Is it wrong that it's not yet 8:00 on a Monday and I've already had more beer than food? Not when your local bar has decided to offer Shiner Bock drafts at a dollar a pop. Perfect time to "dive in" (foreshadowing!) to the latest edition of the world's least accurate and most inconsequential MLS preview. La Galaxia!

Relevant Passage:

"Your father was a fish. You evolved from an egg laid in water, fertilized by a sperm fish swimming upstream - just as salmon swim up stream to fertilize female egg laid in the water. Maybe, you should worship a fish god."

Interpretation:
Maybe it's none of your goddamned business whether or not I worship a fish god. But let's get serious, people. It's obvious by now that Landon Donovan worships Dagon, fish-god of the Philistines and he therefore must live in a home situated close to the Pacific Ocean in order to maintain his soccer-playing ability (as he acquires if from the Mahi-Mahi, the most soccer-loving of all the predatory fish). Dagon has been punishing Donovan for his ill-advised move to Leverkeusen, finally culminating in his poor showing at the '06 World Cup and the Galaxy's dismal effort last season. Donovan should continue his return to form and finally vanquish his arch-enemy Carlos Ruiz and claim his throne as rightful king of Atlantis. Furthermore, David Beckham will impregnate the entire left coast and Victoria Wifeham will produce an album about it that will rival Popozao in "Popozao-itude." And yes, I was trying to out-homoeroticize Jason with that picture.