting.

So Athletic Director of Michigan I am going to give you 3 prior experiences that qualify me to take over as head basketball coach:

1. In 1999, I purchased at a thrift store a Chris Webber Golden State Warriors jersey. Indirectly giving money to Chris Webber is, I assume, job qualification number 1. If made head coach I would set aside 40 dollars a month in the basketball budget to send to Chris Webber to make sure that none of our wins count.

2. For two weeks in middle school I coached a 3rd grade basketball team. I structured practices very simply, for an hour and a half me and all the kids would play streetball. Each team that lost had to spend the next game doing layup drills and wind-sprints. The coaching was apart of a program that let kids my age gain experience working with younger kids as a sort of teaching internship. After my supervisor came in during one practice and saw me tell a kid to "stop playing defense like a fucking bitch" I was quickly canned and almost suspended from school.

3. I hate Ohio State, not for any reason I just hate Sconnie Penn because of his name. Have a good career in Italy, douchebag.

So Bill Martin, Michigan AD, I will send you my resume and applicable references. I think I have a better chance to be successful than John Beilein.

Michigan Job Application

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