Let's All Go For A Ride On The Free Spin Express: Another Fucking MLS Preview


I decided the best way to do my personal MLS team, the Revs, is to utilize my favorite Timecube quote of all time. Furthermore, it should be noted that FC Dallas (then Dallas Burn) played out of my high school's football stadium for two seasons. If you're looking for team loyalty in the face of all logic and reason, you'll find it in the man who refused to start following the Burn even though they were playing less than five blocks from my backyard. In conclusion, Southlake Carroll High School football rules!

Best Passage Ever:

"Subject: TIME CUBE IS PROVEN BY TEACHER
Date: Wed, 30 Oct 2002 17:54:04 EST
From: Mazurian1@aol.com
To: oray612959@earthlink.net

Dear Mr. Ray-

For a year now I have studied your Time Cube truths but have not been able to convince others of its reality (dumbasses). My mother is a teacher, and she said it was "nutty" and "stupid." But guess what- I cornered her, literally, in the living room one evening, and forced her to admit it.

IN ORDER TO GET HER TEACHING CERTIFICATE, SHE HAD TO SIGN AN AFFIDAVIT STATING THAT SHE WOULD UPHOLD THE GREENWICH MYTH UNTIL DEATH. I shit you not. It has been revealed.

American teachers are sworn to fight against the truth of Time Cube."

Best Interpretation Ever:

Mazurian1 shits you not, and therefore I also shit you not when I say that Taylor Twellman has great fucking hair. He will also look to score a very large number of goals in a completly unimpressive fashion. Thankfully, the season may have been saved by Steve Nicol cornering Shalrie Joseph and FORCING HIM TO SIGN AN AFFADAVIT STATING THAT HE WOULD STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT NOT BEING ALLOWED TO MOVE TO CELTIC FOR A VERY REASONABLE TRANSFER FEE. Seriously, Shalrie, don't be such a selfish prick. It would also be nutty and stupid to even try to stop Matt Reis from taking penalty kicks. He's bald. He needs this, goddamnit. And, to finish this out, a fun, true story about Steve Nicol.

A friend of mine played on a Massachusetts state-select team which was occasionally coached by Steve Nicol. I went to one of his practices in high school and got to see Nicol's training regimen in action. He paired the kids off and then told them to try to slap eachother's feet without allowing their opponent to slap their feet. To this day, that was the weirdest thing I've ever seen a group of twenty or more people do. It should also be noted that they spent almost a third of a ninety-minute practice doing this. The moral of the story here is that Steve Nicol is obviously a problem drinker with a sick sense of humor.

Season Rating:

20 Four-Day Simultaneous Timecubes ... it has been REVEALED

5 Responses to “Let's All Go For A Ride On The Free Spin Express: Another Fucking MLS Preview”

  1. # Blogger J Cramer

    YOU JUST ENTERED THE GAMBLER BONUS ROUND  

  2. # Blogger J Cramer

    Seriously, that chick on the left has crazy eyes. I would like to take her to the Olive Garden, despite her being very much underage.  

  3. # Blogger Freshman

    She's wall-eyed! That girl is freaking me out! Hey kid, here's a dollar, run on down to the corner store and get me some turkey and HI-C!!!  

  4. # Blogger J Cramer

    I beg to differ Freshman. I see hopes and dreams in her eyes. Any girl who can actually recognize Taylor Twellman is good by me. The chick on the right looks like a 12 year old Jessica Simpson.

    Since you like soccer, girl with the weird eyes, maybe you will somehow stumble across this blog. Don't listen to Freshman you are a beautiful flower. I am offering you a date with a very available 21 year old man. Hit me up on the email messages.

    Wow even making that joke I think I'm going to end up at a nice, surburban house with Chris Hansen interrogating me.

    I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC and we are doing a story on adults who solicit teens for sex over the internet.  

  5. # Blogger J Cramer

    I would also show up to that house naked. Just an addendum.  

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