I've decided that I'm going to throw my name in the race to be the new Michigan basketball head coach. My qualifications are sparse but I do have extensive background in watching college basketball. What I lack in basketball coaching experience I make up with an extensive knowledge of how the Fab 5 was built. Through hard work and charismatic *wink,wink* recruiting.

So Athletic Director of Michigan I am going to give you 3 prior experiences that qualify me to take over as head basketball coach:

1. In 1999, I purchased at a thrift store a Chris Webber Golden State Warriors jersey. Indirectly giving money to Chris Webber is, I assume, job qualification number 1. If made head coach I would set aside 40 dollars a month in the basketball budget to send to Chris Webber to make sure that none of our wins count.

2. For two weeks in middle school I coached a 3rd grade basketball team. I structured practices very simply, for an hour and a half me and all the kids would play streetball. Each team that lost had to spend the next game doing layup drills and wind-sprints. The coaching was apart of a program that let kids my age gain experience working with younger kids as a sort of teaching internship. After my supervisor came in during one practice and saw me tell a kid to "stop playing defense like a fucking bitch" I was quickly canned and almost suspended from school.

3. I hate Ohio State, not for any reason I just hate Sconnie Penn because of his name. Have a good career in Italy, douchebag.

So Bill Martin, Michigan AD, I will send you my resume and applicable references. I think I have a better chance to be successful than John Beilein.

Michigan Job Application