Ted Talkington Wants You To See His Balls


From Wire Reports:

Ted Talkington, basketballer at Greater West Fuckin' Virgina Community College, has reportedly received a cease and desist order from intermittently funny website CollegeHumor.com on the grounds that they have received nearly two dozen pictures of Talkington's balls over the last few weeks in e-mails with the title "ATTN: Ted Talkington's Balls."

The point of contention appears to be that the pictures are clearly of fellow GWFVCC teammate Frank Young's nether-regions. Talkington has contested the order, claiming that not only is he "black from the waist down, as all those fine-ass Appalachain hoochies know" but the "Property of Frank Young" tattoo was part of an elaborate practical joke gone horribly awry.

In a related story, John Beilein once fucked a goat on a dare. I shit you not.

FOUR QUICK POORLY-CONSTRUCTED LIES AND ONE AWESOME TRUTH

1. Kevin "The Nightmare Man" Durant has earned said nickname not for haunting the dreams of his opponents, but for a horrible curse that has followed the Durant family from the beginning of time. Apparantly, he must raise from his slumber once a fortnight to feast upon the souls of the children of all streets not named "Elm" in the greater Austin area.

2. According to assistants, Bill Parcells died nearly three years ago and his subsequent public appearances have been enginereed through an elaborate pulley system that would put "Weekend at Bernie's" to shame. Parcell's recent retirement came on the heels of Jerry Jones' refusal to look into voodoo after the crew of immigrant workers working Parcells were deported.

3. Once more, for emphasis: Beilein fucked a goat. A male goat.

4. Fearsome Pittsburgh reserve forward Doyle Hudson refers to himself as "Chang-a-Lang." Superior nicknames include "The Human Turnover" and "The Walking Seventeen Point Swing."

5. I once paid five dollars for a XXL Texas Rangers Hideki Irabu t-shirt jersey, and the joke was not at all on me.

4 Responses to “Ted Talkington Wants You To See His Balls”

  1. # Blogger Jason Cramer

    Wade Boggs also drank 40 beers on a cross country flight. That is the biggest lie ever. How do you even get 40 beers in 4 hours? The stewardess would have to constantly be bringing him new ones.

    People need to kill these drinking myths. Any alcoholic worth his salt can put up big numbers given a decent amount of time.

    Basically, the point of this is that Wade Boggs I'm calling you out. I'm 5'10 and way at best 170 so you have the "advantage". Me and you Boggs you name the time and place and I will bring the case of Coors Extra Gold.  

  2. # Blogger Melanie

    This comment has been removed by the author.  

  3. # Blogger Melby

    Biggest lie or GREATEST lie ever?

    And wasn't it 64 beers?  

  4. # Blogger Jason Cramer

    Either way I got him.  

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