Jason Writes About Stuff You Don't Care About: US National Team Edition

I'm going to start a series of articles over the next week where I try to give detailed perspective on things that only I care about. Today I am going to break-down the US National Team squad that has been called up for the friendlies against: Ecuador on the 25th and Guatemala on the 28th.

Interim coach Bob Bradley has toyed with two formations in his first two games in charge of the National Team a, 4-3-3 Y with two defensive midfielders and a 4-5-1 with two defensive midfielders. Ricardo Clark and Pablo Masteroni are both out for the friendlies, Clark is injured and Masteroni's wife is about to give birth to his second son, so the center of midfield will be completely different. The entire European contingent is in but the popular opinion is that they will only play against Ecuador and a more domestic based squad will play against Guatemala.

This is an exciting time to be "an ethnic" as Jay Mariotti would say because the National Team is embarking on two major tournaments this summer: the CONCACAF Gold Cup and the Copa America. The carrot for the Gold Cup is a trip to the Confederations Cup in 2009 which will be played in World Cup conditions in South Africa. In the Copa America held in Venezula, the United States is drawn in a group with Argentina, Paraguay, and Columbia.

Now for the anticipated player by breakdown.:

Barrett, Wade. Dude has a beard and won the MLS Cup with the Houston Dynamo. Plays defensive midfield but probably won't feature in either summer tournament. Called up to replace Ricardo Clark.

Beasley, DaMarcus. Apparently died a year and a half ago and has been replaced by a midget actor. He's fast but has lost the ability to do anything execpt run.

Bocanegra, Carlos. Playing great at Fulham when he is allowed to play center-back. Probably should the starting partner of Oneywu.

Bradley, Michael. Yes, he is Bob Bradley's son but this isn't a nepotism thing. Bradley is a really good defensive-minded midfielder who can pass. Hopefully, get a full game against Guatemala and a look during the Ecuador game.

Carroll, Brian. Sucks.

Cherundolo, Steve. Starting right-back.

Ching, Brian. Sucks and is from Hawaii.

Conrad, Jimmy. Not a bad back-up but if he has a Eddie Pope written all over him, and anybody that thinks that a good thing call Bruce Arena at the New York Red Bull front office.

Cooper, Kenny. Should be or first choice striker every game. Built like a white Oneywu and is strong on the ground. But alas, he will probably on be a sub against Ecuador and play the whole game against Guatemala.

DeMerit, Jay. Plays in England so he has to be good right, right?

Dempsey, Clint. DUECE. Yeah his feet are basically what I'm hanging my hopes for the National Team on.

Donovan, Landon. Fuck you. Go surf or cry because your girlfriend is having her period.

Feilhaber, Benny. Great potential I've only seen him play a handful of times. Described as the next Claudio Reyna. I hope they mean pre-57 knee injuries Claudio.

Guzan, Brad. Young keeper probably wont play at all.

Howard, Tim. Has Tourrette's Syndrome is awesome and should win the EPL Goalkeeper of the Year.

Johnson, Eddie. Fuck you too. Try scoring a goal between now and the time the next World Cup comes around.

Keller, Kasey. Old enough to be half the team's Dad. This summer is going to be his last on the National Team. Great player.

Mapp, Justin. Did 1 good move against the Denmark B squad and now all of a sudden is the white Cristiano Ronaldo.

Mullan, Brian. Seriously?

Onyewu, Oguchi. Ah good ol' Gooch he should be the captain for the entire next World Cup Cycle.

Pearce, Heath. Deserves a look a left-back. Can't say I have ever been that impressed.

Simek, Frank. He plays in the Championship for Sheffield Wednesday. You have no idea what that means and he sucks.

Spector, Jonathan. Plays for West Ham but surprising doesn't suck. Can play all over the back-line and can use both feet. Should get a try-out in the central defense with Gooch.

Twellman, Taylor. Got a raw deal not being on the World Cup roster instead of Brian Ching. He needs a good game whichever one he plays.

Tommorrow I'm going to evaluate the Wilkes-Barre Scranton Baby Penguins in their run for the Calder Cup. Maybe boxing on Friday if your lucky.

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