In Week Four of college football, the playoff picture finally takes shape. And by "playoff picture" I mean four schools that were ranked highly in the preseason have yet to lose and are now the only schools with a shot at the National Title. Hooray BCS! Meanwhile, every other team looks unimpressive.

In the NFL people continue to assume that the Chargers are a good team for no apparent reason. And as always I pretend there is no Monday Night game because I don't feel like waiting to write this.


College
In which we discover that Tim Tebow is all man


Oklahoma 62, Tulsa 21

In a weekend in which the SEC reminds us all who the best conference is, Oklahoma goes ahead and reminds us that they don't have to play anyone all season. Except Texas. So yeah, no one.

USF 37, UNC 10

South Florida being declared "this year's Boise State" begins in three, two...

Syracuse 38, Louisville 35

For three weeks the Orange Persons looked like they could be the worst team at the Division 1 Bowl Subdivision level (yes, including Notre Dame). Then a L'ville team that has been shaky-at-best all season long goes ahead and does their version of Michigan/App. St. And to think, Brian Brohm could be collecting checks in the NFL right now.

Michigan 14, Penn State 9

Good to see Michigan finally getting a game at home.

LSU 28, South Carolina 16

In this week's lone intriguing match-up, LSU proved why they look like the best team in the country. Not that it matters right now. The SEC will most likely beat up on each other leaving the two teams with no competition in their respective conferences (Oklahoma and USC) to march into the BCS title game.

Michigan State 31, Notre Dame 14

Did you hear about this!?! ND has started off 0-4 for the first time ever! Why is no one talking about this!?! This Jimmy Clausen kid should still get the Heisman!

Wisconsin 17, Iowa 13

Congratulations, Big Ten. Feel free to join the Big East over there in the area for Conferences That Don't Matter in 2007.


The National Football League
In which Brett Favre continues to make a case for my assertion that he should be on the one-dollar bill


Green Bay 31, San Diego 24

So everyone realizes that Norv Turner coaches the Chargers now. Alright then, just checking.

Baltimore 26, Arizona 23

Matt Leinart has to be embarrassed after being replaced by the corpse of Kurt Warner.

New England 38, Buffalo 7

In the near future we will all look back for the moment in which the NFL jumped the proverbial shark and we will decide that moment was this past week. The Pats had won two games, and had lost none. They had scored 38 points in both contests. And by Wednesday it was a mortal lock that they were going to somehow pull off a feat that has never happened and go 16-0. Anyway, they score 38 and win yet again. 3-0? This franchise might not ever lose again. We might as well just pack up the league and start watching soccer.

Philadelphia 56, Detroit 21

In the same way that most of us have learned not to - under any circumstances - taunt Steve Smith, we must now understand a similar premise about Donovan McNabb: never, ever question his quarterbacking skills anymore than you would that of a similarly talented white QB.

Oakland 26, Cleveland 24

Only 24 points? Bench Anderson! Bring in Brady Quinn!

Pittsburgh 37, San Francisco 16

Hey! Look at those Pats go. Seriously, pay no attention to what's going on over here. You needn't worry about it. Just go back to wild speculation and just pencil that New England team in for their fourth ring.

Carolina 27, Atlanta 20

During Sunday's NY/Washington game on FOX, the studio cut in to bring us footage of Joey Heisman's first TD toss of the season. Immediately after Troy Aikman exclaimed "Joey Harrington! I've been telling you, he's the guy! Been saying it for years now." The lesson here is this: Troy Aikman is still concussed. Should we be worried? He should probably have that checked out.

Dallas 34, Chicago 10

Not to go all Mariotti here, but how much longer can the Bears put up with The Sex Cannon? Not only has he completely dismantled Chicago's offense, he's also killing the defense because they're out there for the entire game. If this team had even a semi-decent QB they'd be Super Bowl bound yet again. And I know it's the NFC and anything can happen, but they're simply wasting one of the best defenses in recent memory. Meanwhile Dallas pulls away from the pack and becomes the de-facto Team To Beat in the NFC.

Many moons ago, when Freshman and I cohabited a small dorm room at Pitt, we watched WAY too much basketball. And because of such b-ball bingeing, we came across a young man on the Nuggets known as Chris Anderson - a.k.a. The Birdman. He quickly became a 2-West Fan Favorite due in no small part to his minimal minutes, sweet moves and the time that he permed his hair.

Following his stint with the Nugs, he moved on to the Hornets where he gained recognition from a wider fan-base thanks to this fantastic performance (remember, kids, EVERYTHING is funnier when it involves Yakety Sax):



Sadly, this would be the Birdman's last time to shine in the NBA. He was suspended for substance abuse a few months later. I know, I know. It's hard to believe watching this clip that he would ever touch a drug, but it's true. It happened.

Now here we are, almost two years later. And the Boston Globe is reporting on the possibility of Anderson coming back to The Association. We here at Forty Minutes will be waiting with baited breathe for the day when The Birdman can soar again. Godspeed, Chris Anderson.

It's that time of the week again, in which I write about all the football I watched this weekend when I could have been doing much more important things. Like finding a job. Or not drinking.

College
In which we marvel at the length of Charlie Weis’ fly


West Virginia 31, Maryland 14

Much like last week, the game was close in the first half until WVU decided to actually play a little bit. And, much like seasons previous, Maryland regretted retracting Steve Slaton's scholarship years ago. I'm assuming couches were burned in celebration.

Penn State 45, Buffalo 24

Last week Penn St. trounced Notre Dame. This week they looked a little flat against a pretty bad Buffalo team. It's hard to say if they just couldn't get up against a small school, or if Notre Dame can make any school look amazing. I'm thinking it could be a little bit of both. Penn St. still looks like the team to beat in the Big Eleven, the only difference this week as how much worse the entire conference looks.

Texas 35, UCF 32

Wait. I thought it was USF that was supposed to be keeping teams like this on their toes. Or maybe Texas is just overrated. I'd make a joke about Colt McCoy here if I wasn't afraid of Brent Musberger punching me in the mouth.

Oklahoma 54, Utah State 3

Running up the score against terrible opponents in an attempt to vault your team over the No. 1, but failing because the only way a No. 1 drops down is if they lose a game is The New Black.

Utah 44, UCLA 6

I blame East Coast Bias. Also Global Warming.

Alabama 41, Arkansas 38

With one last-second play, Nick Saban went from potential pariah to worth some of the money he’s making. And John Parker Wilson made Rush Propst cry tears of joy. Congrats, J.P. Dub, you are not a disgrace to Alabama Football.

UAB 22, Alcorn State 0

This game was decided when Squeaky Johnson beat Steve 'Air' McNair in a fight to the death. Seriously. Check the box score.

Kentucky 40, Louisville 34

This loss really hurts the Big East conference as a whole. I mean not as badly as some of the Big Ten performances this weekend. Maybe Rutgers running over Norfolk State will impress the judges. What’s that? No, it won't? Alright then.

Florida State 16, Colorado 6

If this game wasn't so God damned boring I might not have drank so much at the bar. Maybe. But probably not.

Michigan State 17, Pittsburgh 13

Ladies and Gentlemen, the latest entry to the 2008 Heisman Race: Shady McCoy. If he knew how to throw, Pitt wouldn't lose another game.


The National Football League
In which I pretend people care about how I did in fantasy football


Cleveland 51, Cincinnati 45

Hey! Remember a few years ago, when Weis (the offensive "guru") left New England for Notre Dame and Crenell (the defensive "genius") left for Cleveland. Well one's team doesn't have an offensive TD this season and the other just gave up 45 points. The good news? At least the Browns won their game. The other good news? The Steelers are in the drivers seat in this division.

Jacksonville 13, Atlanta 7

Seriously, what's the over/under on the amount of "The Falcons are who we thought they were" jokes that were made across the country on Sunday? It's got to be around 2,100 right?

Houston 34, Carolina 21

There was plenty of room on the Matt Schaub bandwagon when he was playing in place of Vick a few years ago. And now when I look around I see a few new faces and a lot of empty seats. C'mon folks, it's going to start filling up fast. Better hop on now before it's too late. I know Freshman and I have had our seats picked out for a long time, but there's still some room up here in the front. Have I driven this "driving the bandwagon" thing into the ground yet? Good, moving on...

Tampa Bay 31, New Orleans 14

Hey, people jumping off the Saints bus. Are you looking for a new bandwagon? Might I interest you in a Matt Schaub? Ok, ok, I'll stop now.

Indianapolis 22, Tennessee 20

If the NFL has proven one thing and one thing alone it's that White QB always beats Black QB. Always.

Detroit 20, Minnesota 17

The Detroit Lions are 2-0. Let me repeat: The Detroit Lions are 2-0. So, a note to those cellar dwellers out there: keep drafting wide receivers. Even if logic dictates that you shouldn’t because your organization has become a laughing stock and you’ve drafted receivers for the better part of a decade, just hold on. You're almost there! A few more receivers and you'll be the belle of the ball.

Baltimore 20, New York Football Jets 13

Mark it down. The 2007-2008 NFL Season will be remembered for one thing and one thing alone: Kyle Boller's Break Out Year.

New England 38, San Diego 14

One team cheated this year! One team cheated last year! ZZZZZZZZZZZ....

New York 4, Boston 3

Ahhhhh. That's better. Thanks, Derek.

Next Week: Is it time for the NHL yet?

Even though most of us here at Forty Minutes Of Hell can't agree on the same teams, there's one thing we do agree on: Everything the Dungeon Family touches is gold. Which is why I bring you Killer Mike's sports show. In this installment he brings us up to date on this phenomenon of "Makin' It Rain." Please to enjoy:



If there's one thing this video brings to light it's this: when dudes in tight girls' jeans have opinions on "Makin' It Rain" it's time to move on. So hang it up, makin' it rain.

Another day, another Red Sox Rant from perennial Forty Minute Favorite (TM) Freekin' Willy. In Today's episode, Bill expounds on Dice K:



I don't know. The pressure and the anger might be getting to him. Willy has a point, he might very well be loosing it. It's only September 12th! Will he make it to October? Will he be able to take the Playoffs? How does he feel about Dane Cook? Hopefully these questions and more will be answered in the next episode of "Red Sox Players I Can't Stand (Don't Get Me Started)".

See what I did there? It's a play on words. The kids love that stuff. Anyway here's a recap of what happened this weekend in the only sport that America cares about. You'll be more than hard-pressed to find one of these babies on the information superhighway.

College, in which most Top 25 teams didn't look very good at all


LSU 48, Virginia Tech 7

"Now I'm rooting for Virginia Tech, but..." might have been the most widely used sentence this weekend. A tragedy occurred on campus, so for some reason you're not allowed to root against a football team that has nothing to do with what happened. Personally, I could watch them lose every game for the rest of the season, but that's just me. The real story here is LSU. Sure, Va Tech was overrated at No. 9 (they always are), but LSU looks like the best team in the country. Just don't expect them to hop perennial No. 1 USC any time soon.

Oregon 29, Michigan 7

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Also, look for this to be the start of overrating the Pac 10, the knee jerk reaction of the media when being accused of "East Coast Bias."

Penn State 31, Notre Dame 10

What should have been a blow out was kept close by some bad play calling on the part of the Penn State offense and one QB who refuses to look off his receiver and will routinely throw into double- and triple-coverage. The Lion's defense, however, looks to be one of the best in the country. Notre Dame (now 0-2) can look at freshman QB Jimmy Clausen's performance as a sign of good things to come, but they'll probably just bitch about Weis, less than a year after crowning him King of Football.

Oklahoma 51, Miami (FL) 13

Pretty much the same as the LSU - Va Tech game, except this win looks less impressive on paper because Miami wasn't ranked. Why was it that no one wanted that Miami job again?

Washington 24, Boise State 10

The Nation's longest winning-streak ends at 14 with this Boise State loss. The dream is now dead.

South Florida 26, Auburn 23

USF fulfills their annual "upset" early this year with a big win at Auburn. The Big East juggernaut continues to roll on this season, with the conference standing at 14-2, with those two loses being attributed to Syracuse alone. Look out, Division 1 (formerly) Single A!

Pittsburgh 34, Grambling State 10

CAT BASKET


The National Football League, in which the NFL begins photoshopping Peyton Manning's head onto every other quarterback


Green Bay 16, Philadelphia 13

Green Bay shouldn’t have even been in this game, let alone taking the win away from Philly. Poor in game decisions, a sub-par performance from McNabb, and special team mishaps sealed the deal in this one. The Eagles' 2006 season was ended by one of the worst decisions to punt I have ever seen. It only seems fitting that they loose their 2007 opener because of a punt as well. Expect this to be the season where someone in the greater Philly area finally snaps and goes after McNabb with a knife.

Pittsburgh 34, Cleveland 7

It took the Browns less than a half to make their first QB switch of the season. Don't anticipate it being the last. Meanwhile they could also use some help on defense, their running game, receiving, and - fuck it, why not - special teams too. That is to say, this isn't a very good team. On the other side of the ball, the Stillers looked pretty sharp, with Roethlisberger throwing for 161 yards and a whopping four TDs. Although, as I said, this was more of a warm up than it was a showcase of how well the 2007 Steely McBeams look.

Minnesota 24, Atlanta 3

A lot of people tried to talk themselves into the Falcons team. Harrington getting (another) fresh start. A new coach. A team trying to get beyond The Amazing Adventures of The Family Vick. And, of course, the ever popular "Ewing Theory." Then they took the field and looked exactly how they should look. This might very well get worse in Atlanta before it gets any better.

New England 38, New York Football Jets 14

And Pennington goes down! Who had Week 1 in the office pool? Meanwhile it looks like the Brady/Moss connection is a hit in New England. Ronnie, the crazy alcoholic at the end of the bar, was sour on how Moss would do this season, and Randy made him look like a fool. Which is funny, because it's usually Ronnie's hat that does that.

Detroit 36, Oakland 21

The Raider's lone bright spot last season - their defense - just gave up 36 points to the Detroit Lions. Uh oh.

Houston 20, Kansas 3



Dallas 45, New York Football Giants 35

It seems all is forgiven in Dallas (excluding Drew Bledsoe, of course) as Tony Romo lit up the G-Men on Sunday Night is Football Night. Neither defense in this game looked particularly impressive, which is why this was the highest scoring affair in Cowboys-Giants history. The major story coming out of this game is the amount of injuries the Giants sustained, losing three starters. Ouch. Well at least it looks like Jared Lorenzen lost some weight.

Next Week: The Charlie Weis/Lloyd Carr DEATHMATCH!

Squirrels! Who doesn't love them? Terrorists, that's who! But here in the United States of America they are seen as harbingers of good will, bringers of peace, eaters of acorns, and dodgers of cars. They frolic and cause little-to-no fuss. They have fun, bushy tails. And sometimes they fly!

Now the squirrel population has done what many scientists considered impossible and added one more trait to their litany of awesomeness: Yankees fan. "When did this happen," you ask? Well, just last week, as a squirrel has moved into - or rather, onto - the right field foul poll at Yankee Stadium.

Now unlike the New York Times, with their fancy journalism degrees and knowledge of Norse mythology outside of Manowar albums, I believe this to be a good thing. This is a good omen, a sign of fantastic things to come. For once the squirrel appeared on that fateful day last week, the Yankees went on to sweep the hated Boston Red Sox and strike fear into the heart of the eternally frustrated Freekin' Willy.

Now, granted, after that sweep the Yankees dropped three of four games and lost Andy Phillips, and (possibly) Roger Clemens. But tonight the squirrel appeared again. It was late in the game, the Yankees were leading Seattle 1-0 in a tight, well-pitched game, when the camera zoomed in on the right field foul poll. There he sat, in all his woodland glory, presiding over a Yankees' offense that let the floodgates open on Seattle's bullpen.

When the dust finally settled, the Yankees had prevailed with a 12-3 victory. The squirrel, of course, nodded in approval.

New York has now taken a two game lead in the AL Wild Card standings and Chien-Ming Wang has become the first 17-game winner in the league. All thanks in no small part to that squirrel.

Now, I'm not going to say this makes the New York Baseball Yankees a mortal lock to become World Series Champions. But, let us not forget a plucky primate from the West Coast that led the former Anaheim Angels all the way to the title. And lets be honest here, squirrel beats Rally Monkey hands down. Especially when one is a clip from a Jim Carrey movie, and the other has moved - lock, stock and barrel full of nuts - into the House That Ruth Built.

Beware, American League. Beware, Major League Baseball. Fear The Squirrel.