From Wire Reports:

Ted Talkington, basketballer at Greater West Fuckin' Virgina Community College, has reportedly received a cease and desist order from intermittently funny website CollegeHumor.com on the grounds that they have received nearly two dozen pictures of Talkington's balls over the last few weeks in e-mails with the title "ATTN: Ted Talkington's Balls."

The point of contention appears to be that the pictures are clearly of fellow GWFVCC teammate Frank Young's nether-regions. Talkington has contested the order, claiming that not only is he "black from the waist down, as all those fine-ass Appalachain hoochies know" but the "Property of Frank Young" tattoo was part of an elaborate practical joke gone horribly awry.

In a related story, John Beilein once fucked a goat on a dare. I shit you not.

FOUR QUICK POORLY-CONSTRUCTED LIES AND ONE AWESOME TRUTH

1. Kevin "The Nightmare Man" Durant has earned said nickname not for haunting the dreams of his opponents, but for a horrible curse that has followed the Durant family from the beginning of time. Apparantly, he must raise from his slumber once a fortnight to feast upon the souls of the children of all streets not named "Elm" in the greater Austin area.

2. According to assistants, Bill Parcells died nearly three years ago and his subsequent public appearances have been enginereed through an elaborate pulley system that would put "Weekend at Bernie's" to shame. Parcell's recent retirement came on the heels of Jerry Jones' refusal to look into voodoo after the crew of immigrant workers working Parcells were deported.

3. Once more, for emphasis: Beilein fucked a goat. A male goat.

4. Fearsome Pittsburgh reserve forward Doyle Hudson refers to himself as "Chang-a-Lang." Superior nicknames include "The Human Turnover" and "The Walking Seventeen Point Swing."

5. I once paid five dollars for a XXL Texas Rangers Hideki Irabu t-shirt jersey, and the joke was not at all on me.