Counteeng My Blessingsuh

The following is a guest post from the Right Reverend Booker T. Kilimanjaro, who is sending his correspondence from a dystopian future society known only as "Ko-rea".

So it's recently occurred to me that I've been feeling "gloomy" lately. (A little inside, I know.) So I've decided to buck up and count my blessings in what will be heralded as, but not become ever in reality, a recurring feature on this site.

Blessing number one: Being able to say whatever I want, whenever I want, at whatever volume I want, about anyone I please.

After spending the better part of a year in Korea's Alabraska (The culture of Alabama, the landscape of Nebraska, and the national currency of Alaska) I'd be less shocked by a singing pig than a Korean speaking uninflected, fluent English. Add to that the fact that Koreans, in what might be a bigger racial handicap than the drinking, or the driving, or the drinking and the driving, or even the dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you, love to make themselves look like the lead in an Anime, a Japanese word that can mean risibly coiffed ladyboy, or prepubescent whore, depending on the gender of the person in question. Needless to say I get my recommended daily dose of "Jumpin' Jesus! Get a load of that fucktard!" moments, which I then proceed to voice volubly and vociferously whatever the situation. I figure it's only a matter of time before I get my throat kicked by an outlandishly dressed Seoulite who's school and hogwan actually sprung for native speakers.

Another great part of that is stress reduction inherent in being able to speak your mind to anyone you want. I had a very Zen moment when earlier this week, standing next to my forty year old female co-teacher, shouting above the roiling horde of Gooklings that I will under no circumstances repeat the rules of the game we were about to play and that if they messed up they would be held to account, I was casting about for a phrase that they would understand and would drive the second point home. I then realized that they since they aren't even listening I may as well say what I want. Which is how I found myself roaring "... and if you get it wrong, well, TOUGH TITTY!" at a bunch of 13 year olds on Monday.

Of course, I am an English teacher, and as a recognized master of the ineffable Waygook gibber, I'm constantly looked to for an example of the proper use of idiom. Also on Monday, I was teaching with the most fluent of my teachers, and after a kid gave a particularly Hanglish riddled answer the stately old gent replied with "Seriously, what the hell?!", which I can only guess he learned as attache to the US millitary during his service in Seoul, and employed based on my use of that and similar phrases in that and similar situations. The best part was the expectant, hopeful look he shot me after he said it, to see if his pronunciation and syntax were ok. That'll do, pig, that'll do.

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