As one forsakes the barren, salty plains of Utah one's eye inevitable turn eastward to the fertile valley surrounding Columbus and their oppressively blue-collar Crew. What great insight could Gene Ray give us about the 2000 MLS Cup winners? Once more into the breach, dear friends:

Relevant Passages:

"No human has a right to believe wrong - for that would be evil thinking. Ignorance of 4 days is evil, Evil educators teach 1 day. 1 day will destroy humans. OPPOSITES CREATE. Mother and father gave me birth, not a queer jew god. Singularity god is EVIL as Creation reigns as Opposites. Educators, and You - ought to be killed for ignoring the fact that "Earth is Cubed". (ignored and suppressed by EVIL educators)"

"It's not immoral to kill Americans who IGNORE their OPPOSITE sex parents who Created them, but instead worship a queer jew who claims to make people out of dirt - when the body is 90 percent water. A God so stupid that he claims only a single day
rotation of Earth - while my Cubic Wisdom has allowed me to create 4 simultaneous days within a single Earth rotation. Americans do not deserve life. They live only for today, the evil singularity word bastards."

Interpretation:

There's a whole barrel of crazy there, so let's take this one step at a time. Assuming Gene Ray's not racist, the "queer jew god" he is referring to must be reserve Crew midfielder Jack Jewsbury. That must mean a breakout season for Jewsbury, although it could simply mean he will gain a stalker or become the charismatic leader of an ever-expanding cult. Also, Frankie Hejduk will inherit the Cubic Wisdom needed to "create 4 simultaneous days within a single Earth rotation," ensuring Columbus many a road victory. I also believe Danny Szetela will attend law school, drop out and join with some friends to start a business making apple butter. The success of said business remains unclear.

You can choose to believe that paragraph or you can choose to believe that Gene Ray is anti-semitic. If you believe the latter, then I do believe you hate America, son.

Season Rating: 11 Simultaneous 4-day Timecubes (out of 22)

P.S. I really wish I knew where the shit that picture came from.

P.P.S. Yes, I realize this won't be done in time for the start of the season. Do you want fast or do you want the truth, Grover?