Forty Minutes Of Hell

The Halloween Mix Bodhisattva

2010-10-08T18:14:00.000-07:00

First off, I know exactly what the hell the title means. This fucking mix could have transcended to a realm of pure energy years ago, but it chose to remain among the scum and filth of this world to show you the way.

Before you get to see the mix, a brief word about how you've been fucking up your Halloween mix all these years.

First of all, Halloween is not actually about Satan, devils monsters and such. No one celebrates Halloween to legitimately be scared. Kids do it to dress up like their favorite cartoon characters and pass out in a puddle of chocolate vomit at the end of the night. Adults do it to have an excuse to act like immature little kids again, and pass out in a puddle of regular vomit at the end of the night.

Therefore black/death/speed metal does not belong on a Halloween mix. Unless your Halloween party is a bunch of pimply 14-year-olds with aggression problems playing D&D in your parent's rec room, this is totally inappropriate. However, music that puts forth a "spooky" air, but is still fun to listen to, i.e. The Horror, or Fresh Blood is great. It reminds people that they're at a theme party, but they enjoy it, also. Crazy right?

Examples: http://www.cinemablend.com/music/The-Official-2008-CB-Music-Halloween-Mix-Tape-13108.html Tracks 2, 10 and 21. This is after he makes the same argument I just did.

Secondly, if you're the kind of music nerd who's got enough music to make theme mixtapes for parties, it's going to be hard to remember where the "killer" is 'mongst all the "filler". But some of these mixtapes look like the person went to the itunes search bar and just typed "ghost", "Monster" "Vampire" etc in and added whatever got coughed up. "Werewolf" by Cat Power, and "Zombie" by the Cranberries might seem like they'd fit if you don't give two shits about what you're doing. And Christ help you if put Vampire Weekend or some such on there. The only one who sees the Artist Name and Track Title are you. Everyone else just listens to the music. Nothing about the Starlight Mints' Rhino Stomp suggests it'd work in a Halloween mix, but by God, it does.

Example: That last blog, tracks 4, 14, 18. Edgar Winter's Frankenstein? Don't Fear the Reaper? Fucking Donovan?!

http://freemusicarchive.org/curator/WFMU/blog/Creative_Commons_Halloween_Mix This is probably the ugliest mess of hipster "obscurity trumps everything" I've ever seen. Like two of these songs work.

Thirdly, and I think I may be the first person in the history of the internet to realize this, but we used to be ten years old. That's why Halloween is awesome, regressing to that time. And what thought consumed our every waking minute all the way through October? Fucking candy is what! What kind of goth nerd gets so wrapped up in the fake spiderwebs and construction paper bats that he puts Black Sabbath on a Halloween mix and neglects "Candyman", "Sugar High" "I Want Candy" et al.?

Fourth: the Monster Mash. It is just horrible. It's obvious, it's not a fun song it's not good music and you can't even listen ironically to it since it gets played every year at every party like clockwork. "The Blob" however, is awesome.

Fifth: Even if the song is awesome, and it's got a cool title and all, if it doesn't fit or flow, it's out. Fela Kuti's Zombie is awesome and fits, but at 12 plus minutes, it'll be bringing up the rear or departing. Sex and Candy is almost too on the nose, but it's slow and not really superfun. It's on probation. Gorillaz "November Has Come" is a cute little bit of themework, but I couldn't get it to fit so out it goes. Gotta be flexible.

Sixth: Like every Mix on the internet seems to be broken up into one or more groups of like 10-15 songs. This isn't 2003, you don't have to burn this shit to a cd. It can be as long as you like, and since your party will hopefully be going for more than an hour or two it just makes sense to make it super long.

Here they are, in no particular order. A mix three times as long, ten times as fun, with more angles to it than your average unimaginative haunted house album that tends to get made. You're welcome. I'll probably be adding and subtracting all the way up to the 31st so if you've got a suggestion let's hear it.

The Hives: Abracadaver
Oingo Boingo: Dead Man's Party
Genesis: Justice
Do The Know It's Hallowee'n: The North American Halloween Prevention Initiative
The Horror: RJD2
Wolf Like Me: TV on the Radio
Awoo: Hidden Cameras
Date With The Night: Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Engwish Bwudd: Man Man
Scarecrow: Martin Rebelski
Howlin' For You: Black Keys
Satan Said Dance: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
God Bless The Dead: 2Pac
Dance Till You're Dead: Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Zombie: Fela Kuti
Halloween: Aqua
Rhino Stomp: Starlight Mints
Boogie Monster: Gnarls Barkely
Curse of Millhaven: Nick Cave/Bad Seeds
Dig, Lazarus, Dig!: Nick Cave/Bad Seeds
Candy for Everyone: Luna
Fresh Blood: Eels
Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps): David Bowie
Eyes of the Night: Starlight Mints
All Alone: Gorillaz
Chase The Devil: Eagles of Death Metal
Voodoo Lady: Ween
Lollipop (Candyman): Aqua
The Blue Wrath: I-Monster
Nightmares: Clipse
Chocolate Pope: Electric Six
Ghost Town: The Specials
The Mask: Danger Doom
The Blob: The Five Blobs
M1 A1: Gorillaz
Dracula's Wedding: Outkast
Sugar High: Coyote Shivers
Werewolf Bar Mitzvah: Tracey Jordan
Sex and Candy: Marcy Playground
Goodbye Horses: Q Lazarus
Pretend We're Dead: L7
Ghostbusters Theme: Ray Parker Jr.
A Nightmare on My Street: DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince:
Tootsee Roll: 69 Boyz
The Robots: Teddybears
The Boy Least Likely To is a Machine: The Boy Least Likely To
Mr. Vampire: Torches
Behind My Camel: The Police

Suggested by Brendan:
Skulls: Misfits
Halloween: Mudhoney

Consider the game elevated.

Also, This

2009-12-02T06:08:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYkw-5htPw0&feature=player_embedded

Cloisterfuck Hash

2009-12-02T06:00:00.000-08:00

So, I'm the designated "quote" secretary "unquote" of the local hash club, which means I write down the minutes of the run/bar crawls. Being that this is the only funny thing I've written since I've moved out here, and nothing's gone up since Freshman took off for Meheeco in July, I figured I'd post it to give our obsessive readership something new to look at.

First, the Good News:

The ever-striving perfectionists of the Metro Transit Authority decided to spruce up the A line for our arrival to the Cloisters this past Sunday. While they weren't quite able to finish on time, we understand that these things don't hold to a strict timetable, and we all look forward to seeing what they decided to do with the place. Fortunately the weather was just right for a 20-block hike up the mountainside.

Then everyone's favorite members of the local constabulary, Officers Nunez and Silvano stopped by to say hi and volunteered to give an impromptu lecture on local drinking regulations and good citizenship. They were so impressed with our group that they invited a select few of us to part 2 of the lecture series at the courthouse downtown. (For those of you who like Law and Order, part two is when the prosecuting attorneys browbeat you and any family members they can drag into the interrogation room with grade school level pop psychology while your defense sits dumbly in a corner until you fly into a rage and blurt out a full confession) A formal invitation was extended to the officers to join our club.

Finally the hash was off, over hill and dale, down cliff and up. I provided plenty of checks to keep the hahsers together and chit-chatting as well as to give them valuable looking for things practice. We all arrived at the City II Bar, which has amazing specials Friday night, or at least that's what I think the regulars were telling me through their tracheotomy holes. Beer was poured and fun was had, I imagine, being that I was immediately off. Just outside the door, the bartendress and her friend asked me how everyone knew to come to the bar. I directed her to the day-glo green chalk "On-In" written on the sidewalk with a series of arrows leading up to it that she was standing on, explained that that was us, and extended a formal invitation to the hash to both of these osteoperotic maids of the bar.

The hash then got a valuable lesson in history as they proceeded through New York's historic Spinning Rim and Car Wash and Sidewalk Sneaker Sale District. The headlines and great men and women to rise from this fertile soil are far too numerous to name here. They then proceeded into Hibridge Park and were sent up a cliffside covered in loose dirt. As they climbed huge sheets of topsoil and trash rained down over them, and they were able to get a look at both the geologic strata that make up our beloved island and valuable artifacts from yesteryear that demonstrated how people lived back in the olden times of yore. Once they got to the top, they traveled around ball- and BMX- parks looking for flour. Fortunately I had given the local children invaluable truth-telling lessons, as its never too early to instill good character. Hopefully they were of some help to the pack.

Finally, a mere 6 blocks away from the on-in, those crazy, fitness obsessed bravos that make up our hash decided to run in random directions for about 45 minutes, to really blast their glutes before they called it a night. Meanwhile I became fast friends with Jimmy, the local manager of Mi Nido Taverna who told me all about how to spot a whore (pretty much every female in the bar) and what to do in the sticky situation where what you thought was a regular girl turns out to be a whore and demands money. It was pretty much an hour of stories about for-profit blowjobs. Anyway, we got talking about soul music and he loaded the jukebox with money to give us free tunes for the rest of the night. Needless to say, a formal invitation was offered to Jimmy to join the hash.

By this time I had become so besotted that I forgot what was hash cash and what was my money and bought $30 worth of $2 beers because happy hour was ending and then used what was left in my wallet to buy fried chicken. The pack arrived right then, and there was much rejoicing. Stain sang his favorite lingering eternity of a song, Just Rick almost got his head bashed with a pool cue for addressing someone in Spanish, and Just Sean got a front row seat to the whole drunken mess.

All of which brings me, with great reluctance, to the bad news.

A bunch of whiny jerks made me drink beers for stuff I didn't even do and now it's morning and my head hurts.

Until next month, you bold centurions!

Type A-Hole

On the Lyrics of "Maneater," by Hall & Oates

2009-07-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

She`ll only come out at night, the lean and hungry type
Nothing is new I`ve seen her here before…Watching and waiting
Ooh, she`s sitting with you but her eyes are on the door
So many have paid to see what you think you`re getting for free
The woman is wild, a she-cat tamed by the purr of a jaguar
Money`s the matter, if you`re in it for love, you ain`t gonna get too far

(Oh oh, here she comes) watch out boy, she`ll chew you up
(Oh oh, here she comes) she`s a maneater
(Oh oh, here she comes) watch out boy, she`ll chew you up
(Oh oh, here she comes) she`s a maneater

I wouldn`t if I were you, I know what she can do
She`s deadly, man, she could really rip your world apart
Mind over matter, ooh, the beauty is there, but a beast is in the heart

(Oh oh, here she comes) watch out boy, she`ll chew you up
(Oh oh, here she comes) she`s a maneater
(Oh oh, here she comes) watch out boy, she`ll chew you up
(Oh oh, here she comes) she`s a maneater

Ooooooooooh ooh (Oh oh, here she comes) here she comes
Watch out boy, she`ll chew you up
(Oh oh, here she comes, watch out) she`s a maneater
(Oh oh, here she comes, she`s a maneater) Ooh, she`ll chew you up
(Oh oh, here she comes) Here she comes, she`s a maneater
(Oh oh, here she comes, watch out) She`ll only come out at night, oo
(Oh oh, here she comes) Here she comes, she`s a maneater
(Oh oh, here she comes, she`s a maneater) the woman is wild
(Oh oh, here she comes) here she comes
Watch out, boy, watch out, boy (Oh oh, here she comes)
Oh watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out
(Oh oh, here she comes) Yeah yeah, she`s a maneater
(Oh oh, here she comes, she’s a maneater) She’s watching and waiting
(Oh oh, here she comes) Oh, she’s a maneater

I believe the preceding are the lyrics for Hall & Oates 1982 single "Maneater." The song reached #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 that same year! Way to go, Hall & Oates! Furthermore, the song was supposedly inspired by actress Kelly LeBrock, who starred alongside Forty Minutes of Hell favorite and accomplished bluesman Steven F. Seagal in the 1990 film Hard to Kill. Critics are divided on whether or not Seagal's greatest achievement is the cover of his 2005 album, Songs from the Crystal Cave, or the title of the ninth track of his 2006 follow-up, Mojo Priest.

I know what you're thinking - that all this was just an elaborate excuse to post the video at the bottom of this post - but you're wrong -dead wrong. It was all just an accident - a happy accident.

Editor's Note: For full effect, sans Reggie, the clip above should be watched repeatedly until enlightenment is attained and the viewer transcends samsara and achieves moksha. Devotees of Mahayana Buddhism may choice to leave the material realm and become a bodhisattva, although it should be stated that Forty Minutes of Hell remains strictly neutral on this course of action.

On Southeastern Massachusetts Conservative Talk Radio

2009-07-27T09:07:00.001-07:00

I've been doing a lot of driving lately, which is rather unfortunate. Driving on Cape Cod in the summer is rather arduous, as most days of the week you have to navigate through a ridiculous amount of traffic that is either heading down Cape for vacation or trying to get off to go back to work. Since I lack the skills necessary to function in everyday society, namely remembering what day it is, I tend to get stuck in this traffic on a regular basis. Full disclosure: I also lack the ability to spell the word necessary right in under three tries. It's my personal Sisyphean task.

Furthermore, I never manage to bring a sufficiently varied amount of CDs with me so after an hour or so in the car I usually end up hammering the seek button repeatedly until something tolerable or interesting pops on. We actually have a decent selection of radio stations here, such as WMVY and NPR as well as stations in both Spanish and Portuguese. WBCN (which is actually changing formats very soon) is intermittently tolerable, even though they don't seem to realize that music was recorder both before and after grunge. But, man cannot live on This American Life alone and once WMVY starts heading into what I like to call painfully white blues-rock I've been known to almost careen off the road reaching for the dial.

It is my to my everlasting joy, then, when I run across a local conservative talk show. This is actually more difficult than one would think, assuming one does not live in Massachusetts. Turns out this little universal-health-care-havin' state can't actually support a full-time FM conservative talk station. Only one station comes in on my dial, and they seem to do everything from home improvement shows to Red Sox games to screaming nutcases literally shouting about "those people" when talking about certain Harvard professors. But we're getting ahead of themselves.

Everyone is familiar with the national icons of conservative talk radio, or contalkro, is it will henceforth be known, such as Limbaugh, Beck and Hannity. The basic premise, as far as I can tell, is "white man talk crazy get people riled." It has been my experience that local contalkro shock jocks have to think outside the box to draw attention to themselves over the national boys. This makes for an excellent listen. Even more so when you find yourself in an area that is not traditionally conservative. Giving these guys a smaller base from which to draw just amps up the insanity, like going from Aladdin Sane David Bowie to "I'm going to share an apartment with Iggy Pop!" David Bowie. More fun for the whole family.

Back when I lived in Pittsburgh, my roommates and I would watch a lot of Honsberger Live!, the TV version of local host Fred Honsberger's show (that's his delightful mug up above). Basically, Honsberger was good bet for entertainment on a summer weekday for three under and unemployed people in their early twenties. If I recall correctly, one of us was unemployed entirely, one was financing his day-to-day existence by doing psychological studies at Carnegie Mellon university, which were only on weekdays, causing him to compare his existence on weekends as "like a wildebeest going through the lean season," and another had a job as a deliver driver that regularly left him at home or at the abode of Jason Jones waiting for a call. We had a twelve month lease that was paid over nine to ensure that students didn't run out in the summer, meaning that we were temporarily rent-free.

See that? That's what we in the biz call "verisimilitude." Now back to the Hons...

His job was basically to drum up outrage over local and state topics, something that frequently left him short of topic points. Since he couldn't regularly rant about Hillary Clinton (though lord, did he try, even placing a framed picture of here with a line through it so it was always visible just over his right shoulder), he would regularly concoct inane and poorly thought out arguments, sometimes seemingly on the spot. The experience sometimes mirrored the TA in this classic Mr. Show sketch. Here was where having the show on TV came in handy: you got to see the expression on his face as he stared at the camera while he tried to build up outrage over the existence of a twenty-two pound lobster. Sadly, I couldn't find a clip or any other references to Honsberger's angry demands to be fed the lobster and exultation after it's demise. Let's recap: a man was paid to rant for several days about his disgust that a freakishly large lobster was being displayed in an aquarium instead of being cooked and eaten. Shortly before Bubba died, he was even offering hundreds of dollars for the poor bastard so he could eat it. And there was not a trace of irony or self-awareness to be found.

I bring this up because the local contalkro blows Honsberger out of the proverbial water. Despite his burgeoning lunacy, Honsberger at least realized that the thing hanging in front of his face was called a microphone and served the purpose of recording his voice so that it could be broadcast across the land. He did not feel the need to shout at the top of his lungs for a full hour. Listening to someone shout things about Obama, fascism and socialism as loud as they can while a caller, who is actively agreeing with them, tries to out-shout them is a rare moment of divine unintentional comedy in our increasingly post-modern and irony-laden world. I've started toying around with the idea of somehow transmogrifying this into a team Halloween costume, but I have the feeling the joke would wear thin after a few hours.

Tragically (or perhaps not), it's the very environment that produces this lunacy that limits it to no more than just a few hours a week. There aren't enough people to support more than one or two of these shows, but the scarcity of air time causes those that do to throttle up their particular brand of crazy to compensate for it's brevity. I can't seem to nail down when the shows come on, or even who hosts them because Cape Cod gets either Providence or Boston stations depending on where you are, what time of day it is and possibly even the dew point. I'm saying they're unreliable. Have we made that clear? Let's move on.

This makes actually stumbling across one of these shows even more rewarding. Remember back when Family Guy was on it's first run on Fox and how the network would jerk around their time slot like a blind hooker with an inner-ear infection? I think I enjoyed watching those episodes more because each one came like a total surprise. Now I feel that way about New England contalkro. To paraphrase everyone who has even had cancer ever, every time I find one of these shows accidentally is a gift.

In other news, you can now watch every episode of TJ Hooker on youtube. You're not going to, because you don't want to, but you can.

On Cockfighting

2009-07-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

As is contractually obliged by the Terms of Service of this here website, I am required to state in the opening sentence of this post (notwithstanding a brief exclamation, such as "Oh!" or "Yikes!") that it has been quite some time since I wrote on this blog. I've always found this to be a somewhat irritating and definitely pointless exercise, as it assumes that the person who is reading whatever you wrote is both incapable of scrolling down and has no long term memory. The lawyers have been appeased, so let's move on.

Since my last post, I've left Korea, hoboed from Mexico down to Peru, flew to Texas and then continued hoboing all the way to Massachusetts, where I have been trapped in a sort of sensory deprivation chamber (called "Cape Cod" by it's surly and enigmatic inhabitants) that has led me to start blogging again to avoid a complete crushing of the soul and mind. Seriously, people: today I purchased this. I have no idea why. I've never read any of it or known anyone who has. I don't own any comics or graphic novels and can't fully explain why the first one that I've chosen to buy is a 1300 page monster. I already have about six thousand pages of books to read because every time I go past the local Salvation Army I go in and buy six books. Honestly, I don't know who these people are who are giving these books away. On the last run, I picked up books by Don DeLillo, Phillip Roth and Thomas Pynchon. Apparently there's a refuge of postmodern literature professors hiding out in the woods behind my house. But I digress.

I've decided to use this space as a sort of mental clearinghouse for the types of things that I think incessantly on while locked up here. It's entirely possible this could continue once I go back to Guatemala in a little under a month, but let's not hold our collective breaths, because holding our breath for that long would be stupid and pointless and would undoubtedly kill us all. And who wants that?

Answer: this man, most likely.

I'm sorry. That was an absolutely shameless and inappropriate way to shoehorn my favorite website into this post.*

Have you ever heard of a journalist "burying the lede?" If not, then rest assured that you're witnessing a right powerful example right now.

I've been reading a lot of sports news lately for several reasons. One is that I've started getting the New York Times and their sports coverage is paltry at best. Two is that I spend a lot of time dicking around on the internet when I'm supposed to be studying for the GREs. Full disclosure: that's only two reasons, making the earlier claim of "several" somewhat inaccurate. Would you rather have me list a litany (alliteration!) of superfluous and half-baked reasons or would you rather have an already overlong, verbose story continue on unnecessarily longer? Don't answer that, I finished typing this a long time ago and I can't hear you. Did your parents drop you on your head as a child? Ridiculous.

I got distracted there for a minute and completely forgot how I was going to segway this into my actual topic, and honestly, this was the best I could come up with. I might be a little rusty.

Back in April, I rolled into a little place called Banos (note: I can't seem to figure out how to type non-English letters) in Ecuador. It's basically a small resort town about four hours southwest of Quito that is one of the most popular vacation spots for Ecuadorians; mainly for it's natural hot springs. Being set in a temperate place that looks like this doesn't hurt either. At this point in my trip, I had completely stopped planning more than twenty-four hours in advance and got on the bus in Quito because I had a half-baked plan to wander into the jungle to meet a friend of a friend, whom I had never spoken to, and hang out with a jungle tribe for a week. Needless to say, this plan fell apart almost immediately after it was hatched. I somehow arrived and managed to find a decent place to sleep even though I was landing right smack-dab in the middle of Holy Week in a country that takes their Catholicism a wee bit more serious than most. That said, pretty much everyone in Banos appeared to be celebrating Holy Week by getting very, very shitty. And by going to cockfights.

Not only is cockfighting legal and encouraged in Ecuador, it's also practically the national sport. To quote Lonely Planet, "a town ain't a town without a cockfighting ring," which, if I ever found some sort of Jonestown-type utopian settlement, will be the official town motto. Ecuadorian cockfights are a weekly, bring-the-kids type affair. The fact that we were sitting in a concrete building watching pairs of roosters try to kill each other for sport on Easter Sunday seemed to be of little concern to anyone in attendance. The mystery liquor that was being served at the arena bar may have had something to do with this.

But first, the building itself. Located several kilometers outside of town and down a shady alley behind a gas station stood the square, whitewashed building festively adorned with a painting of a pair of roosters facing off in boxing gloves. In actuality, the roosters are outfitted with sharp razors on their feet, but that failed to make the painting any less awesome.

The fact that cockfighting is legal here made the building's dodgy location a little mysterious. Why was it way out of town and not visible from the road? It makes the experience of entering the building a little anticlimactic, as those expecting a horde of chain-smoking Asian men yelling and waving thick wads of bills and shouting and generally carrying on (read: me) are disappointed to find something slightly more sane.

Each bout is preceded by all the interested parties crowding around a ping-pong table in the corner and thoroughly inspecting the two pugilist birds for an ungodly amount of time. The inspections, in the early parts of the night, can take up to thirty minutes. It should be noted that the length of these inspections tends to decrease as the night goes on, people get a little more mystery corn juice into them and a general attitude of "fuck it! Gamblin' time!" pervades the air. Regrettably, bets are placed in an entirely civil and sense-making manner that is absolutely nothing like Bloodsport or The Deer Hunter.

The fights themselves are not actually to the death, or more accurately, are not meant to be to the death, but if a rooster happens to die, then so be it. There are actually rounds, between which the owners tend to give little rooster-themed pep talks ("That rooster is fucking your hens! HE IS FUCKING YOUR HENS!") and do really creepy things like blowing on the rooster's head bloody head and sometimes even putting it into their mouths. I dimly recall that UFC lacked rounds until they started reforming in the mid-to-late-nineties, although I can't seem to find evidence of this. I plan to bring this up to John McCain if I ever meet him, probably because I can think of nothing less appropriate. Anyways, you should probably read closely, because this next piece of information will come in very useful if you're ever turned into a rooster and forced to fight another one.

There are two forms of rooster attack. One is the old-fashioned head peck, used like kick-boxers use punches - not really to kill, but just to wear down their opponent. As anyone who has ever cracked their forehead on something knows, scalp injuries bleed like hell, and be assured that for poultry it's no different. Feel free to go back and read the second sentence of the previous paragraph now. The other is to leap into the air and attempt to pin the other rooster's head to the ground. This is where the aforementioned razor blades on the feet come in. Repeat until one is dead or the owner decides he's had enough, which I suspect has something to do with salvaging that tasty, tasty cock meat.

I am absolutely positive the previous sentence was the worst thing that I have ever written. On the other hand, I think I deserve some sort of medal, or perhaps a collection of fancy cheeses, for making it that far without a single dick joke.

Actually, this is how roosters behave outside the ring. They just manage to do it without seriously hurting each other. While puzzling over this quandary, I remembered a comment a friend, whom I trust implicitly in all matters sub-legal and ethically questionable, made while telling a story about his Thai drug dealer and the mini-bike said drug dealer had bought for his Buddhist shrine. I believe the story consisted mainly of the dealer relating the quality and price of the bike along with the relative difficulty of getting it up the stairs. This dealer also trained roosters, and the admission of this fact led to the following exchange:

Fellow Listener: How exactly does one train a cock to fight?
Storyteller: I believe they torture the shit out of them. Anyway ... (Continues to extol the virtues of various opiates)

All this goes on in a pit surrounded by people yelling helpful comments such as "Come on, red!" and "Come on, white!" as well as the occasional drunk gringo getting a little too into it over the two dollars they bet on the fight. The crowd ranges from those who one would suspect would frequent cockfights, namely grungy men of indeterminate age who seem to know way, way to much about rooster physiology (picture the main character from The Sun Also Rises as a mustachioed cockfight enthusiast and you have the picture) to entire families from two to 102.

Admittedly, our crowd was a little light, it being Easter and whatnot. The final match of the night, which was the first one that I finally got around to betting on, actually ended in a tie. Someday, when I compile the list of most amazing things I've seen, I don't see how that is not going to crack the top five. It's like flipping a coin and having it land on the edge.

Here's the point where I'm probably supposed to take some sort of moral stand on everything I've just described or perhaps use it to describe some sort of greater human truth. On the other hand, I have two rules in life, one of which is to not get worked up over or read too much into events that take place outside small towns in Ecuador. I'll sum this up by asking the online Magic 8-Ball a series of questions

Will I ever train roosters to fight as a living or hobby?
- "My sources say yes."

Is cockfighting inhumane?
- "No."

Is a town really a town if it lacks a cockfighting ring?
- "Don't count on it."

Will that fact that I left the ring without paying for my Arroz Con Pollo ever come back to haunt me?
- "Concentrate and ask again."

Since I don't like taking orders from inanimate objects, and much less a simulacra of an inanimate object, here we must part. I promise further entries will be much shorter than this.

* Author is not actually sorry.

Join Zipcar!

2009-02-04T12:38:00.001-08:00

Just When You Think You're Out... Now with alt-texty goodness!

2008-12-22T17:41:00.000-08:00

So I figured I was done ranting about Korea, and I am after a manner of speaking. This is a rant in Korea's favor. I'm watching motherfucking Anthony Bourdain and I have to write this or punch out the TV and then go to the hospital to have my had stitched up compliments of Lutron, who has apparently not canceled my Blue Cross. Class act, those guys.

So I've noticed some common elements in every travel related article/show/blog about Korea. They are as follows.

1. Everything in Korea is wonderful.

2. Kimchi is the spiciest thing on the planet. It is so goddamn fucking spicy that anyone who eats it instantly goes blind. And then dies. From the fucking spiciness. Also everyone in Korea eats it all the time.

3. Seoul, the capital city and entirety of the country, is positioned on the southernmost tip of Korea. The only place to go from Seoul is north, to the DMZ, at which it is appropriate to act as though this is the first time you were ever made aware of the Korean War.

4. Soju is this wild, wonderful, delicious nectar! See: 1.
4. a)Also there is nothing else to drink yourself drunk on.

5. Korean restaurants are all as modern and plastic as a McDonald's.

6. Korean cuisine consists wholly of kimchi, bulgogi, fish-head soup, BBQ and one AND ONLY ONE other from this list: silkworm bugs, nasty chicken pieces, or bibimbap.

7. There are Norae-bangs, (Karaoke joints) and DVD-bangs, (DVD joints) all over the place. There are no other types of bangs. There are also many other things to do.

8. People drink a lot! Sometimes in these, like, tents.

There's nothing wrong with broadening horizons, and if you're only going to be there for a couple of weeks, Korea is a cool place to check out. But every one of the things you see in a show about Korea is bullshit, as detailed in the following point-by-point rebuttal.

1. This isn't a Korea thing, all travel shows act like this with all countries. No one would make a show about a place just to bitch about it, and no one would watch if they did, but am I the only one who hears condescension in the obsequiousness that get lavished on any place featured in a travel show? Everyplace is perfect, everyone is wonderful, etc. etc. I dunno about anyone else, but this is how I speak to children. Yea our culture is materialistic and shallow, but people are, on the average, the same anywhere you go. Half the places I've been in have had a homegrown "Dancing with the Stars" playing on the dive bar TV. Every culture is extremely shitty in at least one way. (When in doubt: Statistically speaking, your culture's police force will probably truncheon the living shit out of you for making the above point.) Yet all travel writing acts as though every other culture in the world is populated entirely by impossibly generous, wonderful, hedonistic holy men/women. Find me one Lonely Planet article about a culture that does not contain three of the following words: (Hospitality, Spiritual, Generous, Ancient, Smiles, Magical, Lust-for-life, Laid-Back, Know-How-To-Party and if we've recently bombed the shit out of them: Hope-For-The-Future). People are the same in Korea as they are in America, Russia, Haiti, anywhere you could name. A little dopey, often douches, far from perfect, but on the balance ok. Yea Americans suck, and yea you'll meet cool people if you look. The same holds for everyone - it's called the human condition. I understand feeling like we need to apologize via fawning compliments to the rest of the world, becuase of colonialism and mercantilism and Cromwell and and slavery. But don't forget: that was WASPs, and everyone hates them anyway. Traveling is fun, but for god's sake, you should be allowed to comment on the fact that you can smell shit everywhere in Korea and not be a racist.

2. I read an article by Brooks or Friedman or Rich or some Op-Ed dick-at-large* about how Engrish would change the way "proper" English is spoken, because since more people worldwide speak it badly than speak it well, badly would become the new well (Those of us who taught English know it would become the new finethankyouandyou). I imagine an ideawhore like that was the first white guy to sit down to a plate of kimchi. "Very spicy" they told him. After a bite he thought "...Well, it certainly is seasoned, I guess that's what they mean, but who the hell am I to correct someone on the use of my own language?" And so the myth was born. And of course, since we must never, ever, ever, never ever, nerver, never imply a foreigner is incorrect (see #1), it has now become unassailable. Kimchi isn't bad, but no one has ever had to chase it with bleu cheese to get the burn out of their mouth. And yea, Koreans eat Kimchi with everything, we eat bread with on or in almost everything. It's the kind of boring fact you mention once and move on to the interesting stuff, which never happens because:

3. Fuck Seoul and every pampered, damp-assed, entitled wey-gook in it. Don't get me wrong, it's a wonderful town in the same way as New York is. And Seoul weygooks are all whiny, solipsistic posers in the same way lifelong Manhattanites are. Here's the thing about Seoul. It's not fucking Korea. Korea is getting pointed at in the streets like you're John Fucking Merrick. Korea is asking "uh-dee CGbuhwee" and getting "No English" back. Korea is eating the same 6 foods every day until dog becomes a viable alternative. Korea is fleeing to every nook and corner of the country on the weekend until the true nature of you confinement becomes despairingly clear. Korea is not arguing with a Nigerian over the price of a belt buckle. Korea is not not learning Korean "Because, like, everyone speaks English already, you know?" Korea is not never wondering if you've wandered into a mob bar and should wander back out again, nowish. Korea is not trying to decide between burritos, gyros, or Indian buffet. And I'm not bitching about my experience. Being a conspicuous, befuddled, completely alone foreigner for a year is how I managed to get through Russia sans getting stomped without knowing how to say even "hello" until I got off the plane. It would be nice to show how the other half lives. (Literally, as 23 of 48 million live rural, or as it's known in Korea: lruulrlrlurl) And seriously, Yes-the-DMZ-is-the-main-attraction, Yes-the-Korean-War-was-horrible. But standing on the line, pinching your face up and saying "This really makes you think you know? Really drives it home." should be punishable by bludgeoning with a fucking history book.

4. Soju is Satan's taint-sweat. It's gasoline in a bottle. Scratch that, it's watered-down, sugared-down gasoline in a bottle. It's an oily rag from becoming a molotov cocktail, and firebombing something with it is much more responsible behavior than actually drinking it. Tony-B couldn't say enough good stuff about it when the cameras were rolling (#1 again), but the whole next day of shooting, until the evening, could not shut up about how hungover he was. He wears a thumb ring and is sarcastic and makes constant mention of his bad-boy status, so I suppose he's something of a bad-boy, which means the average viewer chalks his ass-dragging up to his incessantly referenced hard partying lifestyle, but those of us who've had it know. Drinking Soju doesn't so much get you drunk as give you a minor stroke, though it can be hard to tell the difference until the next morning
4. a) God-Dammnit someone drink Baekseju on camera! That shit is great, just as strong, and it's not made by going to CVS and rebottling the rubbing alcohol. Now I know the idea is to "educate" people, but is anyone really educated by talking about kimchi and soju? If they don't know about it already, fuck 'em. It's time to cut the Sarah Palin's of the world loose. If they want to know what were talking about let 'em read a fucking book for once.

5. The Korean restauratuer's superstition, somewhat like that of baseball players on a streak, is that renovation is bad luck. A traditional Korean restaurant is wooden, chairless, and inexplicably always empty. If the toilet isn't a hole in the ground in an unattached building out back, you aren't eating in a Korean restaurant.

6. See 4.a) Fuck's sake people, let's start assuming some accumulated knowledge on the part of our audience. Anyone who hasn't at least heard of Kimchi, Bibimbap and Korean barbecue is probably not going to be watching a food show about Korea in the first place, n'est-ce pas? Koreans do have some wierd cool food, I bitched about the sameness of the cuisine because the good stuff is about five times as expensive as the regular shit. There are restaurants dedicated to tofu, octopus, deep sea monster fish, hell, Makkali places! Twelve bucks gets food and rice wine enough to make me feel good about having come to Korea. The food is never the same, i.e. Kim's Kitchen for those of you who've been there, and is always crazy. Piles of spiced up tofu, whole fried fish, pancakes PANCAKES holy shit the pancakes I almost forgot! Korean pancakes are awesome, and I have yet to see anyone eat one on TV. They're all too busy explaining to the putative 3-year-old mongoloids who are the audience of all television what kimchi is and how spicy it is.

7. Ok. There are Norae Bangs. There are DVD bangs. If you teleport when you get drunk as I do, you might find yourself in a video arcade or holding a replica AK, mid burst, in a shooting gallery. You probably won't though, because there are three things to do in Korea. Sing in a norae bang, screw your girlfriend in a DVD bang, and waste your whole life in a PC bang. I would love to meet the cinematographer on this show because I have not seen the word "PC" in any "Yep, we're in Asia alrighty" shot of buildings covered in the Korean moon man letters. There is a PC bang for every man woman and child in Korea and they are always packed. If you're good at mental math you've already gotten the joke, I'll wait here while the rest of you go back. Of course, that's only a slight exaggeration. Koreans love PC bangs as much as they love Kimchi, if not more, but you will never see the inside of one on TV because ten grown men sitting silently and chain smoking while they play WOW next to eight hyperactive kids on the same computer screaming about who gets to play the mariocart ripoff next is the most depressing thing on the planet earth, and several other planets besides.

8. This has more to do with this article than the show but oooooooohhhhhh GANG! Am I getting sick of this kind of shit! This is not travel writing. This is jerking off about how well traveled you are and how many wild places you've checked off your big list without bothering to stay long enough to learn anything about the place. This cumdumpster rattles on and on about shit that anyone who's visited Korea has already seen about ten minutes after getting off the plane, interspersed with free advertising for his dickhole friends' blogs. In the New York Fucking Times! These ballbags only get away with it because essentially no one's ever been to Korea. The equivalent would be "My buddy at www.newyorkfelcherabouttown.com invited me down to New York City, or as they call it: 'New York.' Imagine my surpise when we stop to eat - right there in the street! My friend bought me a "dirty water dog" from a man on a cart! I'm so fucking well traveled! Do I win? Have I won yet? Do I have more cred than anyone else?" Jump in the Han and, if your skin doesn't melt off first, drown. Anyone who's spent a year in Korea could pull a more interesting, funny, insightful article out of their ass in about five minutes on any random hungover morning than what passes for travel writing. I could probably do it, if I bothered to edit and didn't express myself mostly through harangues.

*This has nothing to do with the main topic, but I had to get it off my chest: can we round up all these people in some type of camp, or if that the word "camp" offends, jail? At what point do people lend you their credulity so that any sort of nonsense, ass-backward bullshit idea you come up with is taken as "outside the box thinking." These men are charlatans and assholes. Brooks simplifies everything to absurdity, Friedman makes up contrarian bullshit, and Rich is just an ass. Any "big" idea that attempts to lay out the forces shaping our world politically environmentally or economically in a simple enough format to become a bestseller and get your mustache on television is by definition pseudo-scientific middlebrow horseshit. The world isn't easy folks, and this half-wit doesn't have any answers.

Back to Normalcy

2008-12-12T14:56:00.000-08:00

Since none of the hijackers of this site are in Korea anymore, I decree this blog will go towards the mainstream of blogdom, i.e. ripped off content from other, funnier sites, in lieu of anything original and or interesting.

I've been enjoying these too much to not mention them, and I hope they continue long after the inauguration:

Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase

Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm

Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone

Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks

Bush's Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall

Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush

America's First Gay President Concludes Historic Second Term

Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush's Brain

Bush Dies Peacefully In His Sleep

Nothing quite like mean-spirited kicking a of man after he's been down for almost two years. The last decade wasn't a total waste, we'll always have Bush to kick around...

Revenge is a dish best served after you've practically forgotten all about it.

2008-12-02T12:11:00.000-08:00

Oh yea, my boss back in Korea was a shitbag. Almost slipped my mind. I've intended to put some mean stuff up on the internet about those dickholes for a while now, and I procrastinated so long I almost forgave and forgot. What a nightmare that would have been. Anyway this isn't going to be funny, it's just so that if anyone is thinking about going to work there and googles "Iksan YMCA" like I did lo those many months ago they'll actually have something to go on. The place isn't on black- or graylists because only because no one updates those anymore, so this is a public service, sort of like how we raised the word dykepile to prominance in google searches.

First off. Iksan is a small, economically depressed town in North Jeolla which is frankly a bit of a backwater province. This has a lot to do with Koreans' own internal prejudices about the place and its people instead of something intrinsically wrong with the folks, but just be aware that if your recruiter tells you that it is a bustling city of 300 thousand people a short trip from Seoul, it is not. All true Korean cities are enormous, if there aren't over a million people, it's really more of a town than a city. It's also 2 hours and a half from Seoul. By bullet train (KTX). It is reasonably close to Jeonju, a fun town, and as one of the few foreigners in Iksan, you'll be given a lot of license to act like an ass with no consequences, as the people won't know what to do with you. It was also originally named Iri, but was consolidated with a bunch of tiny towns and villages and renamed. The population of the city proper is around 150 thousand.

Secondly. The nominal head of the YMCA, Mr. Lee, is a kleptomaniac in the clinical sense of the word. He can't be near someone else's money without taking a piece for himself. He tried every scam in the book, amateurishly, and almost landed himself and his wife in prison over it. However, since Koreans hate causing embarassment, and nothing is more embarassing than being called a thief and sent to jail, the authorities seem content to give him a do-over every time he sends his round-eyes packing and brings in a fresh set.

He started by deducting everyone double the official income tax rate, and pocketing the difference, essentially skimming 3% off everyone's paycheck. Since Iksan is a small pond and he is a relatively big fish, we could get no help from the local tax office, and eventually had to take our case to Seoul. When he got a call from the national tax office, he began lying like crazy, telling them a) he wasn't deducting extra from our paycheck, although everyone had the stubs to prove he was, b) claimed he had already given the money back, which obviously was seen through in about the amount of time it took the words to get out of his mouth, and that c) he was going to give the money back, which he did, after telling me I was fired for calling the authorities on him. I told him to Ja-Di-Ga, in so many words, and that was that.

Next he had us work three weeks of unpaid overtime, to the tune of four thousand dollars a head. Negotiations over THAT took us until the end of the contract. Long story short, the teachers had neither the ability nor the spine to present a unified front, half the teachers gave up and got nothing, half of the teachers caved for two hundred dollars, and I was able to shake him down for a cool nine hundred for myself.

After that we learned that he wasn't paying into our pension fund. The first three months he paid in nothing, and following that, he paid in whatever he felt like, for whoever he felt like. Some people would have nothing put into their account one month, the full amount the next, and a fraction the month after, while others who were making the same wage had completely different contributions each month. Despite the brazenness with which he did this, we had to bring it to the attention of the Pension office that our salaries weren't going through perfectly normal wild fluctuations from two thousand to zero every month, we were being embezzeled upon (from? at? towards?) This is what nearly landed him in jail. Funny thing is, he did the same thing to a pair of teachers the year before, except one was ethnically Korean, spoke the language, knew the customs, and was as sick of his shit as I was. She and her boyfriend got their money paid them plus damages, all we got was our own money back.

Finally, he announced that through an unforseen scheduling conflict every Western teacher noticed the first week, we'd have to go home a few weeks early. We all needed a change so we happily accepted, but what the YMCA didn't tell us is that Korean law only obliges an employer to pay you your year end bonus if you work 365 days exactly. The plan was to "pro-rate" our bonuses, but word leaked before zero hour, and with two thousand dollars on the line most of the teachers were able to locate their balls. we got our money and got out.

Third. No one is interested in helping you. As you may have noticed, none of the local authorities have the wits or the will to stop him, and you have to be doing their job as well as yours. If you are a weygook, you aren't really a person. He had to pay a fine for stealing from a teacher who looked and spoke like a Korean, but he was only told to give the money back when he took from us. The Korean liasons at the YMCA are terrified of losing their job, which in that country, and especially that area is a big deal, and Koreans are very averse to conflict. This means that the liasons will not pass along "troubling" messages to the boss, lie to your face about the YMCA's aims and actions, and even in one instance, spy on you to curry favor with management, even if they are also being stolen from. As for the fellow teachers,

Fourth. You will be working with the biggest bunch of twats, lunkheads and deviants you've ever seen in one place. Anyone can do this job, and anyone does, including some nasty wierdos. One of the teachers found himself in some serious trouble when he was caught teaching adjectives by rating the girls looks and showing them pictures of bikini models. The fourteen year old girls. He followed that up by cursing out a schoolboy, which is a HUGE deal in an Asian, respect based country. He'd been giving everyone the heebie-jeebies for while, and as this happened about two weeks into the first time we'd been actually monitored the questions of what he did for an entire semester when no one was looking were even more uncomfortable. To wrap the story up, he was not fired because it would have been inconvenient to fill his place on short notice.

The Iksan YMCA: Perverts, kleptos, and doormats. I'm sure it's similar in many schools in South Korea, and anywhere you go you'd be rolling the dice on ending up in a situation just like this one, but this one is a sure bet for bullshit and headaches.

The lessons to take away form this is: Mr. Lee will steal from you any way he can. When you ask for your money back he will plead poverty, play childish interpretation games with your contract or out and out threaten you with firing. No one is interested in coming to your aid, and since I imagine that we will soon be the internet's premier search result for both "Iksan" and 6 girl prepubescent dykepile anecdotes, you can bet your ass you'll have to deal with more creeps than we did. Good Luck!

A brief primer in Capitalism, for my dear friends, the Russians

2008-11-02T17:47:00.001-08:00

Russians are the friendliest most outgoing people, in well, Russia. At least top 5 most. Anyway, that all changes when they sit across a counter from you. There's only one person in the world more infuriatingly bad at her job, and she works the Japan Railpass counter at the Busan international Ferry Terminal, but the poor girl can't help herself, she was kicked in the head by a horse. Number one cause of death in Korea, getting kicked in the head by horses. The Silent Killer. Anyway, you get the feeling that the Russians are as bad as they are because they hate you, specifically. The inability to get anything you need from them is only made worse, or better depending on your point of view, by the fact that they look so damn miserable that there's nothing you could do, in their view, to make their shitty life any worse. Which means you can't take vengance, because it's already been taken, by life. Kindof a "Do you see the glass half full or empty?" kinda thing. I personally see a young lady, but if I squint just right, it's a candlestick. But one reason its so hard to get anything from them is they seem to have literally forgotten how to buy and sell things in their seventy year experiment with the kind of shitty ideas people grow out of sophomore year of College. I've decided to write this up in the interest of public education.

Rule #1 If you don't have what I asked for, you don't have what I want.
Pretty elementary. If someone shows up at your kiosk on an island in the Neva river not sure whether I'll die of windburn or frostbite first, and asks for a bunch of fried pierogies, a cold apple Danish is not an acceptable substitute. Nor is a precooked, prepackaged hamburger you pulled out of the fridge. Tangent: Precooked, prepackaged hamburgers are unacceptable substitutes for everything, including death by starvation. If your job is selling shit, and you didn't bring shit to sell, you aren't doing your job. When I don't want to to my job I call in sick and play XBox all day, but different strokes.

Rule #2 Money, like friends, comes in all shapes, sizes and colors.
One of the many ways money is just as good as friends. The only people who get away with demanding exact change are busdrivers. And not always either (see: Korea and Estonia, thanks guys) When you sell something for the equivalent of 87 cents, people will probably pay with a $1.00 bill. Bringing nothing but fives is a very bad idea. Not only will you not be able to sell any of your food, but when you get all pissed off because you've already heated it, and now who the fuck is going to pay, the foreigner will laugh in your face. Incidentally, the Russian word for Ajumma is Babushka. I don't know why certain countries turn women into retarded, hateful quasi humans by 50 but there it is.

Rule #3 Watch Swingers. Sometimes you gotta give 'em the shit for free.
Yea, capitalism is about buying and selling, but for God's sake, certain things in life you don't charge for. Air's free, and so are misdemeanor crimes like jaywalking and public drunkenness, as long as enough people are committing them along with you. So where the fuck to you people get off charging for bathrooms? I'm not just talking to Russia here. All you Euros* are on the hook for this one. Dickens was like 200 years ago, its time to get serious. If you have to burn 25% of the world's gas to pull your car over whenever you need to piss and not have to dig around for change, then so be it. That's civilization. At least no one over here's dad puts food on the table ten piss-cents at a time. You even have to pay if if you're already paying for something else, like in a restaurant or train station. The absolute worst was this train station in Poland. There was actually a list of different prices for the "services" they provide, from the sink you can shave in, to the sink you can wash up in, to the sink you can brush your teeth in, to the toilet, oh fuck it you get the idea. They also had one roll of toilet paper, at the front desk. So not only are you put in the position of saying to a stranger "I need to poop please," you actually have to give him/her a rough estimate of how messy it's going to be. I just yanked at that thing like I was gonna play Mummy in there. Fuck him.

*In the interest of fairness the country with the best handle on this is Korea. In America, you often have to be a patron or sneaky to use a bathroom in a business. In Korea, you can walk in anywhere at all like literally just wander into a bank, and there's a public restroom where no one hassles you. It's pretty cool.

Laugh at ME will you?

2008-08-14T20:43:00.000-07:00

This is in case I don't have your email address, but you talk to people who do, and might get all offended you were off the list. Get off my back already!

So, a lot of you have been bugging me for another funny email, sorry it's taken so long, but I've been pretty busy lately. If I haven't been calling various law enforcement agencies on my boss, shaking him down for hush money, or vandalizing his offices, I've been sorting through my every material possession trying to make a backpack sized lump of the most vital stuff, and deciding whether any of the rest is worth its weight in outrageous shipping costs.

Anyway, despite my boss' nearly constant fuckering*, I have managed to have some fun/adventures/what have you.

Went to Japan in late July, and like, whoa. It's like, if everyone in Korea sobered the fuck up, gained about 20 IQ points, bothered to learn anything at all about the world around them, stopped living like they're just waiting to die, put on some damn makeup, and took a God damned driving lesson already!

Part One: The Landscape, oh my God, the Landscape!

Most people don't care to know this, but there was a war here fifty years ago. Of course that's what the memorial plaques say. Looking at the place, I would have placed it about 4:50pm last Tuesday. Every animal larger or less elusive than an alley cat has been rounded up and exterminated either for food or to be ground up into hard-on powder. There is literally no wildlife. A bird was singing from a rooftop yesterday. That's rare enough to warrant comment. Homes are built as though for refugees. Four story concrete boxes with no ventilation or insulation are thrown up in a month, by workers who don't know enough to put in earplugs to work a jack hammer, not lift a palette of bricks with their lower back, or avoid light switches when painting, and then are torn down a year and a half later, when what amount to damp, sweltering caves built by idiots for some reason become unliveably foul, mouldering, crumbly hovels. The flora is a bunch of straggly pines, never more than 30 feet high, never wider than two feet in diameter, most usually held up by ropes because they'd been transplanted within the last year because Koreans believe in something called Geomancy. I'll let you look that nonsense up, I couldn't do it justice. Let's just say the man they elected in a landslide in December had his family's corpses exhumed and reburied in a "luckier" spot to help his chances in the election. Everyone knew this and no one cared, and then acted surprised when he turned out to be a complete twit. What I'm trying to say is there's no place in this country that hasn't been fucked with, at least not for the better.

Japan, on the other hand, was not only bombed flat but nuked twice, and besides the ruins of the A-bomb Dome in Hiroshima, I'd have been hard pressed to find any evidence. The landscape is beautiful, the farms have variety, not just endless plains of one crop for miles, countryside houses look like Asian versions of Amish country and the cities have buildings with angles both obtuse and acute! Imagine! We climbed Fuji, and I've already gone off on what a nightmare mountaineering is in Korea, so I'll just say that everyone was unfailingly, infuriatingly polite (We never successfully yielded right of way. Some how they can spot a courtesy from twenty paces and beat you to the punch every time.), while there was litter, people cared enough to chuck it into inaccessible and hard to see parts of the mountain, instead of just dropping it anywhere, and the drive to the trailhead went through some of the nicest, lushest, most diverse forest I've seen since leaving Appalachia behind almost a year ago now. (Correction: -temperate forest- Thailand and Laos were pretty nice too) It was restorative being in a place where the biggest douchebags were Americans, as God intended.

I guess Buddhists are way better at meditating than anyone else, because their temples are nowhere near as relaxing as a Shinto shrine. We went to one on an island in Hiroshima, and it beat the ever-loving buhjeezus out of any Buddhist temple I've ever been in for being a calming, meditative place to just wander around and wish I hadn't left my frigging camera on a bus to Jeonju two months previously on my way to what had been described by Koreans as a "Cherry blossom festival" which turned out to be the equivalent of a local fire company's shitty summer carnival, without the rides or funnel cakes, and a lot more reeking pots of boiling bugs. So equanimity's not my thing, so what, wanna fight about it?

The cities were really nice; expensive, but the quality of everything was so much better than in Korea you hardly cared. We ate mostly out of 7-11's and I think I was better nourished on my fish-rice ball/fruit juice/bread and cheese/Mystery Box Prize diet than I've been since I left Bangkok in February. I should explain here that if you spent more than 700 yen in one go in a 7-11 you got to reach into a box and pull out a coupon to get something in the store for free. There's a minors box with candy, coffee, etc. and an 18+ box which I generally frequented. Among other things I got an object lesson in ignorance being bliss, when having learned to read Japanese meant that the label on the "health drink" I was given told me I had just downed, among other things, 3mg of "neekohteenoo". I don't smoke. Also I got a can of "Can" brand drink, which was basically a can of straight vodka someone had squeezed about four whole lemons into. After "Can" we were pretty well scared straight. As for accommodations, we slept everywhere from internet cafes (very nice) to pod hotels (very cool, but noisy, and kinda gay) to public art (surprisingly comfortable, and cops are too polite to roust you) to a love motel. Love motels in Korea are concrete boxes where you get one dingy room for extremely cheap to be used for... (imagine slapping the side of one fist with the palm of the other hand, that's been my favorite description so far, from the desk staff no less) if you're Koran, or just flopping if you're a Westerner. In Japan, they look a set from You Only Live Twice. The room had a sunken zen rock garden, above which the living room was suspended on comfy bamboo mats, the bedroom had an enormous, laundered, king size bed, there was a bathroom for brushing your teeth, one for the toilet, and one for the shower, a minibar stocked with seriously good booze easily stolen enough to be essentially free, and a TV with the most emotionally scarring porn I've ever seen in my life. It only cost around twice what you'd pay in Korea. And while we're on the subject of quality, the sushi was frigging amazing. We decided to wait until Tokyo, to go to Tsukiji Fish Market to have any, and God what a good decision that was. The equivalent of $40 bucks got you, fresh from the docks twenty feet away, three slices of sashimi, a tuna roll, 11 pieces of the most delicious, fresh (in one case still alive) frigging fish that ever existed, and great sake to wash it down with. Best meal I've ever had, and I've been to Italy and Thailand.

Part Two: The Women, oh my God, the Women!

My main beef with Korean women is that if they hatched out of effing pods they couldn't be any more conformist. In the summer time everyone wears big baggy tshirts covered in atrocious Engrish, (i.e. "The God of Surfing has gotten off inside of me" - I'd sell my firstborn to Rumplestiltskin for that friggin' thing) and tiny little booty shorts (Great for the first week or so, then you become that tribesman from National Geographic - surrounded by topless women but, you know, so what?) In the wintertime, ridiculously long hoodies that go down to the knees (think garbage bag), the same damn booty shorts, and long socks and fuzzy underwear - to keep warm, obviously. Add in the hairstyles, all one of them, and the fact that they act like retarded 4 year olds because all Asian men are secretly beastiality-ophiles who don't want a woman so much as a dog with unthinking loyalty so you don't have to worry about being cheated on when you go out to fuck hookers, and no introspection so they don't raise hell about what bullshit it all is, and you have an entire nation of women doing their best to look like everyone else. Or to put it another way, average.

That is emphatically -not- a problem in Japan. Some of the women barely even look human; it's too bad "Star Wars Cantina" is an overused metaphor, because it's so damn on the nose in this case. About ten minutes after getting off the train in Tokyo, we learned how to spot hookers - first, go to where all the girls with two foot high blonde beehives, three inch long bead-azzled fingernails, three postage stamps worth of clothing, and six inch clear plastic stilletto heels hang out, then look for the mousy chicks dressed in sensible clothes. Ironically the only way for a girl to stand out in that city at night is to dress like she's going to a job interview. Obviously it's not all broads dressed like hookers and hookers you could take to your cousin's wedding, there's a healthy cross section of just about any other fad you can imagine taken to its logical extreme, from punks, to hippies, to a rumored Shinjuku rockabilly enclave we never did find. However freaky your alley there are a ton of Japanese way further up it than you would think possible. Which is the third thing I really dug about Japan.

Part Three: The... Giving a Shit? Oh my God the giving a shit!
"In Korea, it's everyone's first day and last day, everyday." I've been thrown out of a MacDonald's for serving myself after the counter woman couldn't get her shit together within ten minutes. My pal Mike has been reduced to a trembling mess trying to get his morning coffee fix at a Dunkin' Donuts while three girls try to figure out how to work the machine (Pour into filter, put filter in machine, press big red button) and ignore his instructions shouted at them - in Korean. We've fucked over a cabby by asking for an hour and a half long ride to our city on Sunday night and negotiating on a price, without him actually knowing where we were asking him to go. You should have seen his face when he asked another cabby at a red how to get there, the fare didn't even cover tolls. Basically, all Koreans go about their lives as if it's their first and last day on the job. Incompetence, combined with an utter lack of interest in learning to do any better, and not just in their work, in pretty much every aspect of their lives. I've had kids freak out over my Ipod, "80 Giga! Much music!" and then only listen to Old Beatles. I've tried playing them Sgt. Peppers, and no kid has yet sat through the entire first song. I had a "Music Appreciation class" with my gifted students, where I played punk, rock, rap, pop, blues, psychedelia, reggae, and country. Of about 25, I got one kid to admit he enjoyed Aesop Rock, one kid wanted to know where he could download Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, and one girl actually argued with the rest of the class when they hated on Drive-By Truckers. I felt like kidnapping her and smuggling her out of the country, it's gonna be a damn shame when she hits 9th grade and becomes an insufferable ditz whose dream job is "stewardess".

The first night we spent in Tokyo we went looking for record stores. The second night we realized we are retards, because they are EVERYWHERE. The first we went into had a handbook listing the location of every record store in Japan. There were 11 within three blocks of where we were. Anyway we ended up in stores where the proprietor only dealt in Reggae, Ska, Rocksteady, etc. and had original pressings of Toots and the Maytals, Bob Marley and the Wailing Wailers, and Reggaeton music that didn't make you want twist a rusty corkscrew into your ears, Jazz places with original pressings by James Brown, Miles Davis, some of which cost over $4000, Punk, Classic Rock, you name it. And the only connecting thread was every one of these guys actually cared about what they were doing, could talk confidently and knowledgeably about every album in the store, and was actually eager to listen to your music, even if it wasn't in their little genre slice. Even the corporations know people there aren't into screwing around. We went to a Tower Records, and I ended up in the bookshop, and except for the obligatory Dan Brown, I don't think I saw a single book that wouldn't be intensely interesting to read. They bothered to get the English on their shirts right for God's Sake! Old women are tastefully dressed, polite, and walk erect, rather than miserable, squat gorillas with hideous L-shaped backs from years of carrying everything on their bottom two vertebrae!

So in summation, Japan is a very cool place that if you have several million dollars of disposable income, could be the best place to just hang around in and Korea blows goats, or would if there were any left. Anyway, soon I'll be gone and on to a succession of better places. I've put this out there a bunch of times, but I'll be going through Russia, Eastern Europe, Turkey, Greece, and maybe onwards if there's time and money left during September and October. Anybody has any free time and interest in meeting up or vacations already planned lemme know, I'll see what I can do about meeting up with you. Otherwise I'll catch up with Thanksgiving-ish. This will also very likely be the last email, funny or otherwise until then.

Annyonghi-Kaseyo!
Byrne

*fuckering - verb, to act in a manner consistent with that of a total fucker

Getting Pith Everywhere

2008-07-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

Since I'm apparently incapable of speaking at any length of time about Korea without it becoming a racist tirade, I'll be trying to put up the two or three witty bon mots that make me think "Now this is a good topic for the blog" but without any editorializing or context:

Me: Would you say Koreans are worse at thinking things through, or at being blonde?
Mike: Oh, um. Wow...

Today is the Dutch Payday of my Discontent

2008-06-09T07:25:00.000-07:00

So I think I might have some trouble readjusting to America. Judging people and mocking them has become such a reflex that I might literally be losing my sense of humor. I was walking today and saw a Korean, wearing a T-shirt, with English words. And I was well into my "seriously dumbass, check a dictionary and get the spelling right for once" inner monologue when I realized it was a fucking pun. That worked.

Only in Korea can a man walk down the street hand in hand with his girl, wearing a shirt that says "Ripped for her pleasure", and be considered a man of taste and discernment. Well done guy.

Chicken Soup for the Seoul

2008-05-07T03:12:00.000-07:00

So today in class we were playing a game in which the first five students to plow though the avalanche of busywork I set up for them received a prize, namely, one piece of candy from the 7/11 on the way to work. Unfortunately, Korean child's tendency to doing all work in a huge group to minimize the actual doing of said work, and the general Korean tendency to never think more than one step ahead, meant that I regularly had kids working in teams of up to 10, for a possible five prizes.

This resulted in the last member of the winning six-girl team to my desk freaking out because of my inability to undermine the very warp and woof of reality and make 6 less than or equal to 5 so that she could get a shitty piece of convenience store candy.

Fortunately, this chick's mom didn't raise no fool, and she quickly figured out a workaround. The workaround? Jumping the other girls as they ate their candy and trying to suck it out of their mouths. Naturally. Of course, there being no gay in Korea, the other girls were less than enthused. They expressed this by spanking the shit out of her and mauling her boobs. May I remind everyone, there is No Gay In Korea.

This is happening about 3 feet from the teacher's desk, myself and Korean Teacher who typifies Korean discipline. Ol' Tight Ship, as I've just this very second taken to calling her, completely ignores the writhing, screaming dykepile on the floor, leaving it to me to handle the situation.

I spend an excruciatingly long second trying to figure out a way of phrasing "Ladies, please stop slapping that girl's ass and squeezing her tits, I have a goddamn lesson on word order here!" in a way that 13-14 year old girls who speak approximately eight words of English can understand, as I am not getting my hands anywhere near this, and decide I can't even acknowledge this is happening without feeling like a total perv.

As I headed into the far corner of the boy's side of the room to get away from that fucking deportation waiting to happen, I notice that most of these frigging clowns can't even be bothered to look up from their games of Kai-Bai-Bo, Jacks, or Beat the Shit Out of Someone Smaller Than You.

I was initially going to talk about how incredulous I was that an eighth grade boy of any nationality would rather play rock paper scissors than watch a third of the females in class have more sex with each other in the middle of 8th period than most of these 'tards have managed in their imaginations, but then I had an epiphany. If that's how oblivious these people can be, there's not really any complaining about the driving, the food, the attention, or lack thereof, in class, anything. It's a wonder they even manage to get their pants on in the first try.

Ben Stein, What Sick Game Are You Playing?

2008-04-29T01:11:00.000-07:00

So maybe you've heard of Richard Nixon? Intelligent Design? The Home Mortgage Crisis?

Well Ben Stein has. When he used to spout about Nixon on his game show, I thought that he was a delusional Republican, no big deal.

Then he came out with an ID movie which has been described as "a classic bait-and-switch, presenting itself as a plea for freedom in the scientific marketplace of ideas, while actually delivering a grossly unfair, contradictory, and ultimately repugnant attack on Darwinists, " in which "he strides proudly over the last line of decency in contemporary documentary filmmaking." Ok, whatever, we all have our off days.

Then this: A recent appearance on CBS's Sunday morning that got this review.

A brief word about CBS Sunday Morning: While it is obvious that this network's coverage and presentation of current events is geared toward old people, the target audience of Charles Osgood's show seems to be already dead—peacefully so. There was, last time around, some tranquil nature footage. Also, a profile of crooner Michael Bublé that refused to stint on clichés. ("The other thing Bublé won't change, he says, is being himself, outspoken and open.") Ben Stein, the actor and economist, came on to do a commentary on the mortgage crisis in which he argued that federal funds should be devoted to aiding the dogs and cats disadvantaged by the fallout. Either this was exquisitely subtle satire, or everyone involved with the segment has lost his mind.

I watched this at work the first time, and had to fight laughter so hard I literally cried tears. These guys are right; Stein is either fucking certifiable, or has been working this whole time to gather the forces of the right around him to drive them all screaming off a cliff of absurdity.

I submit the question: Ben Stein, Sociopath or Genius?

It's late and I'm too tired to think of a title

2008-04-29T01:04:00.000-07:00

Now that I've surmounted the most important (or only important) (or only)hurdles in my life this year, I find myself with quite a bit more drinking/screed writing time on my hands. Which means I will be drinking and writing assorted screeds with a bit more redundancy, frequency, intensity and redundancy. And hijacking Freshman's mouthpiece to do it, because it's much more satisfying and enjoyable to fuck with someone else's shit than express yourself creatively on your own terms.

During a cooking related class last week, I asked the kids to tell me the words they knew related to cooking, and surprisingly, almost always got "Fuse" first. After my usual "Are you fucking with me, and if not, have you any idea what the hell you're even talking about?" first class on Monday three second pause, I realized that they meant what goes on in the kitchens of the Fusion restaurants.

Koreans, much like all Asians whose cultures don't consider weed and shrooms essential foodgroups, are bound by tradition in much the same way Hannibal Lecter was bound to that handcart. I once tried to get a smoothie consisting of more than one fruit form my local pizza shop. This took three weeks, multiple visits, offers of triple the regular smoothie price, and a small but crack team of interpreters assembled painstakingly from the best of the best of whichever of my dullard students happened to be hanging out on the corner when we rolled up. If you'd seen the counter girl's face right before she hit blend you'd have thought she was clinging to the underside of a bus doing 50.5 mph and I told her to cut the blue wire. "They're all blue wires!" So yea, a little hesitant to step out of the box.

Most traditional Korean restaurants have about three different dishes: Korean Barbeque, Soup, and BibimBap. Korean barbecue consists of giving you some raw meat which you put on a grill and cook yourself however you see fit, as long as it is one of the "proper" ways to cook food that you're fucking paying for. If that last bit seems confusing, don't worry, the ugliest old lady you've ever seen will be around to scold you, cut your meat for you, and pour Kimchi and meat grease all over the fried rice you were planning to eat. The soup is made by placing the entire, unboned, uncleaned and/or unscaled animal in a pot of water, maybe adding spices, and boiling. Bibimbap is a bowl of white rice with an egg, greens, carrots and spicy soybean paste on top that you mix together. Apparently "seasoning white rice" is considered cuisine, and the local state capital claims not only to serve better boiled white rice with toppings available off the shelf of your local grocery store than anyone else, but to be the birthplace of this dish, which is sort of like claiming you invented buttered bread and then resting on your laurels for two millenia.

So essentially we're dealing with a culture with a less of a clue than the British how to make food taste like it, and the mercurial mental nimbleness of a three legged rhino. But they do have one thing working in their favor, an almost achingly pathetic desire to be American, from hoodies for little girls with English phrases like "Today is Dutch Payday" or "Love Sluts. Enhance Your Life" plastered on them, to a love bordering on worship for such luminaries as Paris Hilton and Triple H. Enter the Fusion Restaurant

Korea's lousy with these places which serve you Kimchi Pizza or funky milk soup or some other abomination which, I guess I would take over some of the straight-up Korean stuff that's been put in front of me so far. I used to hate these joints, but now I think they're a vital part of Korea learning to embrace "strong flavors" (ask Mike). Kids today grow up eating Kimchi Pizza, while their crotchety (literally the only kind of old lady out here) grandmothers look the other way, because at least the young'uns are still eating Kimchi on everydamnthing! And in ten years, once the old folks are safely in the ground, the country can take another baby step, such as taking the bones and intestines out of whatever they eat before they eat it. And so on until the peninsula's rehabilitated enough to reenter gastronomic society.

Fusion restaurants - Food Methadone. Think about it.

Buhlessingsuh. Counteduh. Part Dul.

2008-04-22T02:28:00.000-07:00

Because Mike is oh so regrettably derelict in his his use of the sign-out button on certain computers, you will all now be subjected to the musings of Ravishin' Dan, Korea's most eligible bachelor

I am fucking bulletproof, and you can be too! Is it because Korean bosses are slimy little quats too stupid not to hand you a paper trail outlining in fine detail the particulars of their embezzlement? Well, yes, partly. But it is also because Korean women, vastly overrepresented in Korean education, have been down so long, they don't know what up, or in this case the most perfunctory courtesy, is.

My manners might generously be called boorish, assuming you define generous as donating 75% of your paycheck to charity and sleeping on a futon with your 12 adopted crack babies because you're letting syphilitic bums crash in all the bedrooms. Just till they get this thing together. Pouring my dinner out of the pot into some kind of bowl or plate is a nicety reserved for company, I rarely speak in a voice below a sotto bellow, and my preferred mode of letting off steam is insulting the intelligence, ancestry, and/or native country of strangers. And yet, compared to your average Korean gent, I'm the closest thing to James Bond these poor broads are ever going to encounter.

I think enough weygooks read this blog that my back is got here. You practically have to grab your average agashi by the hair and pitch bodily her through any door you try holding for her. I can always put a smile on my face by holding the teacher's room door open on the way out for a female teacher who's about 20-25 feet away. She has somewhere to go, so she can't politely refuse to pass and stand there until I give up, so the only thing to do is get through the door as fast as possible, which is of course impossible in the slippers we all have to wear indoors. They're left with what I can only imagine to be an agonizing half minute of speed-shuffling, eyes fixed firmly on the ground, blushing and giggling as though I've thrown my coat onto a mud puddle so her feet won't get wet as I help her onto the white stallion upon which she'll be whisked off to her third period ethics class. I think with a very basic grasp of the language you could make some serious bank as a Harlequin style romance writer over here. "...and the foreigner gazed at her with his extremely, unnervingly, not-brown eyes and swore from the bottom of his heart that he would love her until she got ugly, and would only get blitzed and bang whores on weekends. Her bosom's heaving was such that it seemed no bra, no matter how padded, could contain it!"

So anyway, three paragraphs later here we are, at the main thrust of the post. It was a long hard slog, some of you were there from the start, some of you might not have been born when it began, and the rest are now dead. But by God, there's no looking back and we're all better people for it. Here goes: It doesn't matter whether I show up late, hungover, or not at all, the teachers love my ass. I'm like a teflon Elliot Ness! How have I built up this good will? By being a reasonable human being, and assuring my teachers in our conversation classes that no, I don't think I would have a problem drinking or gambling all my money away, Angela's Ashes style, without having my wife hoard it and dole out an allowance, and no, now that you mention it, I kinda do like cooking, and were my back is completely against the wall, I could be convinced to clean

I've brought in homemade chocolate chip cookies, almost out of spite, to shame them into ending the forcefeeding of gloopy unsweetened rice "treats" I endure thrice weekly or thereabouts, with a "Look here you, this is a goddamn confection. You must feel like a dick now, eh?" moment. I don't think they're well schooled on the subtleties of contempt via pastry, but they were suitably awed. I honestly had to show one teacher where two cookies had fused together and then been broken apart to convince him that no, these are not fucking Chic Choc, human hands can craft cookies. Of course, if Zeus learns I let the secret out, I'm in for some shit.

I've always wondered about how so many foreigners, especially some of them, end up with the Korean wives they do, in a culture in which mongrel and biracial are more or less synonyms. I guess it's like being proposed to by a dashing aristocrat, who also happens to have a vestigial tail and a heart murmur. Kids'll get a pretty shitty end of the stick, but hey, he pulled my seat out at Mr. Pizza!

Warry, Warry, Wah Wah Wah! Where's My Pencil Case?

2008-04-21T23:58:00.000-07:00

That is actually the majority of a song that I have to sing with fifth grade kids. Every class, someone asks me what "Warry, Warry, Wah Wah Wah!" means. It's a legitimate question, as it's said almost ten times in a forty-five second song. No one ever seems satisfied with the "it means nothing" answer. When asked why it's in the song, I have the urge to yell something like "I didn't write the goddamn textbook, and if I had my druthers, we'd burn the motherfucker right here and now!"

But instead I just hit play again and think about what time it's okay to start drinking on a Tuesday. In an unrelated note, I just accidentally bought a kilogram of chicken when the recipe only calls for one pound. Chicken Vindaloo, if anyone cares. So, if you live in Jeonbuk and need 500 grams of chicken in the next twenty-four hours, you can holla. ANYWAYS, I brought up the Warry song to introduce the little ditty below. I have no idea who these guys are, but I find it's balance of Lazy Sunday-ness and Korean English Teacher-ness to be pleasing to my mind grapes. Also, I'm curious if this has any meaning to anyone outside of Korea.

Without further ado, on a very special Tuesday post, here is "Kickin' it in Geumcheon":

Oh My God! We're Having a Fire ..... Festival!

2008-04-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

Sweet kimchi Jesus, it's been a long time since I've updated this. This has something to do with the fact that I do not own a functioning computer and Blogger is one of three sites that the Jeonbuk Education safe-search fuckgram actually blocks. The other two? The New Yorker and SportsbyBrooks. You figure that out.
There are a couple noteworthy things that I've experienced, but most don't warrant their own post, so we'll dispose of them right now: I've had the best meal I've had the entire time I've been in Korea (a sultry wench that goes by the name Dakdori Tang), witnessed the Rev. Kilimanjaro's triumphant victory over his nemesis, the evil, thieving, and above all Korean, Ten-Dollar, and been considerably creeped out by this website.

Somewhere in there (and pretending to work, no less!) I found time to attend my first K-League soccer game, which our beloved hometown Jeonbuk Hyundai Motors lost 3-0 to the buggering infidels of Daegu FC, due in large part to the fat Brazilian fuck that can be found on the lower right of this page. I speak in all honesty when I say I wish this man was dead. His entire game appears to be falling down and yelling at the refs, which is funny, because THEY'RE FUCKING KOREAN. I may have been drunk by the time he got in the game, and yes, I was drunk by the time he got in the game, but I have never seen a lazier person ever. Despite the number of crosses aimed his way, he never jumped. On the other hand, the sex machine found directly above him on the same page is a Macedonian so badass that the Korean translation of his name is "Stevo." I've always wondered how Koreans would handle one of those eastern European names with a severe dearth of vowels, and the answer is apparently "catastrophically," since when said out loud, it sounds like this: "Suh-Tee-Bo."

So this brings us to the subject of today's post, Yeosan Elementary's ever-exciting "fire festival." It has a simpler, less awesome name, but that was the way it was described to me at first, and I accepted it until I learned it's true meaning during my second class, which every other week would have been my third class. Confusing? Damn skippy, so let's start at the beginning.

On my typical Thursday, I arrive at school a little before nine and slightly more disoriented, as Wednesday is poker night so I don't get to sleep before one. This particular Thursday, I was upon arrival that there was a "fire festival" and that my classes would be rearranged to accomodate it. Normally I have the first class off to dick around on the internet (not, however, on Blogger) and I start teaching at 9:50. Today I was informed that I would teach classes 1,2 and 3 rather than 2, 3 and 4. This was pitched as a positive thing, as I would finish earlier. Although this is true, it is also true that Yeosan is forty-five minutes outside of town and the bus doesn't leave until after lunch, so I would get home at the same time anyway. Anyways, this is beside the point.

Here's where it gets confusing again, my third class would be moved to the first time block, the second to the third and the third to the second. Furthermore, the third class (which is now in the first time block) would not have English class today, as they would need the first time block to prepare for the increasingly-awesome sounding "fire festival." I am actually simplifying the way this was explained to me at 8:40 this morning. I personally would have said it this way: "...." That is, I would have said NOTHING because all that happened was they switched two classes for no sane fucking reason and I would never have noticed anyway! Did I mention this is the same school where the kids taekwondoe the shit out of each other between every class? And someone always, ALWAYS, hurts themselves and the teachers berate the poor bastard who got kicked in the face while everyone points and laughs at him? All I'm saying is they're running a top-notch organization out there. Every goddamn day.

So, my second class rolls around and I'm informed that the "fire festival" will start at 11:00. Some guy is building a pile of firewood and underbrush about ten feet in front of the school's entrance. Needless to say, I'm excited and contemplating how I can accidentally help a kid or two into the raging (dare I say towering?
) inferno.

Then I found out it was a fire drill.

Let that sink in, and then go back and re-read the section about how everyone had class off for the first period so that they could practice. For a drill.

Of course, we couldn't pretend to run while crouching awkwardly and covering our mouths without a real fire, so the principal took it upon himself to light the aforementioned pile of flammable material to give the whole production that little je ne se qua that your average, run-of-the-mill fire drill usually lacks. We then sat in lines outside while the vice principal stood behind the fire, shouting into a bullhorn. She would continue in this manner for the next twenty minutes while the following things transpired:

1. A pair of teachers attempt to put out the blaze with fire extinguishers but fail miserably.

2. A tiny fireman almost gets lifted off the ground, Little Rascals-style, while wrangling with a fire hose as he finishes off the flames.

3. Another teacher and a fifth-grade boy sprint into the school carrying a stretcher. When they come out, they've strapped a little girl to it, who they then load into the ambulance that came along with the fire truck. The ambulance drives, sirens blaring, about thirty feet. The girl gets out and carries the stretcher back to the podium. Just like in real life.

Afterwards, the principal, grinning happily from ear to ear, asked me if I was impressed. I told him yes, but I don't think it was in the same sense that he asked me.

Counteeng My Blessingsuh

2008-04-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

The following is a guest post from the Right Reverend Booker T. Kilimanjaro, who is sending his correspondence from a dystopian future society known only as "Ko-rea".

So it's recently occurred to me that I've been feeling "gloomy" lately. (A little inside, I know.) So I've decided to buck up and count my blessings in what will be heralded as, but not become ever in reality, a recurring feature on this site.

Blessing number one: Being able to say whatever I want, whenever I want, at whatever volume I want, about anyone I please.

After spending the better part of a year in Korea's Alabraska (The culture of Alabama, the landscape of Nebraska, and the national currency of Alaska) I'd be less shocked by a singing pig than a Korean speaking uninflected, fluent English. Add to that the fact that Koreans, in what might be a bigger racial handicap than the drinking, or the driving, or the drinking and the driving, or even the dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you, love to make themselves look like the lead in an Anime, a Japanese word that can mean risibly coiffed ladyboy, or prepubescent whore, depending on the gender of the person in question. Needless to say I get my recommended daily dose of "Jumpin' Jesus! Get a load of that fucktard!" moments, which I then proceed to voice volubly and vociferously whatever the situation. I figure it's only a matter of time before I get my throat kicked by an outlandishly dressed Seoulite who's school and hogwan actually sprung for native speakers.

Another great part of that is stress reduction inherent in being able to speak your mind to anyone you want. I had a very Zen moment when earlier this week, standing next to my forty year old female co-teacher, shouting above the roiling horde of Gooklings that I will under no circumstances repeat the rules of the game we were about to play and that if they messed up they would be held to account, I was casting about for a phrase that they would understand and would drive the second point home. I then realized that they since they aren't even listening I may as well say what I want. Which is how I found myself roaring "... and if you get it wrong, well, TOUGH TITTY!" at a bunch of 13 year olds on Monday.

Of course, I am an English teacher, and as a recognized master of the ineffable Waygook gibber, I'm constantly looked to for an example of the proper use of idiom. Also on Monday, I was teaching with the most fluent of my teachers, and after a kid gave a particularly Hanglish riddled answer the stately old gent replied with "Seriously, what the hell?!", which I can only guess he learned as attache to the US millitary during his service in Seoul, and employed based on my use of that and similar phrases in that and similar situations. The best part was the expectant, hopeful look he shot me after he said it, to see if his pronunciation and syntax were ok. That'll do, pig, that'll do.

In the Long Run, or: She Cried "Go!" or: Morning Redness in the East

2008-03-17T03:18:00.000-07:00

You've probably noticed that the title and picture of this post has no tangible connection to Crispin Hellion Glover. That is because today's post is a special guest post by one the Right Reverend Booker T. Kilimanjaro, formerly Gent Nicely. Throughout it's illustrious past, whenever Forty Minutes of Hell has needed someone to give their perspective on the world(s) of middle and long distance running, we have turned to the Reverend K.* At other times, he e-mails someone out of the blue demanding that we post this or that nigh - incomprehensible rant. This is one of those times.

Oh hello. Didn't see you there, how've you been? Good, good. Good to hear, glad you're taking up a hobby. You're only young once right? What's that you say? My weekend? Funny you should ask.

"*sob* I need a hug!"
"Get the fucking shoes off, get 'em off!"
"Thank you sir, and a race well run to you as well. No I would not like to massage your legs. No I would not like you to massage mine."
"My number? 4-0-7-gimmememyfugginbagalready!"
"Please don't come near me Bigclowns. Please Please Please. Don't make me deal with you."

The following are things I either said or muttered under my breath just after finishing the Dong-a Marathon in Seoul, over twice as long as the longest race I've ever run, and I'm struck by how it was almost exactly like, if not a little better than, getting date-raped. Indulge me whilst I explain.

One day the Marathon's in town, you've never run one, you've just heard things that make it sound mysterious, exciting, maybe a little... dangerous? Intrigued, you give it a shot, and it starts out as a blast, all this pomp and fanfare, (just for you!) and before you know it you've run further than you ever have, and feel like you're soaring on the wings of the Titanic, with Leonardo DiCaprio holding your waist. But then, at about the midpoint, the Marathon goes too far. "This isn't cool anymore," you think to yourself "I want to go home now." But it's too late, too much has happened, and it's buy the ticket, take the ride.

You begin to panic. Meanwhile androgynous Asians in powder blue cowboy outfits shout "Fighting!" at you. As it progresses you find yourself retreating into yourself, trying to deny what's happening to you, block it out, make it be over, but it just keeps getting worse. Also women in tiger costumes throw frozen treats at your head. Eventually it's over, and the only thing you can think is how much you need a hug, a shower and a good cry.

So you limp away, sore, sticky, confused and so full of self loathing that when strange old men offer to massage your legs without so much as buying you a drink, you actually have to think hard for a reason why not. But it doesn't end there, oh no. A short while later, along comes a hateful little souvenir, a little forget-me-not from your friend the marathon, that perhaps, with time and patience, you can learn to love. There was no handwriting or speaking involved in my registration by the way. Signed up on the 'net. Koreans raise misspelling to an art form.

And that was my weekend. How was yours?

This is for certain friends of mine, and you know who you are. Only the second two titles are references. The first one is all Byrne, so you can give wikipedia a break.

* - This has never happened.

Editor's Note: I have neglected to edit any of this, minus the fact that it was originally one long paragraph.

You Get Your Damn Hands Off Her: Things in Korea that Will Kill You

2008-03-13T04:19:00.000-07:00

Or is it "keep your damn hands?" I can't be bothered to look it up. As you may have guessed, I'm going to try and keep the Crispin Glover-centric headlines going for as long as I can. And if you didn't guess, go ahead and read that last sentence a second time. Try to keep up from now on.
I was planning on making this a much-beloved recurring series, but as those who can scroll back through the annals of this site will attest, I tend to lose willpower and focus rather quickly and just unceremoniously drop them (see: Timecube/MLS preview). Instead, I'm going to try to write one handy field guide to not staying alive in the southern half of this peninsula. If you cross that 38th parallel, you're on your own, chief. I can't be held responsible for that shit. Anyways, at risk of me writing so many lists I start getting paychecks from Cracked.com, here, in no particular order, are Things in Korea that Will Kill You:

1. Soju - Everyone say hello to the national drink of Korea. It may look innocuous, but like a tiger hiding behind a giant picture of Tony the Tiger, it wants to follow you home and eat your family. Unlike other traditional forms of alcohol, which are distilled, brewed, fermented or created in some other way that God intended, soju is simply watered-down ethanol. Did I mention they add sugar for flavor? No, I didn't, because added sugar is like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic thirty years after it sank.
A brief history: Soju didn't use to be a tool of the monkey god Hanuman designed to destroy humanity; it used to more like sake. Then, a rice shortage following the Korean war forced the government to make people stop turning all their rice into to liquor, as eating is somewhat more important. Hence, the near-gasoline that we all enjoy today. Oh, it also runs you roughly $1 a bottle.

Unoccupied Taxi Cabs - It's a common stereotype that people outside the United States and Western Europe drive like fucking maniacs. This is because, of course, that all stereotypes are true. But Korean taxi drivers take it to a new level. There is no more dangerous person on the road (in a country where a four-hour driving course earns you a driver's license) than a taxi driver with no fare. I have no real explanation for this; all I have are the numerous close calls I've had on foot and on bike with these reckless fuckers. They seem to become rational once more once they pick up a fare, and this probably has something to do with the law that states you owe the taxi driver no money if he gets in an accident. This isn't to say riding in a taxi isn't occasionally hair-raising. One of my first experiences was barreling down a two-lane country road at over seventy mph as the driver sat, turned around, laughing at me. Why was he laughing? Because my seatbelt was broken and wouldn't latch.

Holy Shit, the Yellow Dust - Around this time of year, Korea is treated to a fantastic "Howdy, neighbor!" from those ever-gregarious gents, the Chinese. It comes in the form of stifling, allergy-inducing and lung-destroying "yellow dust" (also commonly known as "Seriously, What the Fuck!!!??!?"). In years past, it was a mass of dust blown in off the Gobi Desert, but nowadays packs that extra punch of good old-fashioned Chinese air pollution. There's really not much I can say, I mean, just look at that goddamn picture.

Strong Dick! - This entry has as much to do with killing you as it does with that picture. I hope you respect the man with the cojones to type in "strong dick" to google image search, because that was a harrowing half a second where I was trying to decide whether or not to click. But I digress. There is a legend in Seoul of a taxi driver who goes by the name "Strong Dick." He has simple business cards that say his name and his phone number; nothing else. When you call Strong Dick (or, even better, accidentally hail him) he will take you to the shadiest red light districts that ever red lit. Stories abound of him trying to pimp his daughters, taking people who have lived in Seoul for years to places they couldn't locate the next morning and going by the name fucking Strong Dick. Along with eating dog, this man is at the top of my list of things to do in this country. And no, I'm not going to reword that.

Well, it's getting late here and I still have two lesson plans to write for tomorrow, so it looks like I'm going to have to continue this at a later date. I'm headed up to Seoul for St. Paddy's as well as to watch a certain man die in a marathon. So I'm sure I'll have something non-list related to write about by then. Will it be my favorite coked-out bartender? Or will it be the saga of me buying jeans OUTSIDE OF A STORE? Only time will tell...

Horsemarbles!

2008-03-04T22:06:00.000-08:00

Due to my no-editing and no-proofreading mandate, I'm forced to make the next few links an entirely separate post. Enjoy...

This has been getting me through the day the last week or so, via Deadspin.

"Lies" by Big Bang, the second-biggest K-Pop song since I've been here. The shopping cart alone makes the video.

"Tell Me" by Wondergirls, easily the biggest K-Pop smash that other uber-contrived girl group released that soul-crushing single a few somethings back. Fun games to play while watching: a) Find the fifteen-year old singer b) be creeped out once you find the fifteen-year old singer c) gouge out your ears with a rusty grapefruit spoon, hearing no more forever. But seriously, go ahead and watch this. Then play it on loop, twenty-four hours a day for the next six months or so. Then you'll know what it's like to live in Korea. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Seriously though, watch it. I have to go see an Indian man about a phone card.

I Can Blog! I Can Blog with my Hands!

2008-03-04T20:18:00.000-08:00

Lo! I have returned to the blogging depths, anew, like a Phoenix, rising from the ashes of Arizona! Brief update: since my last post, I've moved to a small city in South Korea and not posted one single time. Since I have neither the inclination nor the inclination to start up a new blog, I will instead simply cannibalize Forty Minutes and use it for my own dastardly means. I will blog about Korea.
This blog will contain many things: humorous anecdotes about the life of a weyguk in Korea, rage-filled anecdotes about the life of a weyguk in Korea, and the occasional lazily-researched insight into the culture of the Land of the Morning Calm. Also, it will include many, many typos because I will be fucked if I'm going to proofread any of this. Also, there will be cake.*
Some quick hits on Iksan, South Korea:

1. A city of 100,000 or so two hours south of Seoul by bullet train, or according to my recruiter, a city of 300,000 one hour south of Seoul. Potato, poTAto.

2. Most famous for being blown to fuck-all when a security guard fell asleep while smoking a cigarette. He was guarding a trainload of explosives. It blew up a third of the city, but hey, we got a shiny new train station out of it! Dae Han Min Guk!

3. Is home to roughly 50 weyguks (foreigners).

4. Has an ancient temple complex right outside town named Mireuksaji. Note: This is not impressive.

I'll stop there because I have grown bored of the list format. I guess now is a good time to tell you there will be a serious lack of pictures on this blog, as I didn't buy a camera until I had been here about four months. Then, I left it at a friend's apartment in Daegu. Now, it currently resides in the possession of someone from Chaing Mai, Thailand (or someone who happened to be in Chaing Mai at the same time as me). To help shed some light on this mysterious catastrofuck, I will relate the few events that I actually recall from that fateful night, in the much-dreaded list form:

1. I was leaving a dance club because I felt uncomfortable. Why, do you ask? Hold your goddamn horses, I answer. Besides Byrne and a Thai waitress who, I must emphasize for reasons that will not be discussed, was most certainly not a hooker, I was surrounded by Thai prostitutes, sex-pats and the occasional scary-looking pimp/bouncer.

2. I helped organize a protest against a man who was trying to bring an elephant into a bar. He won.

3. I yelled "I'm a doctor of journalism!" at an angry madame, who did nothing to help my confusion at how the the Western Union that I had changed money at that afternoon was now a brothel. I realized later the Western Union was about two blocks away. My mistake.

4. I took a piss in an alleyway, and no, I'm not proud of it. Or am I? Fuck off, it was like four in the morning.

That's it. In the morning, no camera. Anyways, since apparantly list-day here at 40 minutes (actually, it's closer to fifty due to the strength of the Korean bun against the American minute), I'll rattle off a few of my favorite quotes I've heard since I've been here, absolutely context-free. Fun game: try to guess which ones are from Koreans and which ones from foreigners:

"All I remember is riding my bike with one hand because I was trying to hold the blood in."

"Only a whore smokes in public."

"Come, I want you to meet my first mistress."

"If it wasn't for us, all of you would be speaking Japanese!" (actually much, much worse in context)

"You are Texas to me!"

"If we're going to go that far, you're going to have to put on a helmet."

"I think I'm going to do heroin in when I get there."

That's enough, off the top of my head. Can you tell that I'm typing this because I'm avoiding something else? On that note, it's probably time for me to start winding down. I can't promise all the entries won't be this long, although I can promise they'll be more cohesive and less lazy. I plan on updating this at least once a week, as I get off work on Wednesdays a little after noon, so if I don't do something productive then I'll lose my last remaining shred of dignity. If anyone bugs me, like they did to Byrne, about not posting often enough then this blog may very well go the way of his blog or 40 minutes of hell, the sports blog. So don't. Keep that shit to yourself.

Annyongi kaseyo.

*(There will be no cake.)

A Field Guide to The Majestic World Of The NBA

2007-11-12T16:41:00.000-08:00

The Ol' Leather Pumpkin

Think of it as The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo to Forty Minutes of Hell's B.J. and The Bear

Super Disco Football Party!

2007-09-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

In Week Four of college football, the playoff picture finally takes shape. And by "playoff picture" I mean four schools that were ranked highly in the preseason have yet to lose and are now the only schools with a shot at the National Title. Hooray BCS! Meanwhile, every other team looks unimpressive.

In the NFL people continue to assume that the Chargers are a good team for no apparent reason. And as always I pretend there is no Monday Night game because I don't feel like waiting to write this.

College
In which we discover that Tim Tebow is all man

Oklahoma 62, Tulsa 21

In a weekend in which the SEC reminds us all who the best conference is, Oklahoma goes ahead and reminds us that they don't have to play anyone all season. Except Texas. So yeah, no one.

USF 37, UNC 10

South Florida being declared "this year's Boise State" begins in three, two...

Syracuse 38, Louisville 35

For three weeks the Orange Persons looked like they could be the worst team at the Division 1 Bowl Subdivision level (yes, including Notre Dame). Then a L'ville team that has been shaky-at-best all season long goes ahead and does their version of Michigan/App. St. And to think, Brian Brohm could be collecting checks in the NFL right now.

Michigan 14, Penn State 9

Good to see Michigan finally getting a game at home.

LSU 28, South Carolina 16

In this week's lone intriguing match-up, LSU proved why they look like the best team in the country. Not that it matters right now. The SEC will most likely beat up on each other leaving the two teams with no competition in their respective conferences (Oklahoma and USC) to march into the BCS title game.

Michigan State 31, Notre Dame 14

Did you hear about this!?! ND has started off 0-4 for the first time ever! Why is no one talking about this!?! This Jimmy Clausen kid should still get the Heisman!

Wisconsin 17, Iowa 13

Congratulations, Big Ten. Feel free to join the Big East over there in the area for Conferences That Don't Matter in 2007.

The National Football League
In which Brett Favre continues to make a case for my assertion that he should be on the one-dollar bill

Green Bay 31, San Diego 24

So everyone realizes that Norv Turner coaches the Chargers now. Alright then, just checking.

Baltimore 26, Arizona 23

Matt Leinart has to be embarrassed after being replaced by the corpse of Kurt Warner.

New England 38, Buffalo 7

In the near future we will all look back for the moment in which the NFL jumped the proverbial shark and we will decide that moment was this past week. The Pats had won two games, and had lost none. They had scored 38 points in both contests. And by Wednesday it was a mortal lock that they were going to somehow pull off a feat that has never happened and go 16-0. Anyway, they score 38 and win yet again. 3-0? This franchise might not ever lose again. We might as well just pack up the league and start watching soccer.

Philadelphia 56, Detroit 21

In the same way that most of us have learned not to - under any circumstances - taunt Steve Smith, we must now understand a similar premise about Donovan McNabb: never, ever question his quarterbacking skills anymore than you would that of a similarly talented white QB.

Oakland 26, Cleveland 24

Only 24 points? Bench Anderson! Bring in Brady Quinn!

Pittsburgh 37, San Francisco 16

Hey! Look at those Pats go. Seriously, pay no attention to what's going on over here. You needn't worry about it. Just go back to wild speculation and just pencil that New England team in for their fourth ring.

Carolina 27, Atlanta 20

During Sunday's NY/Washington game on FOX, the studio cut in to bring us footage of Joey Heisman's first TD toss of the season. Immediately after Troy Aikman exclaimed "Joey Harrington! I've been telling you, he's the guy! Been saying it for years now." The lesson here is this: Troy Aikman is still concussed. Should we be worried? He should probably have that checked out.

Dallas 34, Chicago 10

Not to go all Mariotti here, but how much longer can the Bears put up with The Sex Cannon? Not only has he completely dismantled Chicago's offense, he's also killing the defense because they're out there for the entire game. If this team had even a semi-decent QB they'd be Super Bowl bound yet again. And I know it's the NFC and anything can happen, but they're simply wasting one of the best defenses in recent memory. Meanwhile Dallas pulls away from the pack and becomes the de-facto Team To Beat in the NFC.

Is The Birdman About To Fly?

2007-09-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

Many moons ago, when Freshman and I cohabited a small dorm room at Pitt, we watched WAY too much basketball. And because of such b-ball bingeing, we came across a young man on the Nuggets known as Chris Anderson - a.k.a. The Birdman. He quickly became a 2-West Fan Favorite due in no small part to his minimal minutes, sweet moves and the time that he permed his hair.

Following his stint with the Nugs, he moved on to the Hornets where he gained recognition from a wider fan-base thanks to this fantastic performance (remember, kids, EVERYTHING is funnier when it involves Yakety Sax):

Sadly, this would be the Birdman's last time to shine in the NBA. He was suspended for substance abuse a few months later. I know, I know. It's hard to believe watching this clip that he would ever touch a drug, but it's true. It happened.

Now here we are, almost two years later. And the Boston Globe is reporting on the possibility of Anderson coming back to The Association. We here at Forty Minutes will be waiting with baited breathe for the day when The Birdman can soar again. Godspeed, Chris Anderson.

Pigskin Round-up Rodeo!

2007-09-17T00:34:00.000-07:00

It's that time of the week again, in which I write about all the football I watched this weekend when I could have been doing much more important things. Like finding a job. Or not drinking.

College
In which we marvel at the length of Charlie Weis’ fly

West Virginia 31, Maryland 14

Much like last week, the game was close in the first half until WVU decided to actually play a little bit. And, much like seasons previous, Maryland regretted retracting Steve Slaton's scholarship years ago. I'm assuming couches were burned in celebration.

Penn State 45, Buffalo 24

Last week Penn St. trounced Notre Dame. This week they looked a little flat against a pretty bad Buffalo team. It's hard to say if they just couldn't get up against a small school, or if Notre Dame can make any school look amazing. I'm thinking it could be a little bit of both. Penn St. still looks like the team to beat in the Big Eleven, the only difference this week as how much worse the entire conference looks.

Texas 35, UCF 32

Wait. I thought it was USF that was supposed to be keeping teams like this on their toes. Or maybe Texas is just overrated. I'd make a joke about Colt McCoy here if I wasn't afraid of Brent Musberger punching me in the mouth.

Oklahoma 54, Utah State 3

Running up the score against terrible opponents in an attempt to vault your team over the No. 1, but failing because the only way a No. 1 drops down is if they lose a game is The New Black.

Utah 44, UCLA 6

I blame East Coast Bias. Also Global Warming.

Alabama 41, Arkansas 38

With one last-second play, Nick Saban went from potential pariah to worth some of the money he’s making. And John Parker Wilson made Rush Propst cry tears of joy. Congrats, J.P. Dub, you are not a disgrace to Alabama Football.

UAB 22, Alcorn State 0

This game was decided when Squeaky Johnson beat Steve 'Air' McNair in a fight to the death. Seriously. Check the box score.

Kentucky 40, Louisville 34

This loss really hurts the Big East conference as a whole. I mean not as badly as some of the Big Ten performances this weekend. Maybe Rutgers running over Norfolk State will impress the judges. What’s that? No, it won't? Alright then.

Florida State 16, Colorado 6

If this game wasn't so God damned boring I might not have drank so much at the bar. Maybe. But probably not.

Michigan State 17, Pittsburgh 13

Ladies and Gentlemen, the latest entry to the 2008 Heisman Race: Shady McCoy. If he knew how to throw, Pitt wouldn't lose another game.

The National Football League
In which I pretend people care about how I did in fantasy football

Cleveland 51, Cincinnati 45

Hey! Remember a few years ago, when Weis (the offensive "guru") left New England for Notre Dame and Crenell (the defensive "genius") left for Cleveland. Well one's team doesn't have an offensive TD this season and the other just gave up 45 points. The good news? At least the Browns won their game. The other good news? The Steelers are in the drivers seat in this division.

Jacksonville 13, Atlanta 7

Seriously, what's the over/under on the amount of "The Falcons are who we thought they were" jokes that were made across the country on Sunday? It's got to be around 2,100 right?

Houston 34, Carolina 21

There was plenty of room on the Matt Schaub bandwagon when he was playing in place of Vick a few years ago. And now when I look around I see a few new faces and a lot of empty seats. C'mon folks, it's going to start filling up fast. Better hop on now before it's too late. I know Freshman and I have had our seats picked out for a long time, but there's still some room up here in the front. Have I driven this "driving the bandwagon" thing into the ground yet? Good, moving on...

Tampa Bay 31, New Orleans 14

Hey, people jumping off the Saints bus. Are you looking for a new bandwagon? Might I interest you in a Matt Schaub? Ok, ok, I'll stop now.

Indianapolis 22, Tennessee 20

If the NFL has proven one thing and one thing alone it's that White QB always beats Black QB. Always.

Detroit 20, Minnesota 17

The Detroit Lions are 2-0. Let me repeat: The Detroit Lions are 2-0. So, a note to those cellar dwellers out there: keep drafting wide receivers. Even if logic dictates that you shouldn’t because your organization has become a laughing stock and you’ve drafted receivers for the better part of a decade, just hold on. You're almost there! A few more receivers and you'll be the belle of the ball.

Baltimore 20, New York Football Jets 13

Mark it down. The 2007-2008 NFL Season will be remembered for one thing and one thing alone: Kyle Boller's Break Out Year.

New England 38, San Diego 14

One team cheated this year! One team cheated last year! ZZZZZZZZZZZ....

New York 4, Boston 3

Ahhhhh. That's better. Thanks, Derek.

Next Week: Is it time for the NHL yet?

We Love The Dungeon Family

2007-09-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

Even though most of us here at Forty Minutes Of Hell can't agree on the same teams, there's one thing we do agree on: Everything the Dungeon Family touches is gold. Which is why I bring you Killer Mike's sports show. In this installment he brings us up to date on this phenomenon of "Makin' It Rain." Please to enjoy:

If there's one thing this video brings to light it's this: when dudes in tight girls' jeans have opinions on "Makin' It Rain" it's time to move on. So hang it up, makin' it rain.

I've Waited For This

2007-09-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

Well I have finally brought my brand of anger back to Forty Minutes of Hell. I was waiting for a moment like this to make my return. Actually I just didn't have internet for a while and was focused on another project.

The big VHS-gate or whatever the fuck the media is calling the Patriots blatently cheating is like receiving the best gift of my life. This is really the equivalent of Lil' Wayne dropping Carter 3 and somebody buying me a cake at the same time. God damn this story makes me happy.

Its not really so much that the Patriots are getting what has been coming to them, its more to do with more bad news for the NFL. A league that has cultivated the image of smug self-importance to get story after story of bad news it makes a hater like me smile. Now Roger Goddell has to give the Patriots the same type of punishment he has given any player that has crossed him. Destroy them Emporer Goddell for the good of the public image of the league. May I give you two suggestions your majesty:

1. Take a couple of the Patriots draft...........and shove them directly up Bob Craft's ass. just joking. They should really take a couple of the Patriots draft picks over the next couple of years. Listen if its cool to suspend a guy without a conviction from the judicial system then its cool to ruin a franchise.

2. Make Bill Belichick host a live radio talk show where fans get to call him up and ask him questions. I would get one of those dialing machines so that I could constantly be on the line just to prod this giant douchebag until he explodes. Belichick you won 3 Super Bowls and you act like you are protecting military secrets when talking to anybody. I really hope that you get suspended so that I may get a chance to see you cry or show some emotion other than smugness, which I don't think is an emotion.

I don't think that this is actually that horrible of a thing but I just want to see the Patriots get screwed with. That makes me happy in a very small and petty way but then again thats how I roll. NFL its fantastic..........if you are smart enough to cheat.

Is This The End For Our Hero?

2007-09-12T14:28:00.000-07:00

Another day, another Red Sox Rant from perennial Forty Minute Favorite (TM) Freekin' Willy. In Today's episode, Bill expounds on Dice K:

I don't know. The pressure and the anger might be getting to him. Willy has a point, he might very well be loosing it. It's only September 12th! Will he make it to October? Will he be able to take the Playoffs? How does he feel about Dane Cook? Hopefully these questions and more will be answered in the next episode of "Red Sox Players I Can't Stand (Don't Get Me Started)".

Monday Morning Cornerback: We're Talkin' Football

2007-09-10T00:27:00.000-07:00

See what I did there? It's a play on words. The kids love that stuff. Anyway here's a recap of what happened this weekend in the only sport that America cares about. You'll be more than hard-pressed to find one of these babies on the information superhighway.

College, in which most Top 25 teams didn't look very good at all

LSU 48, Virginia Tech 7

"Now I'm rooting for Virginia Tech, but..." might have been the most widely used sentence this weekend. A tragedy occurred on campus, so for some reason you're not allowed to root against a football team that has nothing to do with what happened. Personally, I could watch them lose every game for the rest of the season, but that's just me. The real story here is LSU. Sure, Va Tech was overrated at No. 9 (they always are), but LSU looks like the best team in the country. Just don't expect them to hop perennial No. 1 USC any time soon.

Oregon 29, Michigan 7

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Also, look for this to be the start of overrating the Pac 10, the knee jerk reaction of the media when being accused of "East Coast Bias."

Penn State 31, Notre Dame 10

What should have been a blow out was kept close by some bad play calling on the part of the Penn State offense and one QB who refuses to look off his receiver and will routinely throw into double- and triple-coverage. The Lion's defense, however, looks to be one of the best in the country. Notre Dame (now 0-2) can look at freshman QB Jimmy Clausen's performance as a sign of good things to come, but they'll probably just bitch about Weis, less than a year after crowning him King of Football.

Oklahoma 51, Miami (FL) 13

Pretty much the same as the LSU - Va Tech game, except this win looks less impressive on paper because Miami wasn't ranked. Why was it that no one wanted that Miami job again?

Washington 24, Boise State 10

The Nation's longest winning-streak ends at 14 with this Boise State loss. The dream is now dead.

South Florida 26, Auburn 23

USF fulfills their annual "upset" early this year with a big win at Auburn. The Big East juggernaut continues to roll on this season, with the conference standing at 14-2, with those two loses being attributed to Syracuse alone. Look out, Division 1 (formerly) Single A!

Pittsburgh 34, Grambling State 10

CAT BASKET

The National Football League, in which the NFL begins photoshopping Peyton Manning's head onto every other quarterback

Green Bay 16, Philadelphia 13

Green Bay shouldn’t have even been in this game, let alone taking the win away from Philly. Poor in game decisions, a sub-par performance from McNabb, and special team mishaps sealed the deal in this one. The Eagles' 2006 season was ended by one of the worst decisions to punt I have ever seen. It only seems fitting that they loose their 2007 opener because of a punt as well. Expect this to be the season where someone in the greater Philly area finally snaps and goes after McNabb with a knife.

Pittsburgh 34, Cleveland 7

It took the Browns less than a half to make their first QB switch of the season. Don't anticipate it being the last. Meanwhile they could also use some help on defense, their running game, receiving, and - fuck it, why not - special teams too. That is to say, this isn't a very good team. On the other side of the ball, the Stillers looked pretty sharp, with Roethlisberger throwing for 161 yards and a whopping four TDs. Although, as I said, this was more of a warm up than it was a showcase of how well the 2007 Steely McBeams look.

Minnesota 24, Atlanta 3

A lot of people tried to talk themselves into the Falcons team. Harrington getting (another) fresh start. A new coach. A team trying to get beyond The Amazing Adventures of The Family Vick. And, of course, the ever popular "Ewing Theory." Then they took the field and looked exactly how they should look. This might very well get worse in Atlanta before it gets any better.

New England 38, New York Football Jets 14

And Pennington goes down! Who had Week 1 in the office pool? Meanwhile it looks like the Brady/Moss connection is a hit in New England. Ronnie, the crazy alcoholic at the end of the bar, was sour on how Moss would do this season, and Randy made him look like a fool. Which is funny, because it's usually Ronnie's hat that does that.

Detroit 36, Oakland 21

The Raider's lone bright spot last season - their defense - just gave up 36 points to the Detroit Lions. Uh oh.

Houston 20, Kansas 3

Dallas 45, New York Football Giants 35

It seems all is forgiven in Dallas (excluding Drew Bledsoe, of course) as Tony Romo lit up the G-Men on Sunday Night is Football Night. Neither defense in this game looked particularly impressive, which is why this was the highest scoring affair in Cowboys-Giants history. The major story coming out of this game is the amount of injuries the Giants sustained, losing three starters. Ouch. Well at least it looks like Jared Lorenzen lost some weight.

Next Week: The Charlie Weis/Lloyd Carr DEATHMATCH!

Go, Squirrel, Go!

2007-09-04T23:24:00.000-07:00

Squirrels! Who doesn't love them? Terrorists, that's who! But here in the United States of America they are seen as harbingers of good will, bringers of peace, eaters of acorns, and dodgers of cars. They frolic and cause little-to-no fuss. They have fun, bushy tails. And sometimes they fly!

Now the squirrel population has done what many scientists considered impossible and added one more trait to their litany of awesomeness: Yankees fan. "When did this happen," you ask? Well, just last week, as a squirrel has moved into - or rather, onto - the right field foul poll at Yankee Stadium.

Now unlike the New York Times, with their fancy journalism degrees and knowledge of Norse mythology outside of Manowar albums, I believe this to be a good thing. This is a good omen, a sign of fantastic things to come. For once the squirrel appeared on that fateful day last week, the Yankees went on to sweep the hated Boston Red Sox and strike fear into the heart of the eternally frustrated Freekin' Willy.

Now, granted, after that sweep the Yankees dropped three of four games and lost Andy Phillips, and (possibly) Roger Clemens. But tonight the squirrel appeared again. It was late in the game, the Yankees were leading Seattle 1-0 in a tight, well-pitched game, when the camera zoomed in on the right field foul poll. There he sat, in all his woodland glory, presiding over a Yankees' offense that let the floodgates open on Seattle's bullpen.

When the dust finally settled, the Yankees had prevailed with a 12-3 victory. The squirrel, of course, nodded in approval.

New York has now taken a two game lead in the AL Wild Card standings and Chien-Ming Wang has become the first 17-game winner in the league. All thanks in no small part to that squirrel.

Now, I'm not going to say this makes the New York Baseball Yankees a mortal lock to become World Series Champions. But, let us not forget a plucky primate from the West Coast that led the former Anaheim Angels all the way to the title. And lets be honest here, squirrel beats Rally Monkey hands down. Especially when one is a clip from a Jim Carrey movie, and the other has moved - lock, stock and barrel full of nuts - into the House That Ruth Built.

Beware, American League. Beware, Major League Baseball. Fear The Squirrel.

Is Trot Nixon Even Worth Minimum Wage?

2007-08-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

As August comes to a close, we're seeing five series happening that have serious playoff implications. Post season hopes and dreams could very well live or die this week. With that being the case, I feel it's time to check in with my new most favorite person ever: Freekin' Willy.

In this follow up to his thoughts on Eric Gagne's early troubles with the Red Sox, Willy chimes in this time on all things Trot Nixon, J.D. Drew, and of course ham & eggs. Look out, J.D., you're now on Freekin' Willy's "shit list" and that is not a place you want to be. Trust me, I know from experience.

Sadly, Willy once again threatens us with a video every day, but has yet to deliver the goods. Then again, we probably shouldn't get him started, if we know what's good for us.

Two Hours of GameDay? Not So Fast My Friend

2007-08-22T16:48:00.000-07:00

Around this time every year, for as long as I can remember, I get excited for football. Sure, baseball is going on, but it's the dog days of summer, it's been going on forever and by this point the Yankees are usually (knock on wood) a lock for the playoffs. So my attention fades slightly from America's Pastime to America's Passion. I look forward to the NFL, inasmuch as I can before wanting to kill myself from the ridiculous coverage of it at this point.

But more than the NFL, I look towards the college football season. It's a special time, a time of hope, a time to look forward to Heinz Field and drinking some whiskey. It's a time of bliss before the realization by mid-November that the entire premise of NCAA Division One (Bowl Subdivision) football is kind of a joke.

But that's alright, it's not about November. It's about now, and a fresh new season, where I haven't had to deal with an amazing amount of hype quite like ESPN has put into the NFL throughout the entirety of the League's off-season. That is until The Big Lead hepped me to this USA Today article, and just how The World Wide Leader is getting ready for this year's college football season: A 25-hour long pre-game show!

FANTASTIC! I was just wondering how ESPN was going to handle that much anticipated Louisiana State - Mississippi State match-up. It's good to know that we'll have every angle covered. I was somewhat excited to go to that first Pitt game on September 1st, but fuck that. Now I'm excited that I'll get to watch The University of Hawaii Fightin' Rainbow Warriors practice at 3:00AM.

ESPN is also reporting that the 5:00AM-7:00AM slot will cover Kirk Herbstreit's morning primping routine. While the afternoon-hours of this death march will be filled mostly with College GameDay's "Greatest Hits." Favorites such as: "East Coast Bias (Hey! Check out that Pac-10)", "The Regular Season IS a Playoff", "That White QB Sure Is A Great Heisman Candidate", "The Wearin' This Goofy Mascot Head Twist", "That Sign Implies An Opposing Player's Homosexuality! HA HA HA!” and "Whorish FSU Fan.”

But why just once? In the words of Puff Daddy, "Shit, we can do this every weekend." Can we shoehorn 'round-the-clock coverage of Saturday's Big Game in between NFL Live? No? We can't? Well alright, I guess we'll just have to settle for this being a one time thing and move on with it.

Can you just promise to not hype anything more than this for the rest of the season? No, you can't? Alright then, fair enough.

Gan-yeezy, You Did It Again!

2007-08-18T00:47:00.000-07:00

In the second game of tonight's double header, the Red Sox once again went to the recently acquired Eric Gagne (who happens to be from Canada. Canada!). And, once again, he blew the save and lost the game. This puts Gange's ERA since he's arrived in Boston to an even 15. Now I'm not going to say that Boston fans might be a little angry about this, but, well, here:

And that was posted on August 13th, after the LAST time Gange blew a game. Tito didn't fix it, so apparently this guy is going to make a video every day. And we're going to have to watch it. I'm pretty sure this is proof: there is no God.

Are You Ready For Some (Pre-Season) Football?!

2007-08-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday Night, which means several things: 30 Rock, the start of my weekend, and - as I'm sure everyone in America is well aware - MLS soccer on ESPN2. All season long, ESPN2 has been giving us one game a week, every Thursday night. It's been great, you know, because I can actually watch soccer on basic cable. And there's usually nothing else on, so that means the bars will toss on The Beautiful Game sometimes as well.

But that is not the case tonight. There is no MLS on ESPN2 this evening. This is because ESPN had the rights to show NFL games, in this case an NFL preseason game that ESPN will pretend is a Monday Night Football game. It's the National Football League's world, and the rest of us are just paying rent. And that means ESPN has to preempt a game on ESPN2 just because the NFL is on ESPN.

How long until the NFL backlash begins? How much longer can ESPN pretend that football is the only game in town before people get sick of it? I thoroughly enjoy the (REGULAR) NFL season, but ESPN is straining that relationship. ESPN is somehow making me hate sports I used to love.

Now, granted, this is not going to ruin my whole night. It's not as if I plan my week around MLS Thursday Nights. I'll probably just go to the bar like I normally do. But I would enjoy watching some soccer if I got the chance. Of course, that won't be the case tonight. On a day in which much of ESPN's programming (from SportsCenter to Around The Horn/Pardon The Interruption) hyped the "arrival" of Beckham - and his one goal, one assist performance in last night's L.A./D.C. SuperLiga match - they have decided to cancel the one opportunity most people will get to watch an MLS game this week.

God forbid someone would want to watch a regular season game of "their" football over an over-hyped, meaningless, preseason game of "our" football. I'm just glad to know that ESPN has gone ahead and made the decision for me tonight. I know I was going to have to think long and hard about if I wanted to watch some soccer (which I get once a week) or some third stringers fight for their spot on Kansas City's special teams unit. Thanks again, ESPN, for looking out for the fans.

Where Do We Go From Here?

2007-08-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

On September 11, 2001 an event changed this nation forever. It was noted, almost immediately that nothing in America - or even the world - would ever be quite the same again. The date, 9/11, is a number now burned into the annals of time, reflecting a national tragedy for eternity. It will forever conjure up memories of not only one of the most grim days in American history, but also a time before that, a time that was a little simpler, a time where terror didn't reign supreme.

Almost six years later, we can now add a second number to that list: 756. From this day forward nothing will be the same. An innocence of a nation has been lost. On August 8th, 2007, Barry Bonds became the All-Time Home Run leader. The past cannot be changed, but we as a nation must look forward and ask ourselves how - if ever - can we recover from such an event.

Now some people - naive people, possibly communists - will look at 756 and say that it's just a record, that it's just a game, that it means very little in the grand scheme of things. But these people simply cannot grasp the staggering change that has happened. A man who cheated has sullied baseball, the national pastime, America’s game! A man who allegedly used steroids, a man who isn’t very nice to the media, a man who is generally kind of a dick has tarnished a once great record. The once honest game of baseball has been torn apart, and the very, very few who have cheated (namely Bonds) have changed the outlook of the game forever. Hank Aaron's home run record was baseball's JFK, and last night San Francisco became the new Dallas.

We, as Americans, had so little to worry about until shortly after mid-night (on the East Coast) a baseball pierced the night sky and landed beyond the outfield wall in right-center. At that moment, cries rained down throughout the country. San Francisco was nearly destroyed. A nation was changed for the worse. Bonds raised his arms in triumph; America bowed its head in defeat.

How will we look back at 756? Where will this day be remembered in the history books? What will our reaction, as a nation, be? Will this be remembered as a time - like many before it - when America awoke to fight back against evil and the tyranny of the large-headed? Or will this be remembered as the first step in the downfall of our great country? Will the 756th straw be the one to break the camel's back?

As of today, we simply cannot afford to worry about the future and what it holds for us. We must not change our daily lives. We must collectively put our heads down and push forward, no matter how hard it is in the wake of 756. We all feel terrible, and I know my heart goes out to the people of San Francisco, who suffered through this tragedy, as well as Hank Aaron and his family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

But this is not the end of a nightmare, it is merely the beginning. The America you knew and loved is no more. Baseball has changed and - as always - so has this great country. Maybe somewhere down the line we will be able to learn from the events of 756, but now is not the time to sit and ponder. We cannot let a tragedy, no matter how great, get to us. We must perceiver. We must continue our lives just as they were, for if we don't, then Barry Bonds wins. And we simply can't let that happen.

Bring Back Oak!

2007-08-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

Charles Oakley is one of the most feared players in the history of the NBA. He was an enforcer for several different teams, and remains - to an extent - Jordan's enforcer to this very day. And Oak wants back in. According to the NY Daily News, Oak is trying to make a comeback!

I'm not saying I'm better than guys who play every day. But I can play 20 minutes a night. I understand the game. I can shoot, make free throws and defend. A lot of teams don't have a general on the floor. I'm not trying to steal from anybody. Give me a tryout and if you don't think I can do it, then just cut me.

The Cavs have to go after him. Screw Anderson or Gooden, Oak will strike fear into the hearts of the East. No more will LeBron be pushed around as he was this past post-season. He can be like the grizzled old guy in Above The Rim. Who doesn't want that? C'mon!

[Via TrueHoop]

The Greatest Person Ever

2007-08-01T17:47:00.000-07:00

So, we haven't been updating around here quite as often. Not a whole lot of news going on, and the little of it that is coming out is just depressing:

Will Mike Vick play again? I don't know. Maybe. Probably not if he goes to jail, but you can't keep him out of the league if he walks.

Barry Bonds is on his way to breaking the Home Run Record, which is making many, many people very angry for a reason I can't quite understand. Yeah, he probably cheated. But so did a lot of people. Most likely including a bunch of pitchers he took yard, too.

The NBA is fixed! We wuz robbed! At least this will help bring focus to a group of people who are all terrible at their collective job.

As for Major League Baseball? We're in the dog days, a few deals happened at the deadline, not a whole lot going on. The Cubs look good. The D'Backs have been playing well, and I'm going to stop writing before I mention the play of a certain twenty-six-time world champion and I go McCarver on them.

This post isn't about the depressing side of sports over the last few weeks. This post is about the good side of sports, the fun side of sports, I speak, of course, about Agent Zero, and his party time NBA blog. If you haven't been keeping up, here are some things you missed:

He is trying to knock down 100,000 baskets over a 73-day span. He's almost one-fifth of the way there, after almost two weeks
He feels that the U.S. Under-21 Men's Basketball Team does not look as if they are under 21 years of age
He's got his shot back, but he compares his ability to jump right now to the vertical leaping ability of Chucky Atkins
He still holds a grudge, of sorts, against Duke for defeating his Arizona Wildcats and thus winning the NCAA Championship when he was in college
DeShawn Stevenson is officially Gilbert's "Partner in Swag"
He feels his teammates are getting silly haircuts, but that's fine by him.
He has been named one of the 50 Best Latino Athletes
He once drove a rental car into the Hudson river just to practice escaping
And, finally, he doesn't believe in shark attacks

I know you’re making a weird face as you’re reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.

We’re humans. We live on land.

Sharks live in water.

So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack.

So there you have it: the thoughts of the greatest person in history. Now we can go back to bashing Mike Vick, the NBA, Barry Bonds, cycling, soccer, the pinch hitter, hot dogs filled with cheese and anything else we can possibly be upset by for no apparent reason. Hooray!

Wait...what?

2007-08-01T16:08:00.000-07:00

The last few days have seen several big name deals in both Major League Baseball and The Association. Mark Texarcana to the Braves. Gagne to the BoSox. The Big Ticket heading to the Celtics. Even, to a lesser extent, a deal that sent Wilson Betemit to the Yankees. For better or worse these deals are what's being talked about. They make sense to a certain extent for every team involved. That is, all but one deal.

The Pirates have been having yet another rough season. They've been God-awful since the All-Star Break, and now they've added Matt Morris to their starting rotation. The thirty-three year old right hander, who has gone 7-7 this season with an ERA of 4.35 has just become the highest paid Pirate of all time. Let me repeat that: Matt Morris is now the highest paid player the Pirates have ever had. Simply stunning.

Why was this team, 2-14 since the break, out there looking to add pieces like this? What possessed Dave Littlefield to look at that rotation and think "You know what we need? An aging, sub-par starter who we can give a whole lot of cash to." So Dave went to the phone, he called around, and he found Matt Morris, pitching poorly as of late, but in the second year of a three-year $27 Million deal. A match made in heaven, really.

Maybe it was that walk-out protest that fired up the front office. Maybe they were sick of being chastised for not spending any money. So they went out, and they got somebody they can spend $10 Million on next season, when their payroll will likely be in the $50 Million range. Pirates fans can no longer complain that their team isn't willing to spend any cash, I just have the feeling this isn't quite what they wanted.

An Open Letter To The American Sports Media

2007-07-16T23:46:00.000-07:00

After a weekend full of media coverage of the arrival of Team Beckham (a nice round up of which can be found at That's On Point) I can safely say that a lot of columnists and talking heads don't care about soccer. And if you don't, that's fine. The problem here is your insistence on letting us know how little you care.

I understand that I missed the pseudo-soccer-boom of the late 1970s, where "they" tried to convince America that it was The Next Big Thing. And I also understand that it happened again in 1994 when the U.S. hosted the World Cup. What I don't understand is your insistence that it will never happen, that soccer will never matter in America. Soccer doesn't have to win you over to succeed in the United States, in fact, it's doing very well.

The Los Angeles Times' Bill Plaschke took the lack of "buzz" in Southern California as proof that this is all a waste of our time. Plaschke fails to mention how very little in the L.A. sports world (outside of the Lakers and Kobe) creates any "buzz" without a playoff run. He is also a bit generous with the word "dude" and includes a quote from entertainment blogger "Perez Hilton", who to my understanding in one of the top soccer journalists in the country. What Plaschke doesn't understand is that the jaded, L.A. transplant might not be talking soccer, but what about the huge Latin-American population that can support not one, but two MLS teams. That's pretty impressive when you consider that Los Angeles can't support a single NFL team. Plaschke downplays the importance of Beckham's arrival to the U.S. and to the MLS, but you can count on him being there to cover his first game for the L.A. Times. And of course, for him to tell us how little the whole thing mattered to him and to America.

Plaschke's Around The Horn cohort and all-around pleasant guy, Jay Mariotti isn’t impressed either. He's seen it before, and wants the American public to know that we're all being brain washed by the "American Idol"-loving, Anglo-centric media. And he somehow, as only Jay can, ties this all back to Michael Jordan. Well done. Where Plaschke can’t find the “buzz,” or where Beckham has been over the last few months (Dude, he was busy winning La Liga), Mariotti is insisting that it's all hype. That's right Jay, "they" are trying to trick us all. It's all one big long con that's been going on since the days of Pele and the Cosmos. This Beckham character can’t play at all, and once they get us watching this soccer we’re all going to look like fools.

Plaschke, Mariotti, and anyone else who has mailed in yet another "America Doesn't Care About Soccer" column are using the same, tired arguments over and over again. Soccer can't possibly be as boring to you, American Sports Media, as these articles are to us.

So many of you have such ridiculous go-to arguments: "We've seen this all before." Have you? I don't believe soccer has ever been this popular in America, and its popularity is still growing. But in your defense, many sports writers have the rare ability to see into the future. "We have our own football." Umm, we also have soccer. This isn't a one-or-the-other type situation. You can have both. Just because Beckham has arrived in America doesn't mean anyone is taking away your nine hours of NFL Live per day. "It's a boring sport, and America just doesn't 'get' it." Just because you can't follow a game doesn't mean it's "boring" and no one else "gets" it. Auto racing is a "sport" in which a few dozen cars turn left for several hours. But you trash soccer as "boring" or "low scoring.” Anyone catch the score of that last NASCAR race? You know what? I find auto racing to be one of the most boring things on the planet, but I don't let it frighten me. I don't bitch about "getting" it. I don't talk about how it will never be as big as football or baseball. I just don't watch it. It's pretty simple.

We've seen these arguments so many times, American Sports Media. But this time, you've brought out what might possibly be my favorite of all: "Beckham will not save soccer." To be honest, and it might be that I'm not on the middle-aged-white-guy e-mail list, but I didn't know that soccer needed saving. Is an entire sport at risk for going under? If Beckham isn't a roaring success in the MLS will the we be forced to sell off our soccer posts as scrap metal? In fact, I was under the impression that soccer and the MLS were doing fine in the United States. Major League Soccer has proven itself to be a stable league, far superior to the NASL to which you consistently compare it. In fact it just keeps expanding. In addition to that, just recently, some of the younger American soccer stars showed us a glimpse of the future in the Under-20 World Cup. That Freddy Adu kid (yeah, he's only 18) that you wrote off on the basis that you simply hadn't heard his name around the water cooler in a while, yeah, he's doing fine. Soccer is doing fine. And us soccer fans are doing alright too.

In fact, the only real problem we face, is you, American Sports Media. We're just fine watching soccer, even if you're not fine with us watching soccer. You don't like soccer. We get it. You don't seem to care if we watch football, or baseball, or basketball, or even hockey (a lot of us have no problem following soccer and “American” sports - GASP!), but for some reason anyone caring about soccer seems to get to you. Personally, I don't understand it. Why must you try to one-up each other in this Battle of Who Could Care Less? What happens if, in some crazy and unlikely twist, that Beckham does "sell" soccer to America? Is that the end of the America as we know it? Will the terrorists finally win? Probably not, considering this is just a game and all.

To your credit, your often miserly and bitter observation that Beckham won’t get America crazy about soccer is probably right. It’s not about selling soccer to America, it’s about bringing attention to the MLS. But if you were to tell people that watching soccer might bring us closer to finally seeing Jim Rome's head explode, well then, we might just have a full-blown soccer frenzy on our hands.

Do You Believe In Magic?

2007-07-14T15:29:00.000-07:00

In an off-season where several teams made very good moves (a shocking turn of events in the NBA), it has been one franchise that has gone in the complete opposite direction: The Orlando Magic. Granted, this is a team that made the playoffs last season, but they were still two games under .500. This was a team that needed some serious improvement.

They needed to get a point guard. They needed to get Dr. Thunder, Dwight Howard some help in the frontcourt. They needed another scorer. They needed some defense. Basically they need to tweak everything that wasn't Dwight Howard.

Sure enough, they signed Howard to a 5-year extension, effectively keeping one of the best young talents in the game locked up for what will become some of this best years. Then they made sure that was all they could do for the next five years.

Coming into this off-season, Seattle's Rashard Lewis was considered one of the biggest names in the free agent market. Averaging 22 points per game, and six boards in 2006-2007, Lewis was projected to be making somewhere in the $70 million range. He was looking like a fine pick-up for the Magic, a solid scorer who could take some of the defensive pressure off of Doc Thunder.

Then his contract was announced: $126 Million over six years. What once looked to be a wise signing has now turned into an awful contract. After being saddled with Grant Hill's deal over the last several years, the Magic will be paying out a max contract the same year Hill's contract came off the books. Great move. Way to tie up all that cap space.

Following the Lewis deal, the Magic saw it fit to let Darko Milicic walk. He has underachieved his entire (short) career, but that isn't to say that the 22-year old can't improve. Never the less, the Magic made no attempt to re-sign him or get anything back for him. And so, letting Darko go without trying to move him via sign-and-trade (like Seattle did with Lewis) dropped Orlando slightly under the cap.

This means they no longer have a mid-level exception with which they can sign anyone else. They can now only sign players to minimum-salary contracts. So, in essence, because of the Dwight Howard extension, the RIDICULOUS Rashard Lewis contract, and stupidly getting nothing for Darko, the Orlando Magic have added one player to their unimpressive roster of talent and are pretty much stuck with this same team for the next five years. Sure they've got Dwight Howard, but they've also got the likes of J.J. Redick coming off the bench.

Hats off to you, Orlando. You have a franchise player in Howard that is already on his way to becoming a force in the East and in the span of about two weeks you bury your franchise for the next five seasons. Well done, indeed. Even Isaiah is impressed.

Things that Really Annoy Me #1: The Hawkeye Replay System

2007-07-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

If you aren't familiar with what is known as the 'Hawkeye Replay System', please enlighten yourself with the wikipedia entry here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hawk-Eye .

And after that, if you're feelin' game enough, why not figure out how the hell they decided to use it in Wimbledon, one of professional tennis' PREMIERE championships, here:

http://www.wimbledon.org/en_GB/scores/challenge/more.html

Roger Federer won Wimbledon for the 5th time in a row this weekend, and he played Rafael Nadal in the final for the 87th major in a row. Somehow, I decided it would be a good idea to watch this match.

I was wrong.

Not only was this match the same exact thing (except slightly closer) as I've seen every damn time they play, but for the first time I got to experience the relatively new Hawkeye system and understand what a trainwreck it is. I mean seriously, who thought it would be a good idea to put a robot thats only 90% accurate in charge of line calls? A CMU Grad? Wouldn't surprise me.

But honestly, this thing needs to die. And not a slow, painful death, a quick painful one. It is ridiculous how bad this thing is. I watched Roger Federer, the girly girl that he is, get legitimately angry over a call that was overturned by the hawkeye. I have never see Ole' Roger Rabbit angry before, but I don't blame him. Players get UNLIMITED CHALLENGES until they are overturned three times! For the love of all that is holy! All the other sports that have a challenge system at least have some boundaries, but not tennis. You could legitimately challenge every line call, and as long as you continued being correct, you could continue challenging every point.

Ridiculous.

I thought I'd had enough when basketball decided to incorporate an 'Official Review' or 'Challenge' or whatever 'The-Refs-Suck-So-We'd-Better-Let-Technology-Decide-This-One' system they have, but no, NOW I have officially had enough.

Seriously people. I have even grown to tolerate the obnoxious advertising on literally everything, but this is just too much. Let the people get paid to do their jobs. Let 'em play, as they say.

Federer nearly lost the championship over this stupid call. He lost the fourth set 6-2 after his confidence was rattled due to the controversial call being overturned. Tennis is a mental game, lets leave it up to people, not machines, to decide a winner.

Get Yo' Brooms Out

2007-07-08T16:09:00.000-07:00

The Detroit Tigers completed the weekend sweep of the Boston Red Sox today. This is news for two reasons: 1.) These might be the best two teams in the American League and could very well meet in October and 2.) This ridiculous catch. Wily Mo goes yard and Curtis Granderson takes it back. One of the best catches of the year. A fine way to close out the first half of the season.

[Via With Leather]

It's Only 1:00, Let the Man Juice!

2007-07-06T14:51:00.000-07:00

Post number one hundred, bitches!
Anyways, it turns out
Neifi Perez is on the muscle sauce. Not only that, he wants you to know he's not stupid, or in his words, "I say to my fans I am not stupid." Come on, Neifi, let's be serious. You have no fans. Not only are you bad, you're not quite bad enough for you to have ironic fans like this man (note: Hideki Irabu fans most likely limited to me and me. I once purchased a XXL Irabu Rangers T-shirt jersey at the Ballpark in Arlington. Sadly, I wear a medium. It was not meant to be). Anyways, what I'm driving at in the same way that a drunk man drives down the highway, which is to say, through a couple of frontyards and over a few literary guardrails, is that anyone batting below the Mendoza line should be allowed to take all the goddamn 'roids they want. Do you really want to see what Neifi is capable of when he's not on the juice? What if he's so atrocious his average dips into the negative? Then we're not talking baseball problem, we're talking astro-physical space-time mathematical conundrum.

NEIFI PEREZ IS SO FUCKING UNTALENTED THAT GIVEN THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES AND THE OPPURTUNITY, HE COULD UNMAKE THE VERY FABRIC OF OUR REALITY.

If we continue to let Bud Selig handle this situation, we're triple-jumping towards the dead walking the earth, craving the sweer succor of human flesh, and frankly, I don't think any city outside of Pittsburgh is equipped to handle a zombie and/or ghoul infestation.

Nevertheless, I bought some new shoes today, so when the Neifopalyse comes a callin, at least I'll be lookin spiffy. Or rolling large, quite large, if you will. If you won't, then you can fuck yourself. Just let the man take all the performance enhancers he wants, laughably small testicles be damned.

National Voice Is Muttering

2007-07-06T11:34:00.000-07:00

(Writer's Note: In an effort to centralize my anger towards the American sports media, I have decided to write a rebuttal article to every incorrect David Beckham article I find or Brendan sends to me. Today is the great Gene Wojciechowski and his ever brilliant and insightful national voice column.)

The central idea to yesterday's National Voice column is Wojciechowski takes the mainstream role to the David Beckham transfer to the LA Galaxy of the MLS. Firstly, Gene is nice enough to tell us that he wouldn't know "David Beckham if he put a corner kick into his jaw". Well thanks, I'm glad that you wrote an article for the biggest sports outlet in the United States while having no idea about perhaps the most famous athlete in the world. Am I crazy to expect people to have a knowledge of a player they are writing a column about? Also how do you not know who David Beckham is? My next column on Forty Minutes of Hell who is this LeBron James guy and why is he important to me.

I think the worst part of the article is that Gene decides the only way to gain a knowledge of the new LA Galaxy man is to talk to his expert friend, who coincidentally knows nothing about him or football.

"He's best at outside mid because he has a great right foot," says Daniels. "He's great at setting up teammates, when he has time. He's not great at setting up his own shot. But on set pieces, dead-ball pieces, he has a great, special talent for putting it on a head, curving it around the wall. That translates to [TV] highlights" (says writer for the LA Times Christine Daniels).

Well good job Christine you understand the position that David Beckham plays on the soccer field, thats quite suprising. I thought I would give you some credit before I tear you apart. You realize what being a right midfielder entails, great.

"The MLS is Triple-A baseball compared to the major leagues," she says. "It used to be Double-A."

What the fuck does that mean? The MLS consistently beats teams from the Coca Cola Championship in friendly matches. I would bet that the MLS All Stars can beat Celtic in the MLS All-Star game. Quality-wise the MLS has no correlation to minor league baseball. The MLS is the professional league of this country. While not on the level of the elite leagues in the world La Liga, Serie A, and the EPL its still a great league that is getting better and better. Being an anglophile is the best way to be when it comes to being a football fan. Look at me I would rather watch Blackburn play Sunderland than any MLS game, the atmosphere is so much better blah blah blah. Fuck all your American TV and give me some Vicar of Diably or some other stuff English comedy. Look at that its hilarious a man is wearing women's clothes, but I digress.

"So let me get this straight: he won't have Gretzky's impact, he's not one of the top 50 players in the world anymore, and the MLS isn't an elite league," I say (Thats Gene not me I'm not retarded). "This sounds like Michael Jordan going over to England to play hoops -- now."

"That's a good way of putting it," she says

Go fuck yourself. Seriously, you couldn't possibly understand this situation any less. I hate you.

But I've got a bad feeling that six months from now we're going to be asking, "Beckham who?" and "Beckham why?" (says the illustrious Gene Wojo).

You know what you Gene, thats what your going to be writing because you can't and won't understand. Don't try though there is no reason let the football fans have their stupid little league. Go back to writing about what TO should do in June or how great Tony Romo is. Is it too much for me to expect people to actually try when they write articles about a sport. If you don't know what your talking about don't try. Just leave the writing of football columns to some with a funny accent. I hate so many things about the way you are Gene.

Get Some Knowledge on This Beckham Fella

Like Father Like Son: Bad Mangement = Badly Managed Walkout

2007-07-01T09:41:00.001-07:00

An Open Letter To the Braintrust Behind the Pirates Walkout:

Congrats, you suck. All this hype (Which, by the way, I didn't know about until about 10 minutes started), trying to get all Bucco fans ANGRY and RILED UP about how bad the organization is, and you get a measly 100 people to walkout? And then return to their seats later the next inning? Come on man, we talkin' bout PRAC-tice.

It was April 2006, just a year and change ago, when I remember watching Michael Keaton, lifelong Pirates fan and shitty actor (though I haven't seen him as Batman, which I hear is great), bitching on opening day about how bad the Pirates organization is. Well guess what...I don't care! Quit complaining!

You guys are the public. You can stop coming to games, and that will make the organization lose some money, but you don't own the team and can't make other Pirates fans just magically stop coming.

Listen, I'm a man who enjoys a good Bucco's game, and I think that College Night is an amazing deal. Your team plays in the best park in the league, and this coming from someone whose been to a lot of parks. But honestly, you plan a walkout on a day when your team's best pitcher is pitching? Dumb bastards. Gorzelanny is the only Pirates pitcher worth a shit, but sure, that sounds like a great idea, walk out when he starts.

Also, though I know you may not have been able to plan who was pitching, you could plan who they were playing. The Nationals? The fucking lowly, shit of the Earth, used to be the Expos Washington Nationals? Couldn't you have picked a rivalry game or something? Though in the Michael Vick dogfight that is the NL Central, I can understand it may be hard to find a rival.

This letter is in no way shitting on the Pirates. As I said, I love the Pirates, and I'm a Philly sports fan. Come on, how can you hate on a team where you can see a AAA team with an average age of 17 (I still swear Gorzelanny is 14) play an MLB team for $8? Plus, you get to see 'Professor' Xavier Nady play, and he's awesome.

I just don't see the logic behind this walkout. YOU ALREADY PAID FOR TICKETS!!! And you honestly think that your average WASP family of four is going to walk out with their kids 3 innings into the game? Yeah, I understand your organization sucks, but at least Pat Gillick isn't your GM and your team doesn't have a chance each season. Being a Phils fan, I know they won't make the playoffs, but they keep my hopes up all season. You guys know you aren't going anywhere from day one.

Enjoy your beautiful ballpark, and enjoy a nice game of baseball. One day, ownership will change, but small market teams have a seriously bad chance of winning ever. Hell, I still don't know how the Florida Marlins have won multiple championships. Maybe you guys should compare notes.

Kind Regards,
Grant.

P.S. I think this picture is of Tim Bagatti during the Steelers Riot. Which is awesome. I'll get back to you on whether or not that is him.

With A White Bitch?

2007-06-30T11:47:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome the newest member of your Boston Celtics, Jesus Shuttlesworth himself Ray Allen. It only took the Celtics trading away Delonte West, who averaged 12.4 ppg last year and Big East Player of the Year Jeff Green (aka No. 5 Pick), also Wally and his amazing technicolor expiring contract. This is great news for Celtics fans what we get is the hardest worker in the NBA. Ray Allen is a great human being and will be a leader in the community. He will bring a work ethic to the Celtics that will be an example for the young nucleus of the team.

Ok seriously Ray Allen fucking lazy-ass one dimensional Ray Allen is what Danny Ainge cooked up for the Celtics. What is the best possible outcome of this trade for the C's? Allen scores 24 or 25 a game all while being a defensive liability and taking shots away from Pierce and Jefferson. Maybe if we are lucky Allen will just decide to tank the season and fake an injury. At least the Celtics didn't give up their future to get KG.....

Danny Ainge you are on notice. Who knows what I'm capable of?

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Team Full of Injuries

2007-06-30T09:25:00.000-07:00

In case you don't know, or just aren't a fan of them, the Phillies are hurt. Very, very hurt. So hurt that they have started J.D. Durbin and J.A. Happ in two out of their last games. I don't know if you have heard of these two initialed men, but neither have I. Durbin looked atrocious in game one of yesterday's doubleheader against the Mets, and I'm not looking forward to Happ's start against Mets pitcher Jorge 'Not Sammy' Sosa today on NATIONAL TELEVISION.

Why God? Why have you doomed this team? We began the series 3 games back of the old Metropolitans, but now are 5 back, in third place behind the Cox and Balls' Atlanta Tomahawks, and the best we can hope for is breaking even and remaining 3 back of Willie Randolph and the New York Other Team. Of course after Fireballer Happ's start today we get the (Ssshhh) surprisingly strong Kyle Kendrick in the fourth game. But SERIOUSLY!!! When does the pain end?!?!?! I truly know what its like to root for an injury plagued team...plus I have MLB TV so I get to see it live and in person.

The Phils Current Rotation:
1. Cole Hamels (AKA Captain Gopher Ball, but a strong, generally reliable ace(But not last night))
2. Jamie Moyer (AKA Grandpappy- Very Old, unreliable, but decent)
3. Adam Eaton (AKA Adam Eat-Me- Older, unreliable, terrible)
4. Kyle Kendrick (AKA The Rookie- Good thus far, but fairly untested...)
5. AAA Schmuck (AKA Revolving Door of guys they send some other terrible reliever down for)

How would you feel if this was your pitching staff? Probably bad.

Lets look at the facts here:
1) 6 Pitchers Currently on the DL- 2 Relievers, 2 Starters, 1 Closer, and 1 Closer/Starter
2) 1 Other injured, But its Jason Werth'less', so it could be worse.
3) Chris 'East vs. West' Coste (Nickname courtesy of WSBGM's) a Phillie once again! And hit a solo homer before Rod Barajas decided to be Rod Barajas and give J.D. Durbin two more ER's on his immaculate resume.
4) Chase Utley a very good candidate for NL MVP (God bless his UCLA soul)
5) Pat Gillick as GM.
6) Worst of all: Charlie Manuel as Coach.

So, in conclusion, the Phillies are screwed. I'd like to think they aren't, but they are the Phillies, and they play in Philadelphia, so they will enjoy a nice golf filled month come October. Meanwhile, I predict that Bobby 'Suck My' Cox and the Braves will return to former stature and play in October.

...Also, I predict the Pirates will miss the playoffs.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner, unless Baby is a Philly sports team*.

On an unrelated note, I'm at work and just heard Easy Lover on the radio. I thought of you Jason.

*See Sixers '07 draft, 1993 World Series, 2005 Super Bowl, the last 15 years of Flyers hockey, 2006 Phillies, 1980 Eagles, the list goes on and on...

You Fuckers Are Ruining The Marathon: A Guest Post by Gent Nicely

2007-06-27T18:13:00.000-07:00

[Editor's Note: The following is a rant by a Mr. Gent Nicely. This man cares about running. The rest of us, frankly, couldn't care less.]

Hey guys, long time listener, first time caller. Little about me, I lack the coordination or temperament for team sports and so I run. And you pricks are ruining it! I gotta lot of problems with you people, and YOU'RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT!!! I figure I can do this one of two ways. An overlong, meandering, inchoate expression of blistering curmudgeonry with at least one ridiculously flawed metaphor, or a series of well thought out, concise pieces about all the things that stick in my craw and elsewhere, but that's really Jason's turf, and I wouldn't want to mess with his little fiefdom of the mind. Here goes nothin'!

1. Stay Out Of The Marathon, Deadbeat!
History lesson, the first guy to run a marathon goddamn DIED. Yea. And now celebrities, fatties, and fat celebrities are cheapening one of the most meaningful and apocryphal parts of my sport's history. A marathon is a grueling, brutal trial of your own endurance and self denial. It's not supposed to be a media event, in which you make that Burberry-draped, pet Tanqueray salesman of yours hold a Ziploc bag to collect your piss. You piss on the ground, just like everybody else! You hear me, Diddy! Piss on the ground! Next!

2. You Are Not a Runner.
No, you're not. yes, you are capable of running, much the same way that a blind, stumbling, placenta caked baby calf is. And the only mother cow who's going to lick your coat clean of flabby, squodgy afterbirth of fat and laziness is you. And given the choice between metaphorically or literally licking uterine lining off a cow, most of you would probably go with the latter, you sick lazy fucks. Completing a charity fun run, 5k or even, say, a marathon doesn't make you a runner. It makes you an obstacle to the real runners in the race. 26 miles isn't far. You can walk that in 6 hours, so if you can't get 26 miles out from under you in less than 3, you probably should just stay at home, licking the Helmann's jar clean. If you don't look like the unholy product of the coupling of a freshly released Holocaust survivor and a slutty strip of beef jerky, you don't stand a chance out there. That little attention hogging 8 year old, who's just *got* to muscle his way to the front, is lucky that runners are nimble, light and able to hurdle a 4 foot obstacle. That 'roided out leviathan? Congratulations, your calves are thicker than my neck. Muscle is dead weight, meatstick, and by running all you're doing is burning it up. I'm sick of circumnavigating you at the quarter mile mark. You probably think I'm being a sour bastard at this point. Imagine if you will one of your Ty Cobbs or Jackie Robinsons going out to catch a fly ball, and getting low bridged by some toddler dicking around in the outfield. Or Lebron or Kobe or Kanye or whoever the fuck trying to fight his way down the lane through a pack of frat brothers trying to raise enough money for charity to not get kicked out of their house for date raping freshmen. You'd want some exclusivity to your sport too.

3. This Is Not 'Nam, There Are Rules!

Although no one explains them running has pretty clear Do's and Do Not Do's. Do Not Swerve In Front Of Someone Trying To Pass You. This isn't Ben Hur, and you aren't Charleton Heston, and if you are you're a human piece of despicable crap anyway. If I'm running faster than you, I am going to pass you, and there is nothing you can do about it other than make me want to throw you into the nearest tree or lightpole. You want to pull that shit on a racecourse, fucko, paint a bunch of corporate logos on your car, join NASCAR, wreck and die. DoLose Graciously To A Girl. You're in an endurance sport. Women don't stand a fucking chance. The Men's world record is 13:19 for the 5k. Women's 14:24. And it's not because girls get barbies instead of trainers in school. The people who set those records never heard of Barbie, and probably didn't have shoes for most of their lives either. They had goats. If they're lucky. And now here you are, supposedly carrying around a Y chromosome and getting edged out by a woman. If you aren't running 17:00 or better there's nothing you can do to save face right now. You're in terrible shape. If you throw down every measly bit of exertion you'd been saving up like a hibernating camel (They do. The fact that you don't know only shows you're ignorant.) not only are you physically a waste of time and space (In the Fooouuurrth dimension!) but you're basically saying that you have an 8-year old's insecurities when competing against girls. Hope you got your cootie shot before the race, dick.

4. I'm Not Running "For" Anything
Running is about the only sport, correction, only REAL sport, (Nascar, Skelton, and Luge don't count, and you know it) in which every competitor is on his own against a huge field of others. It attracts loners and misanthropes like an abandoned cabin in the middle of the Mojave, stacked with guns, whiskey, and Bukowski. Just because I have a shirt that says cancer, or prostate, or whatever on it, does not mean I give a damn about any of these charities, or the people they help. I'm there to compete with myself, for myself. I'm trying to think of a cause despicable enough to illustrate my point, but all I can come up with is a mental image of a card-carrying NAMBLA member, standing in front of the open door of the furnace to some sort of steam engine, with a shovel full of little kittens. And he doesn't tip well. I would pay that man $15 to run in a race that he sponsored to allow him to keep doing what he's doing. $20 if the T shirt is cool looking.

5. I Like Skinny Girls, Ok!
I stand 5'11" and weigh 147lbs. Fully clothed. My body fat after coming off a long, inactive winter was 7%. I've named my ribs. And I eat like a goddamn bear. Or, proportinally to my weight, a bird. Look it up! But somehow I'm a shallow perpetrator of unhealthy body image because I think that paris hilton is the only person on the planet unattractively skinny. You show me a guy who wants a woman that weighs more than him, and I'll show you one of my wierd maternal cousins that we don't really talk to. My options are limited! Get off my back, Brewer! Ok. that felt good. See you guys probably this weekend, if I ever get my damn car fixed.

- Gent Nicely

The Best Just Got Better!

2007-06-27T17:49:00.000-07:00

The reasons no one has posted in a week? Trade talks.

After the Celtics and the Lakers dropped the ball on KG we made our move. We've got a three-way deal that would bring in KG and we'd only be losing Jason and a blogger to be named later.

Anyway, new look here at Forty Minutes of Hell. Not that much different, just a bit of a clean up.

The comments section looks a lot better. So feel free to tell us what you think.

Canadian Beer Sucks Too

2007-06-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

Its time for my favorite sporting event, a USA-Canada international. Most of the time this epic battle gets relegated to the ice where the Canucks dominate us in hockey. Every once in a while though we get the maple syrup lovers in a game that we can dominate (see the ass whipping the original Dream Team put on Canada at the old Alamo Dome in 1992).

The semi-finals of the Gold Cup have drawn the United States and Canada. Canada has been a somewhat surprising semifinalist. Led by Julian De Guzman of Deportivo La Coruna they have played some of the best football in the tournament. On the other hand the US National Team has played well enough to win. The big question is can the Canadians playing the best football their country has seen beat a US team that looks like shit?

Quite frankly (STEPHEN A SMITH) all the US team needs to do is show up to win the game. Don't let any of the hype by the socialist Canadian media worry you. The US should win by sheer force of our developed military industrial complex. While the Canadian National Team sits back complaining about our every move and watching Trailer Park Boys the US is driving towards world domination. We are trying to spread democracy while the Canadians are busy giving old people cheap medication, you hear that cheap medication. Next thing you know good wholesome American teenage dramas will be replaced with Degrassi and all its incarnation. I'll tell you this Canada I don't need somebody with a funny accent telling the youth of America about date rape.

Its a slippery slope with the Canadians and their backwards culture and we can stop this by a total victory in Chicago.

My prediction Canada wins 2-1 on a goal by Dwayne De Rosario. Don't blame me when your kids are wearing Maple Leafs jersey's, listening to Avril Lavigne, and drinking Labatt Blue I tried to warn you.

You Can't Fight In Here, This Is The War Room!

2007-06-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

I spent this past weekend at some lake in Western Maryland [not Vegas and J-Bug and House weren't there], which meant I watched only about 1/3 of the sports that I usually do. With that aside, I still haven't seen much coverage of the Derek Lee/Chris Young bench-clearing brawl on Saturday. Just an article or two, a Jay Mariotti rant, a segment on ATH/PTI and that's about it. Two Major League Baseball players swinging at each other, Carlos Zambrano taking off his belt, and every other player on the field and we get yet another "boys will be boys" shrug of the shoulders from sports media and the general public?

Had this fight taken place on a 94' x 50' area of hardwood, however, the sports media as well as American sports fans would be up in arms. They would be calling for season-long suspensions. They would be calling for player bans. They'd be calling for a drastic overhaul of league rules. In fact, this is what happens every time there is a fight in the NBA.

If Ralph Wiley were still alive, he'd be writing this. Except, you know, a lot better and much more professional.

This double standard in sports happens all the time.

The NFL is big brother, so everything slides. The entire Bengals’ roster gets arrested and then people start to notice. And one team gets the blame. Pacman Jones shows white America what "makin' it rain" is all about and it's just one thug. Meanwhile ESPN shows NFL Live three times a day, every day, even in the off-season, because we need to know about mini-camp for some reason.

Major League Baseball is America's Pastime. Fights happen. Brush back pitches happen. Maybe a few guys get suspended, but for the most part no one seems to care. Baseball even looked the other way on steroid abuse for more than a decade and is only now holding witch-hunts in a lame attempt to save face. Once they string Giambi and Bonds up everything will be all right and the past will fix itself, you'll see!

But in the NBA nothing slides. When the NBA Finals aren't very entertaining [see: this season] they say the system has to be changed. They say the product is no good. But no one was saying that last October when the Cardinals became the most unimpressive and least talented team to ever win the World Series.

When a fight breaks out in the NBA the media goes crazy. Fifteen game suspension handed down to Carmelo Anthony for being involved in a "fight" during this past NBA season was seen by some as too lenient. He slapped a dude in the face and then ran away. Lee and Young get five games in a season that is twice as long for the same thing and most everyone is all right with that?

There's a very good reason behind all of this. The NBA is seen as a "black league.” The MLB isn't. The NFL isn't.

When most of your fan-base is white, you're going to have trouble marketing a "black league.” You're going to have trouble getting people to tune in. You're going to have trouble in getting people to relate to the league. And all this happens, to an extent, with the NBA. But there is also another standard by which the NBA is held.

In the 70s, before the arrival of Bird and Magic, the NBA was seen as a bunch of coked-up black guys who could jump really high. Then Larry Legend, Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan changed a lot of that, but not for good.

Now, the league is once again unjustly looked down upon. It's viewed as a league of over-paid, apathetic thugs. Everyone waits for the NBA to falter, and then points it out. People wait for LeBron James to be a bust and yell out "I told you so" instead of waiting for him to do something amazing. The media is far more interested in Kobe Bryant as the self-involved head case instead of Kobe Bryant as (arguably) the best professional athlete on the face of the planet.

And it doesn't seem as this is going to change any time soon. The NBA keeps skewing younger. The culture is a youth culture. And that scares the old white men who are writing columns about the league and who are running the TV stations that televise the league.

The NBA isn't obsessed with itself quite in the same way that other sports are. Major League Baseball worships its own past like a religion. And don’t you dare blaspheme that for some reason the present might be more important than the past. In the same way, the NFL takes itself way too seriously. You cannot question Big Brother because the league is Number One. You cannot challenge the decisions handed down by the NFL. It’s football’s world, we’re just paying rent.

The NBA stills realizes what they are doing out there, which is in some ways oddly refreshing. This is a game. It's a business. It’s about fun. It means nothing more than that. It isn't holding America together. It isn't the end all be all.

Maybe this is the reason that the NBA is looked down upon. Maybe it is really because the NBA is just a league that is having fun not taking itself too seriously. Maybe the MLB and the NFL have to take a step back and realize it's just a game. It's there for entertainment. It's not any more important than that.

Or maybe we're just all really afraid of black people.

Sic Semper Tony Parker!

2007-06-15T10:17:00.000-07:00

So that's it. Seven and a half months of NBA all wrapped up in a nice little dominant performance. Tim Duncan gets his fourth ring. Robert Horry gets his seventh. America gets a French Finals MVP. The Cavs get Mike Brown.

I suppose this letdown was inevitable. This Spurs team was too good. Easily the best of the four championship teams. No one was going to beat them. In reality the Cavs had played over their heads to get there. They weren't ready to compete against a team like San Antonio. Not yet at least. So where go these teams go now?

The Spurs aren't looking to get any worse. They aren't losing anyone, their best players are at the peaks of their careers right now. There's no reason (barring an unforeseen injury) to think this team can't come back and do this again next year. You know, except for the fact they've never been able to come back and do it again next year.

The West is going to be just as touch next season, just expect some big changes. Dallas will look to make a move or two. Nothing huge, but defiantly something to shake things up. Something to shake off the funk of the last two post-seasons. The Lakers will get Kobe the help he needs, but who knows if it will be enough. Other than installing a new offense, the Rockets look to come back with a lot of the same lineup, but hopefully more of a hop in their collective step. Denver has an entire off-season to let their team gel. And look for Phoenix and Golden State to make some big moves, as both teams realize they have to win now or never.

Younger teams will pop up in the West. Portland could makes some waves, but I don't see them doing much damage yet. And just like every year in the wild, Wild West, they'll battle it out to see who gets to take on a sub par team from the East.

As for the Eastern Conference, it doesn't look like the 2007-2008 season is the one in which we see a swing of power. Not by a long shot. But that isn't to say that things won’t improve. There are a lot of teams in the East on the rise.

Cleveland has quite a season to be proud about, but they've also got a lot of work to do. This isn't a championship contender. Not quite yet. The problem is that they don't have a lot of moves they can make. They’ve got to try something though. If they don’t improve, and quickly, expect to see LeBron playing somewhere else in two years.

They have a core that they can build around, but they need more. Boobie Gibson played well in the post-season. And that wasn't a surprise to anyone but Mike Brown. Anderson and Drew Gooden can stick around as well. Other than that, they've got to mix it up and move some pieces around. They might still be building, but the East is getting better and better.

The Heat looks to have at least one more run left in them, but they're going to have to contend with the likes of Toronto and Chicago. Detroit's best days are behind them, but that isn't to say they can't resign Billups and try to will their way to the Finals. What happens in the East will depend on a lot of the big names that are being speculated about, particularly KG and The Matrix. If one or both those players end up in the East, the dynamic of the entire conference is shifted. The East can shift from a potential 2 or 3 contenders to a solid 5 or 6, depending on how the draft/trades go down.

As for the league itself, the NBA has to take a long hard look at some of its policies this off-season. Flopping has got to go. Stern's mustache needs to come back. They need to do something about the playoffs. This might be as simple as reseeding, just like every other major sport in America. They need to take another look at the stupid "no leaving the bench" rule. They really just need to sit down and look at the product and figure out how - in some cases - its gotten so bad and how they can fix it.

As for now, we take a long needed break from the NBA. And hope to God that the Spurs don't try to take over the world. Because I'm not sure we can stop them.

Are You Trying to Sell Me Haitians in a Cuban Wrapper?

2007-06-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

The world may stop holding its breath. Children may return to school and our regularly scheduled programming will resume. All the members of the Haitian U17 soccer team who attempted to defect to the US in the last day or so have "pussied-out," so to speak, and have returned to their team and, eventually to the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Personally, I find the most amazing part of this story is that anyone actually came back. How do you work up the balls to defect from your fucking country and then sour on the idea within a matter of days?

Leave it to the Cubans to show their Carribean neighbors to really defect. The most interesting part of the story is its contrast with the Haitian one; there are no concerned parties (granted, we're not talking sixteen-year olds in this one) or miffed diplomats. Apparantly the Cuban government's attitude towards defecting athletes has now been officially redefined as "fuck 'em."

Furthermore, coach Raul Gonzalez is now my linguistic hero. I oneday also hope to answer questions by first angrily stating that I will not answer it, thank you very much, and then directly answering it with a bizzare, borderline nonsensical Daoist sayings. You have been put on notice, people I know.

Sometimes you just can't find an appropriate picture. Sometimes you use a picture from "Song of the South." Can you feel the inherent racism in the air tonight?

NEVER! I REPEAT NEVER! Try to WALK to Dodger Stadium. NEVER...

2007-06-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

As anyone on my email chains already knows... my boss has decided to dedicate his day to mowing his lawn and picking his Father-in-Law up from the airport so I have found motivation to continue my baseball stadium reviews.

So we left off after my last adventure with a dutch kid to Anaheim stadium, I took a few days off from baseball and then on Wednesday morning I set off from Anaheim to attempt a long public transit adventure across the vast expanse of LA sprawl to the baseball holy land that lay in Chavez Ravine.

I decided to check with the locals on the easiest way to Dodger Stadium and luckily none of them had the heart to tell me the truth... there is no such thing as an easy way to Dodger Stadium. So after meeting a lot of crazy locals and riding two buses and two trains and walking about 1.5 miles in a total of two and a half hours I had finally made it... to Chinatown.

On a map of LA Chinatown is the closest neighborhood to Dodger Stadium only about a mile or so to walk it, but after walking through crazy pet stores, bootleg clothing and karaoke DVDs I found no one that could tell be the best approach to walking that one mile. I decided to take a break and have a Tsing-Tao in the Golden Dragon where I caught the first 5 innings of Sox-Yanks with the owner who's grasp of the English language consisted of "Chang-Ming Wang" and "very good." Suffice to say I had four beers and very little conversation before just calling in a favor of Mel to talk be through the hike with the use of Google Maps.

The only approach to the stadium that was not on a freeway was to slide down the side of Chavez Ravine through the backyard of some vacant lots. This was scary and apparently (as I learned afterwards) totally covered in poison ivy/oak/sumac (which I now have the worst case in the history of man kind.) But after the slide/tumble down the cliff (the one behind the stadium with the green in the poster.) I hike through the traffic and numerous parking lots to the front gate of Dodger Stadium with 15 minutes left before first pitch!

The stadium is super huge and gorgeous. If you sit in the upper deck of come in through the front gate the entrance is awe-inspiring. Your enter the stadium from the very top deck behind home plate to take in the field, the two scoreboards (old LED board and new HD video screen) with the lovely green foothills behind the single deck of bleachers in the outfield. The left field hills feature letters in a HOLLYWOOD sign-esque style, which say "THINK BLUE" in large Dodger blue letters that are well lit and provide a cool signature besides the amazing baseball that has taken place on the field and the well publicized traffic.

The one down side to the large stadium is that on a weekday night game against the Brewers, it can feel really empty. The crowd was a respectable 37,000 but in a stadium that holds 55+ it sure shows when there are 20,000 empty seats!

Overall the stadium has a great vibe and knowledgeable fans that love their team and have this wonderfully understated hatred of the Giants and all things associated with the Giants. As the man seated next to me, listening to the Giants game on am radio stated, "Oh its okay I don't hate Giants fans, they'll all burn in hell anyways." Totally calm and totally serious! It was a highlight.

As for the Dodger dogs... they are pretty good but seem to be living off their catchy name. They are long and made by Farmer John but kinda skinny and not juicy enough for a ballpark dog. The food and beverage and tickets are on the higher end... I made the big mistake of not sitting in the all you can eat bleacher seats for 40 bucks!! But there were Tecate 24s for 10.50, dogs for 5.75 and my seat in the second row of the top deck behind home plate was 28 bucks. But NEVER NEVER walk there!

Ribery You Gonna Be The Death of Me

2007-06-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

Football is a sport populated by phenomenal athletes that most of the times look like romance novel covermodels. From time to time though some of the ugliest human beings in the world play the "Beautiful Game". The first column in this collection is about the kinf of ugly Franck "Freddy Krueger" Ribery.

Recently, Ribery was transferred to sleeping Bundesliga giants Bayern Munich. Most football fans remember Ribery from the World Cup playing on the left wing for France. He is the heir apparent to the playmaker role of Zidane's on the French National team. On the field Ribery is a tremendous player that combines pacy runs and control passing. Bayern is going to use Ribery to give them more width and pace. Absolutely one of the more entertaining and skillful players on the European scene.

However, never watch a game that Ribery is involved in drunk or on anyother mind-altering drug. Watching Ribery play football is like watching a 90 minute horror movie. The plot appears to be that Ribery uses football skills that he developed after being stabbed in the face with a sodering iron to infiltrate large stadiums. Once in these stadiums Ribery plays 90 minutes of football without incident, then in the locker room he murders backroom staff. At a former club in Turkey he murdered 37 towel boys and one boot changer. During his time at Marseille he went on a Ted Bundy style killing spree in which he buried 12 female attendants in a locker.

So watch out ladies, young boys, and cats of the greater Munich area. You are in store for the greatest killing spree Deutschland has seen since Germany played Argentina in U21 action and Carlos "Carlitos" Tevez killed 14 mastodons with a rock and one of those baseball bat style clubs. Get the joke he looks like a caveman.

Kauffman Stadium...Outfielders Hell!!!

2007-06-11T10:58:00.001-07:00

Congratulations select readers of the 'Forty Minutes Insider' Club, I will now inform you as to why the Kansas City Royals are terrible.

Drumroll please...

Kauffman Stadium!

Literally may be the worst stadium design I've ever seen...and I grew up going to Phillies games at the Vet.

Ok, so here's the deal. I was watching the Philthies two days ago, with Jon Lieber pitching what would become a gem of a complete game shutout. The game started at 7:10 EST, which, I thought, was the same time in KC. Turns out I was wrong, and that they are an hour behind. Mistake #1.

The thing is, when you start a game at Kauffman Stadium on a sunny day with two and a half odd hours of sunlight left, you may as well do that trick little kids do to ants where they burn them under a magnifying glass. Its literally like taking six blind people and saying 'Hey guys, wanna play outfield in the major leagues?'

Needless to say, when you combine the power of the sun with outfielders that already play like they are blind, you have problems. The starting outfield consists of: At Center, David De 'The Real' Jesus, at Left Joey Gaith'wrong', and in right Mark Teahen. Mark Teahen isn't even deserving of a nickname because his last name is Teahen. Make it two words. It's funny. Tea hen.

So back to the game. As I watched the first...oh...two innings, I watched Gaithwrong commit two of the silliest errors I've ever seen. He was literally right under the ball and the ball of fire blinded him as he simultaneously realized he has no talent and he dropped the ball.

Trust me, it gets even more mysterious. The Phils won because of Lieber, and the so-called 'errors'...non-existent. I don't know if they HAVE scorekeepers at 'The K' (which just adds more irony to the debacle that is the Kansas City Royals...), but it certainly doesn't seem like it.

And as an added bonus, not only do the outfielders get to contend with the sun, but they also have to contend with...WATERFALLS!!! THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF GALLONS OF PURE UNADULTERATED WATER FROM THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER*. Now I must admit, having waterfalls in the outfield is definitely cool. But not if you're an outfielder! Why would you want that gushing sound invading your ear drums?

So, in review,
WATERFALLS: Cool looking, not for drinking out of, loud.
SUN: Bright, hot, menacing, full of Machismo.

And thus ends my analysis of Kauffman Stadium. If they ever rename it, they should rename it Purgatory Plaza, because it feels heavenly due to the waterfalls, but blinding sun is there to remind you that you play for the KC Royals...which is hell.

As an addendum to my last post...acquiring Jose Mesa was, as predicted, a horrendous idea. He threw two wild pitches which scored two runs, and looks a lot older and worse than the Joe I used to know and love. I don't even want to look at the strike/ball ratio, because its embarrassing.

That's all for now, back to work. Have a great day, and be happy you aren't a Royals fan! (Or if you are...God bless your sad, sad soul.)

*Maybe...that was just a guess...could easily be the Missouri River too.

Rolling Off a Horse Onto a Slightly Smaller Horse

2007-06-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

The Gold Cup is a hard tournament to follow. Not only to you have to have Fox Soccer Channel and copious amounts of free time, you also have to have the willpower to watch people from Trinidad and Tobago attempt to compete. Furthermore, you have to pronounce everyone's full names in order to communicate with other human beings. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I had very few tables at the bar yesterday and started trying to come up with nicknames. Furthermore, remember the movie Feivel? So far everyone I've talked to has remembered the name of the movie as Feivel and not as An American Tail. Even more interesting is that the most in-depth plot anyone has remembered has been "he has to save his friend," which I have estimated to be roughly 40% correct. Chew on that for awhile, then proceed bravely onwards...

Frankie Hejduk - The Bone Diggity

Carlos Bocanegra - The Captain's Daughter Carlos Bocanegra

Pablo Mastroeni - Pablo Pigasso. That is the worse joke I've ever made, but since I stole it, everything's gravy.

Benny Feilhaber - Soccer Jew 5000

Michael Bradley - This picture comes up when you enter "nepotism" into Google image search. Therefore Bradley is now The Vinyl Experience.

Eddie Johnson - The Balls

Taylor Twellman - Feivel, if only as an excuse to run this picture.

Justin Mapp - Foodboner, which is shockingly safe to search for on Google Image Search. Try it, but remember I don't vouch for anything past the first page.

So there's some things for you to chew on, if you happen to be in a chewing (chewy?) mood. Also, I'm thinking of breaking some new ground and maybe doing a running diary of the NBA Draft. As a Celtics fan, I look to give you some insight and commentary you can't find anywhere else. Also, I plan to be very, very drunk before the draft even starts, so that'll be fun for everyone. Expect Hemingway-esque prose and sharp, perhaps even cutting insights. Expect me to also borrow someone else's laptop because mine gets uncomftorable when moved from my desk. Expect me to attack Grant if the C's draft anyone Chinese, and not in a fun-loving, pissing on his desk at five in the morning way.

I Thought This Was America

2007-06-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

This just in: Major League Baseball has declared war on the city of Chicago. No word yet what this has to do with the ongoing steroid investigation. Jason Giambi could not be reached for comment as he was dousing himself with water at the time.

Ted Lilly was ejected from a game against the Braves on Sunday night a mere two outs into the first inning. When questioned as to why he ejected Lilly without warning, home plate umpire Jim Wolf claimed he "knew [Lilly] would do it" and that he was "waiting for it". Umm. Alright. Apparently Jim Wolf can now see the future.

Following Lilly's ejection, Atlanta's Edgar Renteria punched Mike Fontenot in the face on a hard slide into second base. Renteria was allowed to stay in the game.

Lilly's ejection comes on the heels of two noteworthy Chicago suspensions this past week. Last Sunday, Cub's manager Lou Pinella was suspended for kicking dirt onto third base umpire Mark Wegner. On Saturday, Chicago White Sox's A.J. Pierzynski was suspended one game for throwing a batting helmet in the general vicinity of the home plate umpire in a game against the Yankees.

There you have it. Cold, hard facts. The man is keeping the Second City down. Look for Bud Selig to suspend Tank Johnson an additional eight games in the 2007 season.

NBA Roundup: Does Marion-era Sauce Go With Lobster?

2007-06-10T12:25:00.000-07:00

Some NBA news and notes hours before Game 2 of the NBA Finals. Why did you have to schedule Game 2 head to head against The Sopranos, Stern? LeBron and Duncan vs. Tony? It's too tough a call right now, but I'm betting most people go with The Sopranos. And if Game 1 were any indication, they're not likely to turn over the ABC at 10:00pm. Anyway, on to some non-Finals news.

1. The Boston Globe is reporting that the Celtics are shopping around their No. 5 pick in this year's draft. Probably a wise decision, if they can get someone like Shawn Marion. At the 5 spot, the best player on the board is most likely going to end up being Florida's Corey Brewer. The last thing the C's need is another small forward, so why not look elsewhere. Marion would fit in really well in Boston, and would bring some much needed help for Paul Pierce. With Marion on board, the Celtics can continue to develop their young talent while not letting Paul Pierce's best years go to waste.

HOWEVER, these are the Celtics, and I wouldn't be surprised to see this end in (yet another) disaster. It all depends on how dead set Boston is on getting rid of the pick. If this alleged Marion deal were to fall apart, the C's could always get a little to anxious with that No. 5 pick and trade it away in a terrible deal. Does anyone have an alcoholic with an awful contract they're looking to unload?

2. The sound you heard earlier this afternoon was that of the collective panic in the greater D.C. area. Today, Gilbert Arenas told the Washington Post that he's going to opt out of his current contract with the Washington Wizards following the 2007-2008 NBA season. Arenas is claiming it's "just business" and he very well could be using this as leverage for a bigger deal to stay in D.C. But remember, this is Agent Zero. Who knows what he's thinking? He can do anything and I don't think anyone would be surprised. This can't feel good for Wiz fans.

It should be interesting to see how Zero performs in his contract year. Can he continue to improve his game? Can he carry Washinton deep into the playoffs? Can the Wizards contend in the East against the likes of Chicago, Miami, Cleveland and Toronto? The drama unfolds only on TNT!

The Triumphant Return of Joey Table!!!

2007-06-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

[Editor's Note: Pictures removed not only because Grant can't resize any picture, but also because the one's he picks don't work. Well done.]

Let me preface this post by saying that I'm including this picture of Joey on the Pirates A) Because I think its funny and he looks overly happy, and B) Just so we remember that he once pitched for the Pirates...along with the majority of the rest of the MLB.

...But seriously JOEY TABLE IS COMING BACK! How sad is it to be a Phillies fan, hopeful and excited to hear of 72 year old Jose Mesa's return*? And wholeheartedly believe that it might actually help the team's closing woes? The answer, of course, is very sad. Honestly though, when your current closer, the third of the young season, is Antonio Alfonseca, who wouldn't another Dominican back on the team? Plus, if its Dirty Joe, you know you'll enjoy making fun of him.

So the Phillies made the inevitable dumb move and allegedly signed Table. Jose has now played for nine teams, and I really feel like putting all of his team photos in this blog, because they all are hilarious. For now, here's one from the Rockies.
I can't figure out how to make the picture smaller, but having it big makes him seem even more joyful. And, as an added bonus, I found his stock photo from his days (now numbered) on the Detroit Tigers, further proving that he has perfected what I like to call the 'Table Smirk'.

I mean seriously...someone must have just photoshopped a different hat on his head, or else this mans expression is unchanging.

Who knows what lies in store for Jose's triumphant return to the Phillies, but I for one am excited. I am probably the only one excited, being that the Mesa's season stats are currently 1-1 with a 12.34 ERA in 16 games for the Tigers (who bought out his contract last Sunday), but nonetheless I know I will not be wanting to fly to Philadelphia and yell at Charlie Manuel everytime I see Alfonseca in the pen when we have a lead in the ninth.

Chances are this will be a brief encounter with Jose (please God let it be), because Flashy Flash and Smiley Myers are slated to come back soon. Though I know this acquisition could and probably will be disasterous, embrace it. We don't know how much more time we will have with this gem of a closer, and his veteran optimism should be welcomed in the pigpen that is Phillies relief. Hey, at least there'll be someone there that we know. I swear if I have to see 24 year old fat phenom Mike Zagurski or Rebel Yoel Hernandez relieve again, I'm going to try out for the Phillies come next spring training.

In closing, remember the good times we've had with Jose. Pitching on the same team as Albert Bell in two World Series with the Cleveland Indians. A gun charge which was reduced in 2000. Seeing him in your local dive bar drinking cheap tequila. My my, it's been quite the career Jose, and I've loved every minute of it.

Call me sometime and we'll do some shots of Montezuma, cause God knows at least one of us would enjoy it.

*Jose Mesa is actually a youthful 41.

Afternoon Football

2007-06-05T15:13:00.000-07:00

So I had the day off of work and I decided to watch some football on DirecTV. I'll give a rundown of the three games that I watched today sparingly.

Game 1: Brazil vs Turkey (International Friendly)

Not going to lie I watched about 10 minutes of this borefest. It was Brazil playing a friendly in a strange European location against mediocre European competition, that means boring, lazy football. The big picture of the game is that Brazil has really begun to take the personality of coach, Dunga. Dunga in the late 80's basically invented the position of holding midfielder playing in Italy and for Brazil. In 1994, he captained the weakest Brazil squad in years to a World Cup title. In his brief reign Dunga has used more hardened central midfielders such as Gilberto Silva and Edmilson. This Brazil team in much more focused on organization and creating a hostile midfield environment. I like this new Brazil team and I have to think they will do well in the Copa America later this month.

Game 2: Pro Evolution Soccer 2007 on XBox 360

Got back to my addiction after becoming bored by the Turkish attack. I basically play Winning Elevens every single day but I can't figure out which team I'm going to be for the games version of a dynasty mode. Not being able to pick a team has been the biggest problem I've had this summer. I'm really upset about this and I need help. Somebody suggest a team for me to play as in either the Dutch League, EPL, La Liga, or Serie A. Any advice will be considered.

Game 3: England U21 vs Slovakia U21

Only real observation I have on this game is that Ashley Young of Aston Villa is quite the player. Also David Nugent of Preston should be in the Premiership.

The highlight of the day for me is a fantastic cream of broccili soup I had for dinner. I think that soup is the best thing that has happened to me in the last month. My life has become extremely boring but the benefit to you is that I will be watching a ton of soccer. Look for a report of the US National Team's Copa America opener against Guatemala.

Time to search the fridge for some ice cream. Life is good.

Early Copa America News

2007-06-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

The good folks over at LASoccernews.com posted Landon Donovan's thoughts on the upcoming Copa America in Venezula. Landon is one of the 13 players that, not interim, manager Bob Bradley has asked to take part in both of the big summer tournaments the CONCACAF Gold Cup as well as the Copa. The fearless captain of the US National Team Landon is a little lukewarm on the idea of going to Venezula and testing his metal against world class South American opponents. Our boys open up against a rumored to be full strength Argentina squad.

Landon has given the absolute bullshit reason that he wants to focus on his club career at the Galaxy. Currently the Galaxy are second from bottom in the MLS Western Conference. The real story here is that by the end of the Copa America, David Beckham will arrive in LA to take over the world of US Soccer. Landycakes is very afraid of losing his position in the MLS as the golden boy. Beckham will be the center of attention in the MLS but he will still play on a team captained by Landon.

Here is where my problem lies with Landon, he is a gigantic pussy. He couldn't cut it in Germany because he missed his girlfriend, his dog, the SoCal weather, tanning, and surfing. So now he plays against lesser competition than a man of his talent should and is letting his career stagnate. The one place Landon had shown up is for the National Team. Despite not challenging and improving himself, Landon has also been on the team sheet for the USA but not anymore. The captain of our National Team can't be bothered to come to Venezula and captain his team against superior competition.

Bob Bradley needs to drop Landon for a couple of years, just drop him from the team. Let Jozy Altidore come into the team and show what he can do. Our national setup can't allow a SoCal wussbag lead the red, white, and blue out onto the field. For a minority of sports fans in this country the National Team is soccer. I'm a huge Chelsea FC fan but they aren't my team. I wasn't born in West London I've never even been to the country. My team is the National Team, I'm American and this is my football team. Give the captains armband to somebody who has a set of balls. Gooch, Cherundolo, Howard, or Duece anybody other than Landycakes. I shouldn't look at the captain as a coward but thats what he is now with Landy. I hated Claudio Reyna as the captian but at least he would show up for the big tournaments.

Landy Has Sand In His Vagina

On LeBron

2007-06-01T17:09:00.000-07:00

Player haters. Elevators. If you cross him...you'll die.

I've spent most of this afternoon trying to wrap my mind around last night's Game 5. I watched almost the entire game, and with four minutes to go the Cavs looked like they were falling apart. I wanted to watch the end, but I also had to catch a bus on my way to a friend's house. When I got off the bus, it was all tied up with something like nine seconds to go. In that short time on a PAT Bus, LeBron took over. He had decided it was time.

Being in Pittsburgh, FSN shows a lot of Cavs games. I've been watching more LeBron than just about anyone else in the league over these last few years. Every once in a while he puts up a game that makes you think he'll go down as the best ever, and then I talk about it for a week, and everyone tells me to shut up about it. This has been going on for the better part of three years.

On a national level, LeBron has been viewed almost as an underachiever. Dwayne Wade got the ring first. Throughout the first two rounds of the 2007 NBA Playoffs James (and his teammates) were hounded for playing uninspired. LeBron wasn't giving us a taste of what we saw last year. After Games 1 and 2 of the Detroit series it was more of the same. More "so this guy is supposed to be the Second Coming?"

I went into this series thinking LeBron and the Cavs had to lose. They had to get beaten down one more time by Detroit. In the NBA, you can't win until you lose. They would use this year's playoffs to learn a little more and come back next year even stronger.

Then Game 3 happened. He turned on a switch. He carried the team and got everyone involved. Game 4 was more of the same, there was no way in hell he was letting his team lose. What should have happened in this upcoming off-season was happening right now. He was learning. He was adjusting on the fly. He was getting better, not as his career progressed, but as this one series progressed.

And then Game 5.

I was up until well after 7:00AM this morning, sitting in the dark on a friend's couch, watching SportsCenter replays so I could see it again. I needed to. I spent hours this afternoon reading newspaper articles and blog posts about it. I took it all in, because it was something rare.

In Games 3 and 4, LeBron's team was playing well around him. Not great, but they were getting the job done. He was making them better. Gooden and Gibson had career games. But Game 5 was different. They needed something more. They needed LeBron to take over. And he did.

Reggie Miller put up 39 points in the '94 Playoffs against the Knicks. 25 of those game in the 4th quarter as he famously went back and forth with Spike Lee. Reggie had some shooters around him.

Jordan put up 63 in the Playoffs at The Garden. He did that because he had to. He had no one around him. And because of that, the Bulls lost to the Celtics. Once he got Pippen, it was still Jordan's team, but it was never fully a one-man show. When he demolished Phoenix in the '93 Finals, that was with some help around him.

Last night King James had no help. In the 4th quarter and the two overtime periods he was a one-man team. He was literally playing 1-on-5. And he still couldn't be stopped. He single handedly crushed one of the best defensive teams in the NBA. A team that was playing in its fifth consecutive Eastern Conference Finals. A team that looked to make easy work of the Cavs after going up 2-0.

On May 7, 1989 Jordan hit a jumper over Craig Ehlo at the buzzer. It would go down as one of the most memorable moments of Jordan's career and in NBA history. It would also more or less destroy the Cleveland Cavilers' franchise for more than a decade.

Then came LeBron.

Last night was the end of all that. No matter what happens in this series, the Cavs are back. It will be almost impossible for Detroit to come back from that kick in the stomach. But there's always a chance. But that's no matter. What happened last night was not about the 2007 season. It was about the future. It was about the years to come. It was something more than the flashes of brilliance that LeBron has shown us all before. It was something a little more concrete. It was something a little more tangible. It meant a little bit more.

This was as much about the Cavs franchise as it was about LeBron. Jordan saved the Bulls. LeBron is here to save the Cavs.

They now have a chance to roll through Detroit in Game 6. Which has a good chance of happening. And then they have to play the Spurs. No matter what happens, the Cavs will still be the underdog. Odds are they will lose a Best of Seven against San Antonio. And even if that happens, at least now we know how a resurrection really feels.

NBA Roundup: We Welcome Our Spurs Overlords

2007-05-31T15:21:00.000-07:00

I watch the NBA so you don't have to. Last night was one of those times and it's a good thing you didn't watch. With one half of the NBA Finals in place and the other up in the air, it's time for the little Playoff breakdown.

San Antonio vs. Utah

This series showed a lot of promise going in. The Jazz had been dominant at home. So too had the Spurs. The looked like they could match up pretty well, especially in the front court. Even though they were young, the Jazz looked as if they could make some noise, but no one really thought they could win the series. So once again, with a talented lot of players - Boozer and Williams in particular had an amazing series - Jerry Sloan can't get it done. It's a story that's happened over and over again. But of course, no one questions Sloan. No one calls him out for not coming up big when it counts. No one compares him to someone like Marty Schottenheimer. But I digress. The real story here is Tim Duncan and his continued brilliance. You can call out the Spurs for dirty players (Bowen) or cheap players (Manu), but you can't say a bad word about Duncan. He's been the best player in the NBA over the last decade and he's now well on his way to a fourth ring. It doesn't matter who comes out of the East, San Antonio is running on all cylinders now. Manu, Parker and Timmy D are just rolling over teams. Last night, Utah didn't even both to showing up, as I assume the network ratings will show us. It was an absolute beat down. Right now the Spurs are the favorite to win the 2007 NBA Finals. Also the 2008, and 2009, and 2010, etc.

Detroit vs. Cleveland

Cleveland comes back! LeBron is alive! The Eastern Conference Playoffs are exciting for once! Well until you remember that last year the Cavs went down 0-2 to Detroit, then won 3 in a row (including one in Detroit) and then proceeded to choke away the final two games of the series. Will this be a repeat of last season? If the Pistons decide to wake the fuck up, then yes. This series, thus far, has been decided by a few plays. It's tied up at 2-2, but each game could have gone either way. The Cavs could have already locked this up if LeBron showed up in Games 1 and 2. By that same token, if the 'Stons tried at all on the road, they could easily be up 3-1. The series breaker thus far has been Larry Hughes' injury. He had been playing terrible up until he broke his foot, but Mike Brown insisted on staying with him, because Mike Brown is an amazing head coach. Once Hughes went down, Gibson stepped up big. He became the player I've been saying he could be all season long. If Huges doesn't get hurt, Gibson doesn't see minutes, and Larry puts up a solid 5 points. Tonight's Game 5 should be an interesting one considering all the subplots that have come about over the last two games. Can the Pistons "flip the switch" and play solid ball again? Will Larry Hughes take up more of Gibson's minutes? Can LeBron keep it up and not just score, but get everyone else involved like he's been doing? Can the Cavs for the second year in a row steal a huge game on the road? I have a feeling that this series isn't going to come down to who shows up on a given night (LeBron or Chauncey or 'Sheed) but which coach implodes first. It's bound to happen. There's no way a series with "Mr. Potato Head" Mike Brown and Flip Saunders goes without some monumental coaching meltdown. It just can't. Look for that one coaching breakdown to be Hughes seeing at least 35 minutes tonight.

The Future!: An NBA Off-Season Preview

2007-05-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, even though the NBA Playoffs are in full swing (and by full swing I mean hoping we avoid the inevitable train wreck that will be another Spurs/'Stons series) it wouldn't hurt to look into the future, into the off-season and some things that really need to be addressed.

Flopping

This is first and foremost. Before they even look at the changing the "No Leaving The Bench" rule, the head office needs to do something about flopping in this league. It's gotten out of control. A lot of people are pointing at the foreign-born players, calling them soft, saying it has something to do with soccer or some such nonsense. But that’s not the case, flopping is across the board. It's not just foreign born players like Anderson and Manu (although he might be the king). It's Steve Nash. It's Dwayne Wade. It has become a viable defensive option. It has become a savvy offensive move. After Game 2 of the Detroit/Cleveland series, Rasheed called out Varejao for flopping. 'Sheed said that if he can get T'd up for just about everything he does, then floppers should be getting techs too. And he's right. When the post-season is all said and done, The Association needs to sit down and make this their first move. No more flopping.

Portland and The Mystery of The Number One Pick

Who do they take? Is it Oden or is it Durant? Big men win championships. Since Jordan retired for the second time, Shaq or Duncan has won all but one NBA Championship. So they go big, right? But what if history repeats itself? What if Oden is Sam Bowie to Durant's Jordan? As unlikely as that might be, it's really a win/win for the Trail Blazers. They're going to get a franchise guy no matter who they pick, but with a few moves, they could make an even bigger splash on draft day. Here's how: Atlanta lucked out and got both of the lottery picks they could have potentially lost. But with the No. 3 pick, they aren't going to get franchise-changing guy like Durant or Oden, so why not trade that pick and get a few things? This is where Portland comes in. They're trying to move Zach Randolph, so why not move him and Jarrett Jack to Atlanta for their No. 3? This gives Atlanta the big man they desperately need and a point guard (which they probably would have used their pick to draft). Meanwhile, Portland uses this No. 3 to draft Mike Conley Jr, thereby replacing Jack at the point. Atlanta gets a few parts they can definitely use (and still has a lottery pick), and Portland adds Colney and Oden to Aldridge and Roy, which gives them the scariest young core in the league. They really have to try and make this happen.

The Kobe Situation

ESPN's Ric Bucher has never said a bad word about Kobe Bryant. Seriously, look it up. I doubt you'll find one disparaging remark. He's now reporting that Kobe either wants Jerry West as his GM or he wants out of Los Angeles. Well played, Mamba. The only problem is that this is almost completely out of the Lakers' hands. The Logo stepped down as GM of the Grizz so he could retire. If he wants to go back to LA then he will, if he doesn't then he won't. On the other side of this is Kobe's trade demand, which is ridiculous. Not only would LA not trade him, they can't. There's no way. There's not one deal that any single team could offer that would be logical on the Lakers' behalf. I mean, think about it, what do you offer for the best basketball player on the planet? Even if they got a team's entire starting 5 they'd still be getting ten cents on the dollar. It's just an impossible deal to make, unless LA is fine with just cashing in their chips for the next decade. The other thing that makes this story so funny is Kobe bitching about the moves the front office has made. Sure, Mitch Kupchak hasn't been the greatest GM, but the worst move the Lake Show has made was trading away Shaq, and that was all Kobe. So basically look for Bucher to play this angle up, but nothing's going to come of it. You know, unless the Knicks offer LA their next 25 first rounders, which could actually happen.

Brown and Out

No matter how many more wins and how far the Cavs get this post season, it's clear they have to make some moves. They’re far from great and the East can’t stay this bad forever. They've got a lot of dead weight (see: Eric Snow), but they also don't really have any players they can package together and get someone like Shawn Marion or KG. One thing they can do, and have to do, is get rid of Mike Brown. My opinion on him went from "they can do better" to "dear God, he's killing this team" this post-season. There's no way a team with this kind of line-up, and no big guys to pound it in to the low post should be running half court sets like Brown has them using. They need to run. They need to open everything up. They need to get LeBron going in the open court. In Game 3, the Pistons couldn't guard LeBron in the transition. That's because no one can. He’s too big, he moves to quickly, he's too powerful. Yet Mike Brown refuses to use this to his advantage. Instead, when LeBron is hot, defenses run a zone or double/triple-team him, forcing someone else to beat them. It just doesn't work. I'm not saying they should be running and gunning like the Suns or the Dubs, but they really need to quicken the pace up, and Mike Brown isn't the one to do it. So for the sake of LeBron, Cleveland, and anyone who watches the NBA, the Cavs front office really has to get someone else in there.

NBA Roundup: LeBron Shows Up

2007-05-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

Some people take the day off on Memorial Day, but not here at Forty Minutes of Hell. Hell 2 Da Naw! Especially when I get scheduled to work, get up at 8 and show up only to find the building locked and no one inside. Good times. ANYWAY, on to a playoff roundup.

San Antonio vs. Utah

If they were to give out the Rookie of the Year award after the playoffs would Brandon Roy still receive all but one vote? Deron Williams has been stellar in these playoffs. Boozer has still been Utah's go-to guy, but Williams was the real difference maker in Game 3. Home court has been huge so far in this series. Utah has been the best home team in the playoffs thus far. Meanwhile, the Spurs haven't lost to the Jazz at home since 1999. It looks as like this series is going to go to the team that steals one on the road. Obviously that's easier said than done. Even though Utah made the series at bit more interesting with a Game 3 win, the Spurs are still in control. No matter what happens, you can't count out the team that has Tim Duncan. Ever.

Detroit vs. Cleveland

In Games 1 and 2 Cleveland basically blew an opportunity to win one on the road. It was the lack of LeBron and the third quarter collapses that sent them down 0-2. In Game 3, at The Q, that all changed. LeBron showed up (finally) with a convincing 32 points, 9 dimes and 9 boards. The rest of the Cavs played well too, avoiding that funk they experienced coming out of the half. And even Mike Brown didn't fuck up, going to Gibson instead of the struggling Eric Snow and Damon Jones. On the other hand, Detroit continued to play lackluster ball, showing that they can only get up for a game when their backs are against the wall. Cleveland - amazingly - has gotten into Chauncey Billups' head playing aggressive D and not letting him get his shots. He had 2 points in the entire first half. If LeBron can keep up this level of play and get his team involved, they can definitely make a series of this. But if Cleveland falls back to their old ways and Detroit goes to 'Sheed early and often, this could be over in 5

Charlie Manuel is the WORST...PERSON...EVER...and Rod Barajas...I hate you.

2007-05-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

No! Seriously! Charlie Manuel....why you such a re-re???

Please read this blog... http://pabaseball.blogspot.com/ and you will understand how I feel.

Though I didn't even see the game, I think last night's Phils game may be one of the worst games of baseball this year. Or maybe ever. Let's recap:

1) Re-re brings in Brett Myers even though the Phillies have a four run lead.

2) One of the Phils' many no-names (but I'm naming him anyways...Greg Dobbs) makes the kind of mistake Charlie Manuel would if he wasn't too fat and old to play baseball anymore.

3) Rod Barajas makes an elementary mistake at catcher...because he is a giant piece of mexican caca.

4) Ole Chuck and Rodrigo both get tossed...cause their little bitches (or, as the word of my night is dictating, vaginas).

5) The Fightins pull an 8-7 win out of their asses.

I hate this team. If they werent my baseball team, I would constantly ridicule them...which I pretty much already do. Manuel is legitimately retarded. He's from West Virginia, and can't speak English. I would take Lou Pinella any day, and even if Barry Bonds was a conditional part of the deal, I'd still do it in a heart beat. I just don't understand. Phillies, you have a good team of youngsters...but when you put in your shitty prospects like Jason Werth and have a sack of shit at catcher in Roderick, you lose. Or should lose. I have no idea how they won last night. Hopefully the Phanatic paid off the Ump.

Ok, seriously though. Fire Charlie Manuel, and I'd quit school now to manage. It'd be a good opportunity for me. And plus, I wouldn't represent the City of Brotherly Love as the City of Incestual Illeteracy. I loathe you Chaz, truly I do. Plus, your middle name is Fuqua, which is an insult to my heritage, and a funny name.

So please, let's make a deal. You bet me on when the Phils will fire Manuel, and I will take the under...no matter what. Even if you say in an hour, I'll take it.

As I watch the MLB game tracker, I thought the Phils had wisened up and put Chirs Coste in, but no, its now the middle of the fourth and good ole' Roddy is behind the plate. I hate my life.

And hey! the most pressing question in my mind of this whole debacle is who the fuck is gonna close??? I really like our friends at the PA blogspot, who have nicknamed Clay Condrey 'Jars of Clay' Condrey. Please Brett, just beat your wife to get your arm back in shape and get your ass back in the bullpen.

Love,
Your adequately enraged Phillies Fan.

Ballpark Review part 1 of numerous!

2007-05-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

[Editor's Note: Cleaned up because Quinn can't write]

Hello all,

I am in L.A. well actually the OC on business for the week but I am thinking of it as more of a baseball roadtrip, which rocks. Anyways I attended the Angels-Dodgers Crosstown Rival Weekend game on Saturday evening at Anaheim Stadium and I was pretty impressed with the park and the atmosphere.

Anaheim Stadium or the Big A, as its know because of the large red steel structure outside the right field wall. The structure no longer houses a score board nor faces the field due to the renovations on the stadium from when it housed the LA Rams. The Manager claims earthquake stability reasons?!? But it's still a cool defining feature of a stadium that is homey for its size.

I had to work until 4:45 and the game had an odd 6:05 start time which was never explained. Anyways I arrived at the gate around 5:35 with no tickets with a Dutch kid who was 23 and never been to America or a ball game. Now everything I had heard or read about Angels' game said "no tickets, no problem" but of course this was Angels/Dodgers and it was sold out. California has strict no scalping rules, so we wandered backwards from the main gate that has a great entrance (more later) into a parking lot that was surrounded by concrete walls which had loads of smoke rising from it and a constant stream of people coming from the gate. The other side of the wall contained a packed lot of coolers, grills, and rowdy 20 somethings tailgating up a storm. It was sweet! The Dutchman was amazed and impressed. There was a hot dog stand complete with hot dog guy in and Angels jersey that said "hot dog guy" across the shoulders. Tickets were scant but at the back corner after many "no's" and plentiful offers of beers to ease the pain we found a pair of tickets in left field along the third base line. They were front row of the upper deck and not a bad find for 20 bucks a pop.

Back to the stadium. The home plate entrance to the Big A is great, with two giant Angels' caps (New Era size 639 and a half) that bracket the front walkway which features a baseball diamond laid out in bricks which feature light up bases and pitcher's rubber as well as bricks at each positions (including the right handed batter's box for the DH) listing the starting player for each Opening Day from 1964 to 2007. Pretty cool. The inside is nice for a stadium with a capacity of 44,280. The interior of Anaheim Stadium was increased to 68,000 for the LA rams for like 6 years and then re-done in 1998 by the new cookie cutter "throwback" park architects KOH. The park looks good with sight lines to the San Fernando mountains and quite the display (on days when it isn't too smoggy) in center field. The fake rocks combined with waterfalls and a Corona Beach ad would be pretty cool if the rocks were A) real and B) they gave away passes to sit in the giant Corona Beach chairs every game. The large score board in right field is tall with grand stands above it reminiscent of PNC Park but just digital scores and no pitching info. The sight lines from most seats in the front few upper deck rows were good and seemed to be nice from all seats below there.

As for the crowd: they really brought it for this series! The Dodgers' fans showed up in full force and my accompanying Dutchman's first comment upon taking our seats was: "They let the reds and blues sit together? They would never ever allow that in futbal!" The game proved a perfect arena for some good natured yelling. [Editor's Note: COMANAYEEAAAHAAA!] It was a back-and-forth 3-2 game until the Angels blew it open in the bottom of the 7th with four hard earned runs. Hendericks pitched pretty well for the Dodgers and young Jared Weaver turned in an 8-inning gem for the Halos.

The Dodgers' fans made themselves known but Angels' fans fought back. There seemed to be strong contention added to the rivalry since the Angels' name change and neither side seemed to agree with the decision, as neither side wanted any association with the other. Though in true LA style the choosing sides was described to me as solely based on colors.

Me: "So is the Angels-Dodgers' rivalry a North/South or East/West thing?"
Guy Who Sold Me Tickets: "It's an East/West thing."
Guy's Friend: "No, it's a North/South thing."
Guy Who Sold Me Tickets: "Really it's all about color red or blue, just like everything in LA."
Me: "gangs?"
Guy Who Sold Me Tickets: "No just everything..."

So, I have no idea what the hell that meant.

Anyways the Dutchman's review of the game: "I liked the second half better." I have no idea what constitutes the second half of a game but the hollering did increase three-fold as the game went on and sweep possibilities were raised. The stadium was very nice and the crowd really cranked it up a notch. I was pretty impressed by a park which was a NFL field of 68,000 at one point. I would say it could make the top half of the MLB and top of the stadiums in baseball.

A few other points: [Editor's Note: Quinn's Audition for Zagat's]

Beer and food was not too impressive, but not cheap. The featured foods are California Pizza Kitchen and Panda Express. All the beer on tap I could find in the uppers was Bud Select @ 6.50 for 16 oz (boo), Corona bombers (22s) were available for 12 bucks and Bud and Bud Light aluminum bottles at 6.75. An all beef dog was 4 bucks and nachos were 6.

Tickets sound like they are available for all non-Dodgers and pennant race games at the door with reasonable gate prices for all tickets including field level. Around 29 bucks for baseline past the dugout and 12 bucks for uppers and bleachers. The Big A seems to have a great tail gate scene in the aforementioned concrete walled homeplate lot and behind center field where the over sized parking is.

Next: Chavez Ravine and some Dodger Dogs. See ya soon.

Super Conference Finals Extravaganza!

2007-05-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

So the Conference Finals are set. And to anyone thinking conspiracy theory in that Spurs/Suns series, seriously, think again. If the NBA and David Stern were to have their choice of teams in these Conference Finals, these two match-ups are probably the last thing they wanted to see. But here we are, we don't have a Suns/Warriors series. We don't have a Cavs/Bulls series. Though what we do have is four teams left fighting it out for one crown.

Western Conference: San Antonio Spurs vs. Utah Jazz

In theory this could have been a Suns vs. Warriors match-up that would have blown everyone away. It would have gone seven. The over/unders would have been set at 310. It would have been out of control. But that's in theory, and in reality that series never had a chance.

Say what you want about the Suns getting screwed over and how their Game 5 suspensions doomed their chances, but the fact of the matter is they had no chance. They had home court, and then blew Game 1 at home. They had all the calls in Game 5 (thanks to Steve Javie's predilection towards calling games against the home team) and lost. Then, in Game 6, with the return of Amare and Diaw, the Spurs shut them down. It was the Spurs’ series (controversial calls or not) for the entire way.

In the same way, the Jazz owned the Warriors. Golden State was the darling of the playoffs, having shocked the (non-NBA watching) World by dropping the Mavs. The Jazz, on the other hand, looked lucky to be in the Second Round because of the Rockets' choke job. But that wasn't the case. The Jazz made quick work of the Warriors, with an impressive with at Golden State, a win that seemed like an impossible task only two weeks prior.

These two teams match up very well. They are both tough and scrappy. Look for the battles inside (particularly Carlos Boozer and Tim Duncan) to be epic, as well as a great backcourt match-up. The difference maker in this series could very well come down to this Jazz team's inexperience. They've been playing over their heads so far this post season. Meanwhile the Spurs are made for this kind of series.

Prediction: San Antonio in 7.

Eastern Conference: Detroit Pistons vs. Cleveland Cavaliers

And in the J.V. bracket we have a rematch of a playoff series we saw last year. The difference this time around: no one seems to care. And I'm not talking about the fans; I'm talking about the players.

The Cavs slept walked through the first two rounds while the Pistons looked ever so dominant early in their last series, then forgot there were a few more games to play and almost let Chicago right back in the door.

Cleveland has had probably the easiest draw of any team in this year's NBA Playoffs. In Round One they brushed aside a decimated Wizards team. In Round Two they tried only slightly harder than Jason Kidd & The Underachievers to pull off the franchise's first Eastern Conference Finals appearance in 15 years.

Of course, this was not enough for the media who don't think LeBron is doing all that he can. They're prepping the kid to be the black A-Rod, calling out his heart and his play down the stretch. Wins aren't enough for LeBron apparently. Now he's got to get to The Finals while putting up 60-15-10 and sacrificing twelve people at every half time.

The Pistons looked fantastic for their first seven playoff games, not losing a game. Then they just decided to take the a few games off and before you knew it, the series was at 3-2 and the Bulls looked like they had at least an outside shot at pulling off the Never-before-done comeback down 0-3. Of course, Detroit quickly put and end to that, with a fairly decisive win at Chicago.

The Eastern Conference Finals' match-up couldn't be more different than that of its Western Conference counterpart. Where the Spurs and the Jazz just battled it out in their respective Second Round series for two weeks, the Cavs and the Pistons have looked like they're on vacation. They also don't match-up nearly as well head to head. The Pistons have a championship caliber team that is heading to their 5th consecutive Eastern Conference Finals. The Cavs are more-or-less a two man team: LeBron and whoever else decides to have a good night.

Just like the series in the West, this one could go either way, but for completely different reasons. I'm not sure which version of which team is going to show up on a given night. Will it be the business-like Pistons crushing the Cavs? Will LeBron step up and take it to an overconfident Detroit team? We could have a seven-game showdown. Or we can have a Cavs-Nets-like series that Sir Charles can only describe as 'turr-a-bull'. Hopefully it's the former.

Prediction: Detroit in 6.

Enjoy Life

2007-05-17T12:31:00.000-07:00

Sunil Gulati you get a reprieve, thank you for not being an idiot. Bob Bradley deserved the job and only an idiot wouldn't have hired him. I'm removing my threat against your life. Your welcome enjoy your time at the USSF.

Sevilla vs Espanyol: Unemployment Afternoon

2007-05-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

While waiting for my drug test to clear (*hope they don't test for crystal meth*), I have tons and tons of free time. Today I watched the UEFA Cup Final between Sevilla and Espanyol. I expected absolutely nothing out of this game because Sevilla beat Espanyol in La Liga 3 weeks ago but I was plesantly suprised. The game had great drama and tension eventhough the outcome went the way I thought. Instead of recaping the game I'm going to give you, the loyal soccer fan, a update on which players you can tell your friends about and sound smart before they break bigger on the European scene.

1. Dani Alves. If you know anything about world soccer you know that Dani Alves is at the top of every big clubs wish list. Alves is by far the best right back in the entire world. He can play farther up the park on the wing but Alves really shines as a full back. Blinding pace and a great attacking mindset make him an unstoppable force for Sevilla.

2. Javi Navarro. Navarro is the anchor of the Sevilla back-line. He plays very similar to John Terry but with much more pace. Also he is a great passer from the center-back position and is the ignition to the Sevilla attack.

3. Ivan De La Pena. De La Pena is the player that the media claimed Juan Roman Riquelme to be when he played at Villareal. Completely orchestrates the Espanyol attack and could possibly be the long ball passer in the world. Tremendous player but is perhaps too old to become a force on the European scene again.

4. Iraizoz. Best goalkeeper in the UEFA Cup and a complete unknown playing at Espanyol. Mark my words, you will see this man in net for a Champions League winning team in his lifetime. Should be in the Spanish National Team squad for the EURO qualifiers in the summer.

So next time one of your friends brings up a big name on the summer transfer market bring up one of these guys. At least you will sound smarter than saying something about that unknown guy David Villa at Valencia. These guys are going to be the real impact players on the European scene.

Toronto FC: Bringing Real Fans to the MLS

2007-05-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

Toronto is one of the worlds most beautiful cities and a place I once wish to live. Between the Maple Leafs and Raptors you have two of the most passionate fan-bases in their respective sports. Now the fans of my favorite MLS club, Toronto FC, is bringing a little slice of actual support to the MLS. Doing what I usually do during the week, wataching full games on MLSnet.com, I have come to realize that BMO Field is going to be a fortress in the upcoming years.

If you want to see quality MLS atmosphere watch Toronto FC play at home. This is the perfect place to debut David Beckham in league competition. Watch and learn every other MLS fanbase(except Chicago).

Dear Suns, Step Ya Game Up

2007-05-15T17:11:00.000-07:00

Listen, I like the Suns. I like their style of play. I like that Steve Nash plays the point like it should be played. I like watching Amare Stoudemire. More than that I like the fact that a good friend of mine (and Suns fan) has the lone dream of opening up a restaurant in the greater Phoenix area just to serve a dish called "Calamari Stoudemire". I told her she can't unless she serves it with a "Shawn Marion-era Sauce".

With that said, the Suns and their fans need to stop whining. The Spurs play tough D. That's how they've been the best professional team on the planet over the last decade. That's why they win championships. That and the fact that Tim Duncan has been the best player in the NBA over the last 10 years.

Bruce Bowen is a dirty player. Manu Ginobili is a flop artist. But, then again, Raja can play just as dirty as Bowen, and Nash flops all the time (case in point on the 'Bowen knee to his junk' play).

Amare was the first to run his mouth, but now the Suns fans won't shut up. Complaining isn't going to stop the Spurs from being physical. The only way to stop them is to play just as physical. Put it right back in their face. But because the Suns are a Dirk level of soft, the just cried instead of Man-ing up.

Big Shot Bob is going to sit for two for the body check on Nash. Reasonable. Also, Diaw and Stoudemire are going to sit for one because of some rule put into place in the mid-90s to clamp down on the thuggish Knicks and Heat teams of that time (Thanks, Pat Riley!). A case can be made for Amare to sit, it all depends on how you interpret the rule. But Diaw should be playing in Game 5.

Now, this video has started circulating on The Interwebs, and Suns fans are pointing out that The Stone Buddha might have broken this rule too. Some are saying that is Amare and Diaw are sitting, than so should Timmy D. Fact of the matter is that there was no altercation, there was no fight, and Duncan took a step onto the floor. Not a suspendable offense.

So we head into Game 5. The Suns without their best player in Amare and without the always solid Boris Diaw. The Spurs without Big Shot Bob. I'd say the Spurs got out ahead in this one.

On paper this looks like The End for the Suns. What they really need to do to win this series is step up. They need to stop talking and step up their collective game. They need to stop waiting for the refs to bail them out and go at the Spurs harder. And if this doesn't happen, they'll be sitting at home bitching about the calls all summer just like the Mavs did all last summer.

Does Jason Think He Is Alive: Xavier McDaniel Edition

2007-05-14T19:41:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this article by stating that this will be the start of a series of columns based on the idea if I believe a former athlete is dead. Of course, each article will end with me finding out that just because a person hasn't been on TV while I've been watching isn't, in fact, dead.

I am completely sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that former Celtic Xavier McDaniel died in like 2001. When I was a kid the X=Man was the biggest douchebag on a teamful of douchebags, the 1991-1992 New York Knicks. God I hated them and there high top fades and shitty non-nike shoes. I loved watching the C's play them and Larry Legend getting up in the ass. The bridge is over, the bridge over ah ah.

Well turns out Xavier McDaniel didn't die at all. He is enjoying life in Scotsdale, AZ with his wife of 59 years, Betsy. His youngest son Eldrick is the third-best realtor is the Southwest Region of Tampa (STAY AWAY FROM THE WESTSIDE!!!!). X-Man's hobbies now include collecting those pins that old dudes put on hats from the Franco-Prussian War and gardening. Take it from me all dudes love gardening.

Welcome to J-Town.

Deja(zz) Vu

2007-05-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

Yeah. That's awful. I know. But in the last few minutes of last night's Jazz/Warriors show down, I saw something that looked very familiar.

Not Baron's open ice check of Derek Fisher, but J-Rich's "No showboating in our house" hack on Okur. It's really all how you look at it. Mehmet shouldn't have been looking to throw it down up big that late. But then J-Rich probably shouldn't have tried to tear Okur's head off. Either way, I'm sure Jazz fans were pissed. I'm also sure they don't remember this.

That's Utah's (steroid user) Rafael Araujo with an unnecessarily hard foul on Marvin Williams, late in a game, up HUGE. Classy. After he gets ejected - as he should have been - the Utah fans give Hafa a standing-O. Classier. And accompanying this video is some fantastic commentary by a Jazz fan that overlooks Araujo's foul almost entirely and also includes some great racist comments. Top notch.

Sure, several players on the Dubs have been ejected in this post season for losing their cool. But that's by no means a reason to root for the Jazz. There's never a reason to do that.

Settling a Heated Debate in a Brief and Orderly Fashion, Rumsfeld Style

2007-05-14T11:46:00.000-07:00

Is Bruce Bowen a dirty player?

Yes.

I'm glad we could clear that up for everyone involved. Now let's all look at this picture:

Check it out! That asshole can waterski!

The 80 Million Dollar Man

2007-05-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

I thought I would be the one to write the West Ham stays up on a dramatic win at Old Trafford article because Freshman and Brendan might just put up the lyrics to "Forever Blowing Bubbles". This season in the English Premiership has been dominated by the individual performance. Cristiano Ronaldo being the difference between Manchester United and Chelsea, Didier Drogba being the difference between Chelsea as the number 2 team or Chelsea as the number 5 team, and Carlos Tevez keeping West Ham in the Prem. Today's goal by Tevez was everything that English football is about drama, passion, and brilliant skill.

West Ham earned their spot in the Prem next year. 4 straight wins to finish out the season makes the drop avoidale the stuff of legends. I unfortunately, will never get this experience being a Chelsea fan. We are eventually going to have a problem with relegation but we aren't going to have a chance if Roman and his checkbook leave. Freshman and Brendan got a chance to prove their loyalty to West Ham this year. They had to live through a coaching change mid-season, Javier Mascherano, and an ownership change. You guys got the opportunity to bleed Blue and whatever the fuck you guys call that Red Shit on your jerseys.

The money that is going to come in from the inevitable Tevez transfer should be enough to get West Ham through another year or two of top-flight football. I hope Chelsea isn't the team to steal Tevez from his rightful place in world football.

P.S. There is a story that is very soccer-centric that involves Freshman, Me, and the Chicken and Cheese but at this point my sleep schedule and body are too fucked up to tell it.

Nine Minutes Of Heaven

2007-05-09T17:18:00.000-07:00

Do you like tall Asians? And basketball? And Chinese power-ballads or even Bon Jovi? Of course you do, which is why you need to watch this nine minute long video clip of Yi Jianlian. Seriously, it's fantastic.

My favorite parts are around the 2:00 mark the random 'highlight' of Yi being fouled and then falling over. Then around the 4:30 mark, the clip holds on a picture of Yi staring blankly ahead for far too long. The editing on this is just too good.

Yi Jianlian Mix [YouTube]

Alex Ferguson, I Am Not Afraid Of You And Will Beat Your Ass

2007-05-08T19:12:00.000-07:00

Before we jump into the meat of this post, I thought I'd run down why its been so long since I posted. In the last week, I have worked sixteen straight hours at the bar, co-wrote a play in which Grant had to utter the line "Sit down or I will skull-fuck your leukemia out of remission," and gone a full 72 hours without showering or changing underwear.
I came out of my sleepless, drunken, sleepless weekend (and by weekend, I mean the time from last Thursday until about 4:15 today when I finally got in the shower) to find out that Alex Ferguson decided that he'd had enough of those Hammers and wanted to rest his stars for the Chelsea game so he could bring out the full squad for the season finale with West Ham. I am completely okay with this. I just hope Cristiano Ronaldo runs full tilt into a goalpost and permanently loses his sense of balance.
I don't really see what Sir Alex is doing here. He claims it's to avoid some possible embarrassment, but would losing to West Ham be any more or less embarrassing at this point in the season than losing to, say, Fulham? And do you really think Man U would even bother to roll out the A-team for a season-ending game against a sixteenth place team? I think I'm too angry to discuss this coherently.
The main source of my anger comes from the little schoolgirls that run Fulham, Charlton, Sheffield United and Wigan. Let it go. Minus Fulham, you are horrible, horrible football clubs. Spend the money you're spending on high-priced attorneys on decent players, for Christ's sake. Where's the outcry over FIFA waiving the no-more-than-two-clubs-a-year rule for Javier Mascherano? It seems you don't really care about the integrity of the game and its rules as long as it doesn't mess with those TV-money checks that roll in once a year. Your problem is not two Argentinians who brought in illegally by previous management, it's the fact that you are very, very bad at your jobs. You smell and I hate you. At least someone in Watford's management team had the class to go down like reasonable human beings.
Apparently I can't discuss this rationally either. Therefore, I will give you the following video to the greatest metal song ever recorded. Both B. and I are in agreement that it's the real-life "Stonehenge."Here you are.

Memories of Last Summer: World Cup 2006

2007-05-04T20:10:00.000-07:00

I was watching some saved videos on my computer today and came across my favorite video package, the U2 World Cup 2006 ABC video. Last year's World Cup for American viewers was marred by many different atrocities; Dave O'Brien, endless Bono commercials, and shitty SportsCenter highlights. ABC though on the last day of the World Cup brought it together with the greatest piece of sports and music blended together with the post-World Cup U2 "One" video.

To tell a little bit of a story and give some background about this video package and entire World Cup, me and Freshman watched the final while he was skipping out on a delivery from Meal's Delivered. I was firmly behind France due to the fact that I was fed up with the Italian National Team cheating their way to the final. Freshman was of the same mindset that Italy couldn't win for the good of football. Also I was getting the chance to see one of my footballing heroes lace it for the last time, Zidane, this game meant alot to me. What followed is the most crazy final in the history of football with Zidane getting sent off for the "headbutt heard around the world".

Last summer to me was the summer of the World Cup. I watched every single match off of DVR and had the pleasure of watching the USA's opening match with Brendan and Freshman. Decked out in a DeMarcus Beasley USA jersey I skipped out of work early and got home to watch us play the team from my ethnic background the Czech Republic. Within five minutes I was screaming at the TV with my head in the ground after a goal by the Czech Republic. At the end of the game it was decided that I couldn't watch the Italy game with everyone at the bar because of the racial slurs I had slung at Eddie Pope. I have never been more excited than when Christian Zaccardo scored an own goal and let the US back into the game. I ran around the shitty 353 screaming and jumping up and down kissing the badge on my jersey like I was Brian McBride. This video sums up everything that World Cup was about to a t and shows that if an american company cares about the "World's Game" they can make something decent.

Wow I can't believe that was a year ago.......

It's Algonquin For 'The Good Land'

2007-05-03T17:38:00.000-07:00

It's only the first week in May, and there's a hell of a lot of baseball to play, but something interesting has happened: The Milwaukee Brewers have the best record in baseball. A team that went 75-87 last season and finished 4th in the abysmal NL Central division is playing the best baseball in the league.

This seems to be a trend in the Majors over the last few years. A perennial cellar dweller makes a few moves in the off season, or finally gets everyone on the same page, or possibly makes a deal with Beelzebub and completely turns the team around. Early in the 2007 season, this year’s team seems to be the Brewers. The real question is: what have they done to turn team around? What's around this season that has the team at 18-9 when they've had one .500 season since 1993?

It's not the five players they have batting above the .300 mark. It's not the solid pitching staff they've put together or the fact that Francisco Cordero has been absolutely shut down giving up only two hits in 12 appearances this season. It's not even the fact that they have Tony Gwynn AND Cecil Fielder's sons. No, the transformation of the 2007 Brewers goes back to something that happened in 2006.

On July 27, 2006 the Brewers gave the public a sneak peak at their attack plan for the following season. On that fateful day, we were all introduced El Picante, that racing Chorizo. Following his one-day appearance, El Picante was put away in a bunker one and a half miles below the Earth's surface for protection, not unlike the vice president.

Once the 2007 season rolled around, El was unleashed on Major League Baseball when he was made a permanent fixture of the famed Sausage Races. Now the Brewers are in first place in the NL Central, have the best record in baseball, and look to destroy all that lay in their path.

And for this, they have one spicy sausage to thank. Chorizo for President! Chorizo on Mount Rushmore! A Chorizo for every man, woman, and child in America! El Picante, the racing Chorizo for MVP, I say! But alas, the biases of those who vote for the MVP would never put a sausage into office. I wish that someday soon, we can all live together, dogs and cats, man and sausage, monkey and robot, in harmony.

Kaka: Zidane Version 2.0

2007-05-02T18:20:00.000-07:00

After watching AC Milan absolutely destroy Manchester United today I have come to the conclusion that we are in the era of Kaka. The Brazilian playmaker perplexed and confused the depleted United backline. Nemanja Vidic came into the game with a bit of a knock and Kaka decided to make a fool out of him. The first goal of the game was everything that Kaka brings to the table; a laser shot, movement around the backline like a striker, and vision to see runs before they happen.

Coming into the game I was buying the lobbying of the English press that Cristiano Ronaldo was the best player in world. He has streamlined his game and used his incredible ball skills to become the best player in the Premiership. The way that Ronaldo has lifted a United team that doesn't appear on paper to have the talent is nothing short of amazing. Ronaldo has had a hell of a year and deserves consideration for European Footballer of the Year and for FIFA World Player of the Year.

Kaka, on the other hand, is quickly approaching that next stratosphere of reputation. He has been the best player in the Serie A this season giving Milan a bite and imagination in attack. His Champions League form has been other worldly scoring 10 goals from the midfield. Without Kaka, AC Milan couldn't possibly be in the position they are now. In two weeks, Milan gets to avenge the most embarassing loss in club history against Liverpool. As a Chelsea fan I have every ounce of support thrown behind AC Milan. Kaka is going to get his chance to shine in the biggest stage in European club football. Can he pull off a Zidane-style moment in front of the world? Yes he can and I think he will.

Sabres vs Rangers Game 5

2007-05-01T19:24:00.000-07:00

I've been watching ungodly amounts of the NHL playoffs in the Trainspotting set I'm currently living in. The best matchup, thus far, has been the New York Rangers vs the Buffalo Sabres. Everything that an NHL series needs to have has been here; two awesome goaltenders, an aging star showing why he is going to the Hall of Fame, and a team/city desperate for a title. Jagr's play for the Rangers has been in one word: impressive. He is playing like its 1997 and he and Henrik Lundqvist have completely carried the Rangers into this series. On the other side of the series Buffalo, the best team in the NHL, has played their usual brand of impressive hockey. Ryan Miller, the goalie of the Sabres, has been outstanding.

Tonights game was another great one but the Sabres managed to get screwed on a goal not being allowed. With Miller pulled the Sabres whip a puck in at Lundqvist and the puck after the third or fourth replay is shown to clearly go in. Every Sabres fan remembers the Stars series where they had a goal disallowed in the Cup Final. How any sports fan that has waited years for his team to win a championship should be rooting for the Sabres?

I think I have a new role in life and that is to get people to watch the NHL and the MLS. The NHL playoffs have been really the best playoffs I have watched since the early 90's. Gary Bettman despite acting like a bumbling idiot has brought the sport back from the death.

P.S. I don't want to talk about the Chelsea-Liverpool game today. All I'm saying is that I'm very close to boarding a plane to London to save my team from a Portugese egomaniac. Mourinho your days are numbered.

No Agent Zero = Zero Chance/ Baron Davis' Beard Will Give the Warriors a Win

2007-05-01T11:03:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written in quite some time, but I decided to try a serious focus. By the way, I should be drafting my resume right now, but the summer in Oakland is so nice that it makes me want to do anything BUT work. Damn, I need to get on that... Motivation...motivation...

But anyways, B, as usual, has motivated me into caring about the NBA playoffs this year. And holy crap are they proving to be not just watchable, but something I actually want to watch. Which brings me, finally, to the subject of my post: Dead horses.

Though you may have believed that, its not true, I will not be talking about dead horses, but I did just read a very funny Klosterman article in which he incorporates a dead horse joke into his article...Read his new book. Its excellent.

OK! Seriously now. Gilbert Arenas and Baron Davis. In my mind, two of the most fun to watch players in the league, and they have been for a while. I mean, who doesn't enjoy a quality shot? Or, in a past life, a good hibachi? And who can't respect a man whose trademark is a beard that would give Grizzly Adams a run for his money? But, currently, one man is wishing he could play golf (but can't because he most likely still can't walk...), and one man is looking to lead his team to the biggest victory since the playoffs went to a seven game series. This is not fair...but I can deal with it. Mainly because I love underdogs.

Being a Philadelphia sports fan, I am constantly shit on. Whether its the Phillies missing the playoffs by one game last season, or the Eagles having the most illogical draft this year, I find myself consistently in the position of rooting for the underdog. This is why I am praying that by about 12:30 PM Eastern time tonight, the Warriors will have beaten the Almighty Mavericks.

It sucks to be the Wizards, and though I like LeBron, the Wizards were arguably a better team this year. I hate it when a team goes down to injury, and the Wizards this year were a prime example of that. Without Arenas or Caron Butler, the Wizards relied on ahh...umm...uhh...Antwan Jamison to carry them? Tell me you don't hate your life? Tell me?

Because the Wizards are now gone, and being that Cleveland will forever be known as the Mistake on the Lake, I now look to mighty Baron to keep hope alive. AI and the Nuggets will soon be gone, and if the Warriors lose I will rapidly lose interest in the playoffs. And by that I mean unless I'm at Gene's Place and the game is on, I will not watch them. I know I will be rooting for Tyrus Thomas and Ben Gordon to beat the piss out of the Detroit Technical Fouls...we will have to see.

Please enjoy the game tonight, I know I will.

P.S. I'm going to my first Pirates game of the season tonight, and Tony Armas is starting. I really hope that Ted Lilly and the $10 Million a year Chicago Illogical-Decisions don't embarrass us. (Don't you like my team Nicknaming System?) But nonetheless I get a free coin for going to the game. Hazah.

Did You Know The Closer Returns To TNT In June?

2007-04-30T01:06:00.000-07:00

Some NBA Notes after a weekend of doing nothing but working and watching The Association:

1. So Miami is done. Sounds about right. I figured the Bulls could do it, but not so definitively, you know, considering that this is a team with 36 total All-Star appearances. Looks like their championship "window" might have slammed shut. They've got a bunch of free agents and who knows if Gordon Gekko is coming back. Meanwhile the (former) Baby Bulls look fantastic. They could very well come out of the East. The upcoming series against Detroit should be entertaining. The Pistons have a good team, but I still don't trust Flip at the helm. It should also be interesting to see what Ben Wallace does against his old team.

2. Even though they're up 3-0, I'm still not sold on the Cavs. They just don't seem to have it in them this year like they did last year. Of course, they might not have their collective hearts in it going up against The Wizards, but that's no excuse. They're really going to have to step it up next round against the Nets or Raps.

3. And speaking of the Raptors, they're showing their inexperience as well as their spotty defense against the Nets. Kidd is having a stellar series, and VC actually showed up to play in Game 4. The Dinos are going to have to grow up quick to get past the Nets (or at least are going to have to figure out if you push Carter around he gets off his game). The Nets, on the other hand, look like they've got one round in them at most. A possible Round 2 of Nets/Cavs could end up being a battle of Who Cares Less.

4. Phoenix has L.A. on the ropes. They're just a bad team. But, then again, the series was 3-1 last year. I'm not saying the Lake Show has a shot to come back, but they could win another one. Maybe. Or maybe not. How many more games does Brown have in him? Probably just that one. Forget I mentioned this. Moving on.

5. The Spurs/Nugs series has been a good one, but it looks like San Antonio (cliché alert!) has their swagger back. If they Spurs keep playing at their highest level they should have no trouble finishing off the Nuggets. But don't look for AI, 'Melo and Company to go down quietly.

6. So the Warriors are looking like VMI right now. Their offense is RIDICULOUS! What has gotten into Baron Davis? He looks like he's so hungry that he could eat soup with his hands! Hasn't he been hopping around on one leg for the better part of 3 seasons? This series with the Mavs is an absolute shoot-out, by FAR the best series in the playoffs. Easily one of the most fun playoff series I've watched in years. And that picture up top (thanks to The Basketball Jones) is pretty much the greatest thing ever. It's almost as if Baron decided to become what we all thought Gilbert would be in the post season. For this, I thank you Mr. Davis.

Now, I know this is looking down the road a bit, but say The Warriors can do the unthinkable and pull this off, then what? Can they win another series? Is this a fluke that they have the Mavs number and no one else's? Can Baron Davis' keep this up? Can anyone remember a time in which the better team LOST a seven game series? I've got all these questions and no answers. Kyra Sedgwick needs to get on the case.

UPDATE: Wow. I mean I knew there was a chance this could happen (I even called it in my playoff preview, you know, not to brag or anything), but still, the way the Mavs have firmly placed their hands around their neck is stunning. Dirk is back to his "never get it done in the playoffs" ways. I thought he had gotten over that, but last year's FInals have clearly messed with his head. I talked about it durring the regular season, but who thought it would effect the team this bad? He's just not taking the big shots. He's lost that fire that ALWAYS looks scarry in the eyes of a German. Sure, back to back 3's in the finals 30 seconds, but it was too little too late. Jerry Stack can't do this by himself, even though he's trying.

The Mavs have only themselves to blame for this. Oh, and also Charles Barkley for giving Golden State reason to show him up.

Billy Don't Lose My Number: Some NHL Playoff Thoughts

2007-04-27T20:41:00.000-07:00

Thought I would give some thoughts I've had from watching the NHL playoffs over the last few days in complete solitude:

1. Thumbs up to the NHL as a whole. The quality of the product in the NHL is so high right now its like Lil' Wayne rapping on a posse track. NHL throwaway lines are better than what the NFL is giving us on the lead single of their album.

2. Roberto Luongo is the best goalie I have ever seen. He has the speed and penchant for the big save of Dominic Hasek with the puck control of Patrick Roy. If somehow Vancouver can get him some goals and defense they could still make a run at the cup.

3. Book it right now the Stanley Cup Final will be San Jose vs Buffalo. The tortured Sabres fans may finally get their Cup. I hope they lose though because I still hate Pat LaFontaine, no reason other than he finished second to Mario Lemieux the year he got cancer.

4. Vs is like watching a public access channel broadcasting a major sport.

I made that one quick because I realize that like 3 people care about the NHL Playoffs. Please, give it a chance after the 70 hour marathon of boring that is the NFL Draft. Oh my god, the Steelers took a DE are they going to 4-3, AHHHHH THE EXCITEMENT. Hey Roger Goodall, go suspend someone again without making a rule and then play the Super Bowl in London. When the NFL falls I'm going to be the happiest man in the world. Go sugarcoat and overproduce your product some more you mother fuckers. Fuck I hate the NFL and all the coverage. Did you hear about that guy Tono Romo I HEAR HE IS DATING CARRIE UNDERWOOD?

So I Gave Up Tap For Jazz And I've Never Regretted It

2007-04-25T16:56:00.000-07:00

A few notes on The Association while I try to avoid watching the Yankees crumble like biscotti.

1. The first round of the playoffs has yet to show us anything surprising. The Heat are old. The Warriors have an insane offense. Kobe needs help. Steve Nash has all the help in the world. AI is very good. Baron Davis' beard is awesome. The Mavs and The Spurs look rusty, seeing as they didn't even try over the last two weeks of the season.

2. Larry Brown may have lost his mind. It's being reported that he's looking to head to Memphis to coach the Grizz, which to me seems like an unattractive position at best. They could very well end up with the first pick of the draft, but then again Brown doesn't play rookies. Ever. Other than that, Memphis' franchise guy, Pau Gasol, was looking to get traded all last season. I have no idea what Brown sees in this, unless the Grizzlies are willing to give him total control as head coach, GM, and War Czar.

3. David Stern has defiantly lost his mind. He's going around claiming that the NBA will have five teams playing in Europe in the next two decades. How he thinks having a handful of teams across an ocean is going to help the league is beyond me. It's been obvious the NBA has been going global for sometime now and over the last 15 years it's popularity over seas has skyrocketed. But adding teams to a league that probably needs to contract and putting these teams on another continent really shouldn't be the direction for The Association. Plus who's going to be watching these games when they come on at some random hour in the U.S. Ratings will plummet. Stern's just full of the crazy ideas lately: the dress code, Orange Roundie, now this. He really needs to make one decision and one decision alone: bring back the '84 mustache!

4. Congratulations to Sebastian Telfair on capping off a great run since he decided to drop out of high school. In February of 2006, Bassy was caught on a plane with his "girlfriend's" gun, and then in October he may or may not have shot Fabolous. Now he gets pulled over to speeding, is found with a handgun, has a suspended Florida license (wait...what? Florida?) and then gets cut by the C's. Bravo. Standing ovation. The Bengals have reportedly offered him a 5-year deal. Though now word yet on how much the contract is worth.

5. And just for fun, here's a clip of Crispin Glover cracked out of his mind on Letterman. Hey you! Get your damn hands off her!

Tessie, You're One of Several Games in Town!

2007-04-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

As I sat down to write another entry in my MLS Season Preview, I realized I needed a break. My heart just wasn't in it. Since we have so much time until the season starts, I thought I'd take a minute to "recharge my batteries" before the preview became my Finnegan's Wake and I moved to France. And no one wants that to happen.

Without further ado, the first 40 Mins. post on baseball as well as a picture of a totally classy lady who may or may not be from New England.

I am what you might refer to as a diehard Red Sox fan. But since my family moved out of the greater Boston area when I was ten, I've never really had the ability to follow the team on a local level (except for a few summer months here and there). Before the onset of the interweb and its blogs and online columnists, this meant I had to follow the team through the Dallas Morning News and occasional national broadcasts, which, might I add, are much more prevalent now than eight or nine years ago. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I managed to follow the Sox very closely for many years without being subjected to parasitic sycophants like Dan Shaughnessy and the various rabble-rousing talking heads on Boston sports talk radio.

Eventually, the onslaught of available information an opinions brought on with the the internet (or at least, my introduction to high-speed internet in college) demanded that I protect myself from these godless heathens. Basically, I cut myself off from following baseball until the All-Star game. It was an act of self-preservation, much like when victims of horrible crimes block out painful memories. In fact, to this day, I fail to see how people can keep this level of intensity for 162-plus games without losing their minds. Keep this in mind the next time some Masshole decides to make it rain, Papa Gino's style. It's not his fault. It's Manny's.

This year, my defenses were broken down. Like Laura Palmer, I finally figured it out that it was Danny Huston crawling through that window and puttin' the wood to me, except my incestuous father was a chubby Japanese man. Daisuke got me excited for spring training and it's been all downhill since then. I got really amped for the Yankees series and nearly popped a blood vessel watching Manny pull a Barthez in right last night. Note: in the 2002 World Cup French keeper Fabian Barthez nearly threw the ball into his own net while attempting to throw in downfield. This really had to be seen to be believed, and I can't seem to find a video of it anywhere. Instead you'll have to live with this chestnut. Only time will tell what troubles my ill-advised relapse will bring. Already, my bar tabs are rapidly escalating. Will I rediscover my long-lost Boston accent? Will I start using the word "wicked" all the time? Will I suddenly start associating with a disproportionate number of people named Sully and Murph? Will I start to link to pictures like this and this? How will I handle another great Hanley Ramirez season when Josh Beckett suffers an inevitable injury? WHAT WILL I DO WHEN WE LOSE TO THE GODDAMN DEVIL RAYS FOR THE FIRST TIME!?

I've decided to stop writing before things get downright loony over here. There's still an outside chance that someone in the Celtics organization can help me avoid a full-fledged nervous breakdown. At least that's what I tell myself as I cry myself to sleep every night. Freshman out.

Killing Time Before A Final

2007-04-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

So, in roughly 20 minutes I have a final in Economic Game Theory and then I get to move out of the 353 in the pouring rain. Last night I'm pretty sure I had my first ever bout of night terrors but hope is on the horizon. When I get home today Chelsea FC will be taking on the most evil soccer team in the entire world, Liverpool FC, in the Semi-Finals of the Champions League.

Couple random thoughts on the big all-English Semi-Final:

1. After being basically mocked for much of the year Andriy Shevchenko has really surged back to form for Chelsea in the friendly confines of European football. Sheva hasn't adapted to his role in the English game as well as I thought he would. Today he gets a chance to get some revenge against the team that knocked him out of the 2005 Final.
2. Javier Mascherano is a wonderful player. Perhaps, one of the top-five defensive midfielders in the world. He is also a team cancer that ruined the first half of West Ham's season and somehow got FIFA to break a transfer rule for him. Every game he plays I wish for an ACL and MCL tear for him. Karma is a bitch Javier and one day your payback will come. Just like Carlos Boozer's.
3. If Chelsea were to win this Semi-Final and the scorline from yesterday holds in the second leg; Chelsea and Manchester United could meet next month to decide three trophies. Meaning in a perfect world Chelsea could do the unthinkable and pull off the much celebrated quadruple.
4. Who gives a shit about the Prisoner's Dilemma?
5. Lastly, to all Liverpool fans, I find you to be detestable human beings that have used tragic events that were your fault to build a legacy of pity. You know who will "Never Walk Alone" all those Nottingham Forrest fans and Juventus fans because they are dead. The Kop killed them. I know this isn't funny but Liverpool fans really are pieces of shit. Steaming pieces of shit.

Well time for me to get this last final over.

P.S. Look for much more activity out of me on the site now that finals are done. I'm going back to my parents house to live a room thats going to look like a scene from Trainspotting, although I won't be on heroin. Maybe I'll give some thoughts on the NHL playoffs over the next couple days.

Cooler than Freddy Jackson sippin a milkshake.

I Care Too Much About Chelsea FC

2007-04-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

So just giving everybody the update I am still, in fact, alive. Although I did puke on my sheets and blanket. When is that acceptable behavior for a 22-year old man? But enough about me.

Yesterday, I got the best news in the world when I woke up Manchester United drew that meant if Chelsea could win today their destiny would be in their own hands. So, what did Chelsea do today, thats right, draw against an awful Newcastle team. This is killing me. EPL wise Chelsea has went through two different phases; one where Drogba carried the team to every win(first 3 months of the season) and one where they started playing like they should(now). So I spent my entire morning fuming about what a team thats across an ocean from me did. I'm still really upset about this nobody should like a team from a different country as much as I like them. Also save me the bullshit about Chelsea buying the Premiership title. I don't really care what you think.

Let's All Go For A Ride On The Free Spin Express: Another Fucking MLS Preview

2007-04-19T14:53:00.000-07:00

I decided the best way to do my personal MLS team, the Revs, is to utilize my favorite Timecube quote of all time. Furthermore, it should be noted that FC Dallas (then Dallas Burn) played out of my high school's football stadium for two seasons. If you're looking for team loyalty in the face of all logic and reason, you'll find it in the man who refused to start following the Burn even though they were playing less than five blocks from my backyard. In conclusion, Southlake Carroll High School football rules!

Best Passage Ever:

"Subject: TIME CUBE IS PROVEN BY TEACHER
Date: Wed, 30 Oct 2002 17:54:04 EST
From: Mazurian1@aol.com
To: oray612959@earthlink.net

Dear Mr. Ray-

For a year now I have studied your Time Cube truths but have not been able to convince others of its reality (dumbasses). My mother is a teacher, and she said it was "nutty" and "stupid." But guess what- I cornered her, literally, in the living room one evening, and forced her to admit it.

IN ORDER TO GET HER TEACHING CERTIFICATE, SHE HAD TO SIGN AN AFFIDAVIT STATING THAT SHE WOULD UPHOLD THE GREENWICH MYTH UNTIL DEATH. I shit you not. It has been revealed.

American teachers are sworn to fight against the truth of Time Cube."

Best Interpretation Ever:

Mazurian1 shits you not, and therefore I also shit you not when I say that Taylor Twellman has great fucking hair. He will also look to score a very large number of goals in a completly unimpressive fashion. Thankfully, the season may have been saved by Steve Nicol cornering Shalrie Joseph and FORCING HIM TO SIGN AN AFFADAVIT STATING THAT HE WOULD STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT NOT BEING ALLOWED TO MOVE TO CELTIC FOR A VERY REASONABLE TRANSFER FEE. Seriously, Shalrie, don't be such a selfish prick. It would also be nutty and stupid to even try to stop Matt Reis from taking penalty kicks. He's bald. He needs this, goddamnit. And, to finish this out, a fun, true story about Steve Nicol.

A friend of mine played on a Massachusetts state-select team which was occasionally coached by Steve Nicol. I went to one of his practices in high school and got to see Nicol's training regimen in action. He paired the kids off and then told them to try to slap eachother's feet without allowing their opponent to slap their feet. To this day, that was the weirdest thing I've ever seen a group of twenty or more people do. It should also be noted that they spent almost a third of a ninety-minute practice doing this. The moral of the story here is that Steve Nicol is obviously a problem drinker with a sick sense of humor.

Season Rating:

20 Four-Day Simultaneous Timecubes ... it has been REVEALED

Bruce Arena Is An Idiot

2007-04-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

Take a look at this face, you will know this man by World Cup 2010. His name is Marvel Wynne and the best team in the MLS, Toronto FC have traded for him. Apparently at Red Bull New York, Bruce Arena had problems with Wynne's personality. I believe Wynne had a weird personality quirk of wanting to play. Right now he is the best right-back not named Steve Cherundolo, in the US system.

I was first introduced to Wynne at the 2005 World Youth Cup. First game of the tournament he marked Lionel Messi out of the game; the US went onto to beat the Argentina who later won the tournament. He has the speed to be a top-level international defender. Wynne's only problem is that he is a little raw.

The bigger story is that a Bruce Arena traded the No. 1 pick in the MLS Superdraft a year ago for a 2nd round pick next year. How do you get away with doing that? Wynne isn't a bust, he has only played 23 games in the MLS. Every observer of the MLS agreed that Wynne looked good, just raw, in his debut season.

If it is possible to swindle MLS teams this easy imagine the trade possibilities for Toronto FC;

1. To New England. Shalrie Joseph for a bag full of Tim Horton's
2. To Houston. Dwayne De Rosario for former Toronto Blue Jay and World Series hero Joe Carter.
3. To LA. Landon Donovan for Tie Domi and a 2nd round pick.
4. To Pittsburgh. The CN tower straight up for the Cathedral of Learning.

How is there nobody that checks dumb MLS moves like this? Do these guys get a free pass because nobody, except us, cares?