For centuries, extremly gullible people of all ages, races and creeds have turned to Nostardamus for the answers to life's questions. Apparanly, if you write absolute gibberish, people will assume you have a vast intellect and create episode after episode of Armageddeon-related History Channel shows to interpreting your "work." I will now follow in their hallowed footsteps and consequently crush them, leaving them barely unrecognizable in my mighty wake. I present to you the official Forty Minutes of Hell MLS Season Preview, which I will forecast through the words of Gene Ray, philosopher extraordinare of Timecube.com. First up, Real Salt Lake.

Relevant Passage:

"Santa vital to Christmas - No Santa - no Christmas. Why credit Santa LIE with gifts that parents buy their children? It bribes the child mind to accept false Santa spirit and false god spirit deceit associated with it. Santa Claus and Christmas must be indicted deceits that destroys child mind. God is but an adult Santa extension of child Santa - equating evil singularity - unnatural as 1 pole Earth. Earth has not 2 poles, but opposite poles that cancel each other out - if added. 6 side Cube is Evil math, ignoring its top & bottom. -1 x -1 = +1 is Evil math, as +1 and -1 are antipodes equating a zero existence. 3 Dimensions is erroneous math without a 4th corner perspective dimension. If ever allowed, Cubic debate will indict evil singularity as damnation of humanity. Believers are Evil - for not measuring. Result of belief is dying stupid - you can know. Singularity education begets evil, for you were born as an opposite, between opposite sexes & the opposite Earth poles."

Interpretation:

If Gene Ray is right -which he most certainly fucking is - then Freddy Adu's shift to left midfield will result in such a success that he will become bored with the menial game we mortals call soccer and instead devote himself to annually giving gifts to children. The "4th corner perspective dimension" also tells me Real will perform quite well on set pieces. Also, I believe that negative numbers multiplied together don't actually equal a positive one, and Real will strive and fail to use this sacred information.

Season Rating: 8.5 Simultanenous Harmonic 4-day Timecubes (Out of a Possible 22 Simultaneous Harmonic 4-day Timecubes)