Kauffman Stadium...Outfielders Hell!!!

Congratulations select readers of the 'Forty Minutes Insider' Club, I will now inform you as to why the Kansas City Royals are terrible.

Drumroll please...

Kauffman Stadium!

Literally may be the worst stadium design I've ever seen...and I grew up going to Phillies games at the Vet.

Ok, so here's the deal. I was watching the Philthies two days ago, with Jon Lieber pitching what would become a gem of a complete game shutout. The game started at 7:10 EST, which, I thought, was the same time in KC. Turns out I was wrong, and that they are an hour behind. Mistake #1.

The thing is, when you start a game at Kauffman Stadium on a sunny day with two and a half odd hours of sunlight left, you may as well do that trick little kids do to ants where they burn them under a magnifying glass. Its literally like taking six blind people and saying 'Hey guys, wanna play outfield in the major leagues?'

Needless to say, when you combine the power of the sun with outfielders that already play like they are blind, you have problems. The starting outfield consists of: At Center, David De 'The Real' Jesus, at Left Joey Gaith'wrong', and in right Mark Teahen. Mark Teahen isn't even deserving of a nickname because his last name is Teahen. Make it two words. It's funny. Tea hen.

So back to the game. As I watched the first...oh...two innings, I watched Gaithwrong commit two of the silliest errors I've ever seen. He was literally right under the ball and the ball of fire blinded him as he simultaneously realized he has no talent and he dropped the ball.

Trust me, it gets even more mysterious. The Phils won because of Lieber, and the so-called 'errors'...non-existent. I don't know if they HAVE scorekeepers at 'The K' (which just adds more irony to the debacle that is the Kansas City Royals...), but it certainly doesn't seem like it.

And as an added bonus, not only do the outfielders get to contend with the sun, but they also have to contend with...WATERFALLS!!! THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF GALLONS OF PURE UNADULTERATED WATER FROM THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER*. Now I must admit, having waterfalls in the outfield is definitely cool. But not if you're an outfielder! Why would you want that gushing sound invading your ear drums?

So, in review,
WATERFALLS: Cool looking, not for drinking out of, loud.
SUN: Bright, hot, menacing, full of Machismo.

And thus ends my analysis of Kauffman Stadium. If they ever rename it, they should rename it Purgatory Plaza, because it feels heavenly due to the waterfalls, but blinding sun is there to remind you that you play for the KC Royals...which is hell.

As an addendum to my last post...acquiring Jose Mesa was, as predicted, a horrendous idea. He threw two wild pitches which scored two runs, and looks a lot older and worse than the Joe I used to know and love. I don't even want to look at the strike/ball ratio, because its embarrassing.

That's all for now, back to work. Have a great day, and be happy you aren't a Royals fan! (Or if you are...God bless your sad, sad soul.)

*Maybe...that was just a guess...could easily be the Missouri River too.

3 Responses to “Kauffman Stadium...Outfielders Hell!!!”

  1. # Blogger B. Marcks

    Seriously. The elipses and exclaimation marks are ridiculous.  

  2. # Blogger Maximis

    Cry me a Mississippi River. At least I got the picture sizing right....right...!!!!

    Focus on the work Brenden, focus on the work.  

  3. # Blogger dsavage

    Wow...a fan of a World Series Champion throwing rocks at a last place team...and their stadium. How original.
    The Royals might suck..(for now) but their stadium certainly does not. (There is a reason they built a new one in Phillidelphia already)..so I really don't think you have a leg to stand on. Gathright is gone, DeJesus is a stud...(do you watch baseball?) and making fun of a name...really? Might want to check google maps (while your re-learning your time zones)...its the MISSOURI river that flows through KC..the MISSISSIPPI...that would be St. Louis...another NL East dump. So yea the Royals suck..your not really breaking any news there..but get a clue about the stadium before you go blowing off at the mouth. And all this w/o a visit? You watched it on tv? Wow.  

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